Friday, November 27, 2009

OK, I think I just have to dive in and just write what I have thought about in the past few months!!!

Hello again my friends!!! You know I have been having a hell of a time with writers block, and frankly I am tired of talking and thinking about it right now, so I guess I just need to just write my thoughts and we can all sort out any confusion in the comments section!  I have missed you all terribly and have a few times tried to put something up, but every time my mind drew a blank and I would just turn off the computer and say I'll do it tomorrow.  I think enough tomorrows have gone by don't you?

I think I want to start by saying I read a biography a couple of months ago called Barney Frank: The Story of America’s Only Left-Handed, Gay, Jewish Congressman by Stuart Weisberg. Weisberg writes that Frank “found Abraham Lincoln’s aphorism to be as relevant to an individual as to a country. ‘I could not live half slave and half free, privately free to be a gay man but publicly a slave to the prejudice that would not allow me to acknowledge it,’"

Now probably the most mind blowing thing that I read in this book was the following statement, because until we came out of the closet, (even if we aren't a public figure) we knew this is true, even if we didn't have the words to express it and it is why it is so very damn important that every closet be at long last emptied: Being in the closet is a culturally induced mental disease. For a public figure, the effort required to live a clandestine emotional/sexual life involves an all-consuming strangulation of one’s fundamental identity. It is psychologically, emotionally and mentally exhausting, all the more so if one is in a prominent political office, in which image is all-determinant. It leads to cracked judgments—particularly those involving people—since one’s ability to see others clearly is spavined by emotional chaos in order to successfully live the lie.

There is no way to be a complete, whole or especially not an authentic human being until we stop living the lie.  No ifs, no buts about it.

With that in mind, I read this month's Advocate magazine, and the letter from the editor was about how he is a man, who just happens to be gay. It struck a chord with me, because really when I have to think of my identity for what ever reason, lesbian is not the first thing that comes to my mind. Honestly, Mom is. Then Lorrie's lover and then the rest of all the things that make up the sum of my parts.  That wasn't true when I first came out, LESBIAN was who I WAS.  And it felt like it was ALL I was.  I think that coming to the realization that I am who I always have been but I just happen to be a lesbian was something that came with my finally knowing I am whole and complete as a woman.

At the same time me being a lesbian does influence the whole of me in a large way. It just isn't all I am. It isn't all any of us are. I am finally comfortable with who I am, finally comfortable in the knowledge that I am also a lesbian. Comfortable in my own skin, warts, bumps and all.  Well, OK, some of those warts gotta go though.  And the bumps need to get smaller, or at least firmer!!

Let's see, probably the most pressing news you all want is to know is that I will be moving to the Philadelphia area next summer, come hell or high water.  Lorrie and I have absolutely had it with the long distance crap!!!
I will graduate next Spring!  I CAN'T WAIT!!!!  It has been over three years now, three years of longing and patience and frustration and emails and phone calls and of course the best of all times every three months when we can get together but enough is enough already! :D

So, I already told you I quit my job, OK, you know that.  I don't have a part time job as planned but my former husband is living with us again because of the accident he was in a couple of months ago, so he is helping with the expenses and I help take care of him. It hasn't been all that bad at all, he and the boys are spending a lot of time talking together and watching movies and he and I get along, we have of course, since he realized that I had to be who I am and that it wasn't his fault, lol.  His sobering up last winter has been the biggest part of letting things get right in the end. 

And now for your Christmas and everyday shopping pleasure: my last post was about Jay's "Everyone's a freak to someone"....well, I haven't been totally MIA, because I helped him set up a Cafe Press store to sell some items with his catch phrase on them :) Here is the link to it, and let us know if there is something you think we should add to the line up, I mean if you are going to buy it and all!  He he he he.  Come on over and get your freak on!!!

OK, that wasn't so hard after all :) and I was going to talk about Facebook, LOL but I think that is going to have to be another post, all to itself!

Take care everyone, I do hope you had a great Thanksgiving if you live in the U.S. and a great weekend for everyone in the whole world!
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