Saturday, March 7, 2009

That Sappiness Factor........

My mind has been kind of one track lately, although I try to hide it. I guess maybe not hide it, but try to get distracted by things like school and work from it. That one track is Lorrie, all things Lorrie!!! Like I wish my day at work was over as soon as it starts because then we can talk on the phone. I can't wait to hear her voice everyday. Even if we have just a few minutes, my day is just not the same without that call. Or while I am studying, checking my email every 5 minutes to see if she has written anything, or writing an email every 10 minutes until I realize I am on the verge of being (or appearing to be) a stalker or something...........

I used to worry I was obsessed with her, and then when I realized I was, I learned to embrace the obsession and enjoy it instead of worrying about it. LOL. Since embracing it, I have learned to multi-task very well. I can take care of my teenage son, keep the apartment fairly clean, work, go to school, even get a small promotion and be an honor student, all while I am really only thinking about Lorrie. I wouldn't call it obsession anymore, I have learned this is part of what love is.

Lorrie is after all my first, last and only love. At 48, I feel like a teenager most of the time since falling in love with her. Even when we are apart. I get giggly and smiley at the merest thought of her no matter where I am. I want only the best for her, I only want her to be happy, I ache for her constantly, my body and my heart aches for her. Especially my heart. And I have become sappy about her and about life in general. I am really sappy when we are together.

I identify with characters in love stories and movies now. I cry at heartbreak and cheer when they get back together. I listen to music now. Lots of music. Mostly love songs. Not sad love songs, but romantic, sappy, mushy love songs. I have about 4000 love songs now. That is a lot of sappiness!!! I sing along with them because I am singing them to Lorrie. She may not hear me, but I am. It is probably best that she not hear me, but I sing them anyway. Niagara, by Sara Evans is my favorite. Lorrie emailed it to me after we had been together for about 3 months.

My favorite sappy things to think about are the little things that I envision us doing together when we finally are living together. Waking up with her every morning. Cooking her breakfast, fixing her tea and my coffee. Fixing dinner for us at night, or going out to eat because we are both tired from a long day at work. Kissing her before we go to work, kissing her when we get home. Being able to reach out and touch her hair when we are watching TV together. Going to catch a movie or a show some evening on the spur of the moment. Working out together. And going to bed with her every night. I get really sappy-weepy thinking about these things.

I want to thank Lorrie for telling me she loves me, sending me Niagara, and letting me love her and be sappy with her. I like being sappy now. I feel alive in it. I have learned that as a tree is dead without sap, so are humans.
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