The Trip To Reno

We really had a great time last week. On Thursday we finally got out and went to a Reno Aces ballgame which they won! This is their inaugural year and our first AAA ball team in a beautiful new stadium. We had front row, third base seats right behind Brett Butler who is the manager. The Aces started out blowing away the Portland Beavers (OMG we could not have attended a more appropriate game) but then the Beavers made a game of it for a while, it was very exciting to see. Oh and I found this video on YouTube that gives you an idea how fun it is there. Though we missed the ball head singing Take Me Out To The Ball Game because we were following the Aces Girls in front of us..........

On Saturday we attended the monthly Reno Beer Crawl but we stopped crawling once we hit The Men's Club, one of our truly finer strip clubs, Lorrie had never been to one and we both had a blast even though Lorrie wouldn't let me buy her a lap dance. She did manage some boob in the face action however so not all was lost!!! Later that night we went to the Journey/Heart Concert, it was fantastic, especially Heart! OMG Annie and Nancy sure do still have it all! The new lead singer for Journey was wonderful and energetic and sounds an awful lot like Steve Perry.

On Sunday we drove to California and toured Napa Valley where I got rather tipsy from the tastings, we stayed the night in Kelseyville, LMAO. (it was founded by some ancestor of mine) Not an exciting town and we pissed off the pizza place dude because we didn't know they closed at 9 and we got there 10 minutes before. He even had the gall to ask us when we were leaving if we knew he closed at 9, LOL. (they had no hours of operation posted by the way, we looked) If we had we would have stayed longer because he spent the whole time our pizza was cooking banging things around and harumphing like a 4 year old. After that we picked up James because he spent the week with his dad in Loch Lomond near Clear Lake.

It may have seemed this took a while to get posted. Since coming home, Lorrie and I have been working on communicating better with each other. We learned it really does take more than phone calls, emails and visits to keep a relationship whole. And not just a long distance one. It takes real communication and trust, of feelings and thoughts and goals and dreams and especially our fears. Honestly and openly with out letting the fear get in the way. We discovered neither one of us has been doing much of that with each other over the past six months. After spending most of our lives hiding those things from the rest of the world, we discovered we don't always exactly know how to be open with each other when it comes to this stuff.

I think we are beginning to learn. I know we both want to.

Together again!

I know we have been bad about blogging this past week or more, but as you can see, when it gets close to the time when we are to be together, we get one track minds, LOL. Anyway, look at it as our summer vacation and we will be back to blogging sometime next week.
Take care everyone! Enjoy your own vacation!!!

More Than 2000 Phone Calls.........

UPDATE: I want to apologize to our readers, I posted this without an explanation for our newer followers, I am very sorry, here is the story so far: Lorrie and I met and have maintained a long distance relationship for nearly three years now, this is our story. You may catch up with 3000 emails - 2000 phone calls by clicking on Part I, Part II and Part III

OK, Rebecca has "ordered" me to add to this blog, lol...I love it when she orders me around!!! (LOL like I could ever make you do anything...)

Believe it or not, I did go to my training class on Tuesday with very little sleep. Luck was it that we all had our own computers hooked up to the internet, so every chance I got I logged on to see if Rebecca had sent me any emails. And she had! I called her as soon as I got back to my room at the hotel and we made plans to get together Tuesday night too. It was another wonderful night in many many ways. Wow..this woman...I couldn't get enough of her..I couldn't wait to see her again!

On the morning of the third day, Lorrie mentioned that her co-worker might want to go to Tahoe that evening, and would I like to come along? Yes, I would, I said, Tahoe is beautiful and it might be fun. When Lorrie called me after her training, she let me know to come over to the hotel and we would take the rental car to Tahoe. When I got there, it seems that the gambling bug had really hit that guy, so we would be all alone again that evening. Oh Damn, LOL!

So, in my best trying not to seem like some sex crazed fiend by blurting out "Yipeee!" I asked her if she still wanted to go to Tahoe? Lorrie said, I don't know, do you? I said, well, everyone should see Tahoe and she was so close........so we started to drive up there, no hurry because Tahoe is only 45 minutes away......

We held hands all the way up there and chatted, talking to Lorrie is so easy and we could even then talk about anything. Eventually we made it to South Shore where all the shops and Casinos are. We parked the car near the shops first, because Lorrie wanted to get her kids some souvenirs.

We looked around, found a shop that looked interesting, lots of local art and stuff, went in and were out in about 10 minutes. Lorrie looked at me and said what do you want to do now? I said I don't know, what do you want to do? Do you want to find a restaurant?........Lorrie said, I want to go back to Reno, is that OK? I was hoping she would say that!

We got in the car and down the mountain we went. That was the longest ride ever! LMAO. I couldn't believe how long it was taking us to get back and Lorrie was speeding the whole way!I was sure grinning from ear to ear. And every time I looke at Lorrie, she was too!

I actually do remember seeing Lake Tahoe that night...briefly while driving by at 70 mph!! I remember asking Rebecca on the way back, "Your place or mine?", LOL. She said "Whichever is closer." I replied.."Baby, you are the one that lives here, you're gonna have to tell me!" About 5 minutes later we were in my hotel room!!!

I was scheduled for the class from Monday to Thursday, to fly out Friday morning. We got together every day after class and were with each other till the wee hours of the morning...except for the one night we both thought for some reason I should get a good nights sleep for my class...that night Rebecca left around midnight...(well, I knew she was going on only about two hours of sleep a night) we have regretted that many times..but now we can just laugh about it!

Then it was the wee hours of the morning on Friday morning...we were at Rebecca's place and I knew it was time for me to head back to the hotel to get ready for my flight. I did not want to go. I knew I had to go. I knew I had to see this woman again. But how? I am married. I have a life in Pa. I need to be with this woman. OMG, I don't want to go. I have to go.

Friday morning I didn't know what to say or do, I didn't want Lorrie to go, I couldn't let her go, I knew I was in love with her, I didn't think she was with me. I couldn't ask her to stay, she had her kids, her husband, her job and all her friends, but I wanted her to stay or I wanted to come back to Pennsylvania.

I drove her back to her room so she could pack, I was telling how much I liked her and what a wonderful time I had and Lorrie was saying the same things back to me, after pulling over for one last kiss, I pulled up to the casino entrance and she got out of the car, she leaned back in for a quick kiss, turned around and walked in. I watched her until I couldn't see her any more and slowly drove away. My heart felt like it was breaking, tears were flowing down my face and I was kicking myself for having been such a fool. How could I let myself fall for someone who lived so far away, was married and who said it was to be a one time thing?

For All Of You, Yes You Are........

This one is for the girls whether lesbian, bi, transgender or questioning, don't ever let anyone tell you different.....

It Takes More Than 3000 emails............(continued again)

This post has taken a different tack from what we originally imagined, LOL. About what it has taken to maintain a relationship for nearly 3 years while living 2,653 miles apart.
So this is really part three of the beginning of it all. This is the post you are all panting for we know........We are enjoying reliving it as much as you are all reading it. (LOL, we thought (briefly) about putting lots of details but then decided we didn't want our blog to come up on the porno search engines, lol.)

That first kiss. I know it still comes to my mind often. It was every movie kiss I ever saw and it felt exactly how I imagined a first kiss would be and should be. We just stood there kissing, holding on to each other until the world stopped spinning.

I never knew a kiss could be so powerful. It is so true, the rest of the world disappeared and it was just Rebecca and I, together at last!

I remember undressing her slowly, admiring her naked form, leading her to the bed, laying next to her, letting my eyes linger over every inch of her, just soaking in her beauty. I never wanted anyone as much as I wanted Lorrie in those first few moments, and that is oh so much more true even today.

It was all so easy, so natural, so the way making love was meant to be. There was no awkardness, no clumsiness, no "this is kind of gross" feelings...LOL. OMG, making love with this woman was and is the most natural and amazing thing in the world!

The want, the desire, the passion that had all built up over the past weeks of emails and phone calls and day dreams was allowed to FINALLY flow freely from both of us!!! It was and still is absolutely amazing the way Rebecca can make me feel from the tips of my toes to the inside of my soul!!

Nothing ever felt so right to me as being there with her, making love to her, and it was really love by then, so much, much more than just sex. I was one with her, I knew every movement and every reaction before she even had it. I felt as if I had touched her soul and I knew she had touched mine. I could not get enough of her. I still can't.

It was so much more than sex! Just sex wouldn't have left me laying next to her wondering where she had been my whole life. There was and still is such a connection that is difficult to put words to, it is amazing! I had never felt anything like that and I couldn't wait to make her feel that way again and again and again and again...oh, you get the idea!!

My whole world was wrapped up in her until finally, she had to go back to her hotel to get ready for her training. It was nearly 5:30 am and it seemed like only minutes had passed.

It really did feel like a matter of minutes, but it was about 9 hours!!! ...and yes, damn...I had to go to a training class in the morning (or in a couple of hours, lol). How was I going to do that when all I wanted to do was stay there with Rebecca and learn more about this wonderful and amazing woman that made me feel things physically and emotionally that I had never felt before!!

I drove her to her hotel in nearly total silence. I suspected she wanted to see me again, (duh) and I sure knew I wanted to see more of her. Lorrie told me what time the training was finished, and I asked her if she wanted to do something later on that evening. She told me she had to make sure the other person from work didn't already have plans for them, (one of the men she worked with was also taking the training, but Lorrie told him an old friend lived in Reno) and that she would call me when it was finished, and yes she wanted to see me again, I could join her and her co-worker if I wanted to. Of course I did. I drove home in a wonderful haze and finally fell asleep for a few hours, dreaming of seeing her again.

Lorrie called that afternoon to tell me that her co-worker had discovered "Blackjack," and was going to play all night (Yea Reno!!!) so she was free and wanted come over again. We spent the evening together, only this time managed to venture out for a very late dinner. I got us lost downtown for a little bit on the way home. I have lived in this town for more than 20 years and two days with Lorrie and I didn't know which way was up!!!

But I knew I was madly in love with her. Yes, the So Very God Damn Rational Rebecca had fallen head over heels in love by email, phone and two short nights together. I knew she was going home in three days to her children, husband and lived 2653 miles away. Obviously I had lost my mind. But it was just my heart I lost after all.

Continuing.......(Lorrie and the kids are off for the weekend, so don't get too impatient OK?)

(You may read the continuing story of More Than 3000 emails - 2000 phone calls by clicking on Part I, Part II and Part III and Part IV)

It Takes More Than 3000 Emails........(continued)

(You may read the continuing story of More Than 3000 emails - 2000 phone calls by clicking on Part I, Part II and Part III and Part IV)

From the beginning of our correspondence, Lorrie had made it perfectly clear what her motivations were, she needed to find out what it was like to be with a woman, that she was married and wished to remain so, that once she got this out of her system, she would then be able to live the rest of her life happily heterosexual. And she emphatically stated that she was honest with her husband about everything. And she was. He did know pretty much from the start what was going on.

Yes, I wanted sex, sex and more sex!!!! LOL! I was just in the beginning of trying to figure "me" out. Even though I had known for years that I was attracted to women, I really thought that if I just had this experience I could get back to living the so called "normal life" that I had chosen so many years before. Little did I know that just by getting to know Rebecca on the phone and through many, many emails it had already turned into so much more than just sex! I only knew this woman from a distance and was already so attracted and connected to her!

And yes, I did tell my husband pretty much everything. I'm sure I left a lot of the details out, but he knew what was going on.

My motivations were a bit more fuzzy. After reading her first emails, I liked her a whole lot. I wanted to at least keep in touch with her because we shared so many of the same experiences. I liked talking to her on the phone too. I did accept that maybe we would just be friends for a while or even for the rest of our lives, but really we would just be friends in the end. When we started talking about the sexual side of things, I knew I hoped there was a possibility we were going to be intimate, I really found myself extremely (totally, completely and entirely) attracted to her, but it still was never really guaranteed.

I wouldn't say I thought it was a guarantee that we were going to be intimate, but I did think there was a very great possibility!! After all, we had talked about it and wrote about it in great detail...and there was definitely a big spark present!!

It certainly bothered me a lot that she was married and that she lived so far away. I told Lorrie that part of the relationship was entirely up to her, I would not make the first move in that direction. I never wanted her to feel pressured by me into sharing her first time. She let me know right from the beginning that if we did, it would be short term, maybe two nights out of the week she was to be here.

Me make the first move...yikes!!!!!! LOL! Sexually I don't think I had ever made the first move before, but maybe that was because the previous moves were being made towards men. I knew I wanted to make the first move! I knew I couldn't be intimate with Rebecca and then just walk away and never talk to her again. I figured we would maintain some sort of long distance friendship. Wow, what a long distance friendship and much much more it turned out to be!!

When she walked into the bar, immediately, the electricity between us was palpable. My brain did start to work finally and we started talking. The time in the bar is a blur in my mind, I remember being so nervous, I could barely look at her after she sat down, afraid she would see too much in my own face and scare her away. I know we made small talk about how great it was to finally meet each other and had another drink. All the wonderful things about her in her emails and phone calls were definitely there in person, making the crush I had on her already deepen. Finally, all I was really doing was hoping and waiting for her to ask to go back to my place.

So I asked her if she wanted another drink, praying that she would say no, let's go....

I don't remember much of the small talk either. I think we were pretty much the only ones in the bar at that time, it was early in the evening. I remember remarking that Monday night football was on already; back east it wouldn't be on until 8 or 9pm. (6pm Reno time) I know we talked in the bar for about 20 minutes or so and then when Rebecca ask me if I wanted another drink, I said.....

"No, I think I want to go to your place...." I caught my breath, at last, "OK, let's go"

There had been many smiles and smirks (smirks? I smirked? I thought they were very meaningful looks, damn, just smirks.......) and looks that made me think that maybe Rebecca was ready to go too! (Oh YEAH BABY!!) We made our way to the car and took off for her place. This I will never forget....we both put our elbows on the console in the middle...our elbows touched...OMG, the electricity I felt go through me was absolutely amazing!!! It wasn't at all like static electricity, it was as if lightning struck! And it struck hard!

My place was about 15 minutes from the Airport, (within the city of Reno everywhere is about 15 minutes from the airport, I kid you not.) I made it in 5. Once we were in the door, I got nervous again, I wasn't all that experienced in this sort of thing myself, so I asked her if she wanted some wine? No. I asked if she wanted tea? No. I went to pour myself a glass of wine, thinking that I really should kiss her, I want to kiss her very much, when I felt her hand on the crook of my arm, I turned, looked into her eyes, smiled, and then she kissed me....

Lightly at first, and I returned it in kind, then we kissed more intensely and that's the moment when the rest of the world dropped away, time stopped and there was only Lorrie and I, our passion and our need remaining...

(yup, leaving you hanging again...while we talk more about exactly what to say next)

To be continued again..........

It Takes More Than 3000 Emails..........

Lorrie and I have talked about blogging about what it has taken to maintain a relationship for nearly 3 years while living 2,653 miles apart. (that's door to door by the way according to Google Maps) Wow, that is a long way away!! But there are so many times I can feel you right next to me!


We thought it might be fun to tell you how it started and what it has been like from both points of view.
Lorrie's text in blue
Rebecca's text in dark purple

The Beginning

Lorrie and I began communicating with each other after she sent me an email on Friend Finders. I signed up to meet lesbians in Reno without going to the one gay bar I knew of at the time, I hoped to make friends and maybe find someone special, I didn't know at the time that I would meet my true love, my partner and my soulmate all at once.

Since Lorrie was from PA, not Reno, her email went to my filtered folder, I saw it there and was going to delete it. But I read it instead. (I have thanked Rebecca many times for digging me out of her filtered folder!) Her feelings of being attracted to women all her life, that she was married, had never acted on it, could not deny the feelings any longer was eerily familiar. I didn't know how many of us were out there at that time, I knew about me, and had heard stories of women leaving their husbands to be who they really were before, but I didn't KNOW any one else. So I emailed her back. And she wrote more to me.

Yes, I know you are all thinking why was Lorrie emailing women in Reno. Well let me reemphasize the line above; I could not deny the feelings of being attracted to women and I needed to act on them! I don't think I am alone in the thought that I had; if I just acted on this desire and "got it out of my system" I could somehow find a way to be happily heterosexual again. Don't all laugh at once!! And after all, a business trip to Reno was the perfect opportunity. OK, we are both a little embarrassed how we met, can you tell? LOL. But not sorry at all....

Our first few emails told each other about ourselves. Our families, her husband, my ex, our kids, our jobs. She told me she would be flying to Reno on business in about 6 weeks. Lorrie wanted to know what it had been like for me with my first woman, when did I first have feelings for other women, you know, all the usual things two women talk about. I really liked her already from her emails, she was open and honest, friendly and warm, they were like a lot of her posts actually. I felt like we were right there talking, face to face. It was easy to say I would like to meet her when she came to town.

Rebecca's story of her first experience with a woman is a pretty good one, she will have to tell all of you sometime, lol! I think NOT, I don't even remember it anymore anyway....

We started talking on the phone shortly after that. Well, it was more Lorrie would talk and I would try to answer at first. I didn't used to be much of a phone talker. I seem to need to look at someone to really talk to them. But Lorrie was a trooper, constantly asking me questions to draw me out. Telling me things about her life and what she liked to do, so I could answer her in kind. It wasn't that hard really, right from the start, she could make me laugh. Just the way she looked at life and things, it was so much like my own sarcastic sense of humor. The humor got me talking back to her and finally she got me to the point where it is so easy for me to talk to her about anything, on the phone or in person.

Now, can any of you believe this?! Isn't it hard to believe that the woman that can go on and on in her blogs (not that that is a bad thing and it IS very educational)(educational = boring...) would only give me one or two word answers to my questions at first! So then I decided I would go to the interview technique of asking open ended questions; you know, like "so Rebecca, if we ever get to meet face to face, what would you like to do.......to me?" OK, so I didn't ask that question until at least the third phone call, lol! (Yeah, that question shocked me too, she seemed so.....so proper!)

I couldn't wait to meet her in the weeks before she was to arrive. When we started emailing I had just moved into my new tiny apartment, and I had only kitchenware in it. I had been trying to furnish the place but was also wanting to fill it with things that I would love so I was taking my time, I was sleeping on the floor, had no where to sit, my dresser was still cardboard boxes, I had the laptop hooked up and a TV.......you get the idea.

Now, I had to move my furniture schedule up, and after all those phone calls, emails and questions, I figured the first piece of furniture I better get was a bed!

We really did hit it off on the phone. It was (eventually) very easy to talk to one another, about everything and anything. We had had similar experiences in our marriages and dealing with heterosexual sex; but we also had wonderful conversations about our kids, our jobs, our hobbies...just anything that came up. I could not wait to meet her in person and it had turned into so much more than just a possible hookup with a woman.

So yes, the phone calls were nice but let me tell you the emails took a turn for the hot, hot , HOT!!!!! I think if we dig out some of those old emails we could write a very juicy lesbian romance novel!!

Sooooooo THE DAY Lorrie was to arrive was upon us. I cleaned the apartment, went and bought some pink roses and got ready to meet her. I put the roses in water, took one out to give to her and left.

I was as nervous as could be, we had decided to meet in one of the bars in the hotel she was staying at later that evening after she landed. I got to the hotel early, and discovered the "bar" was really in the middle of the casino floor, LOL. OMG NO WAY!!! I called her up, and she asked if I could find another one that was more private, she was getting ready and would be down shortly. (I am not big on casinos so I didn't really know the place very well.) I hunted around and found one that was good sized and hardly anyone was there at all. I called her and let her know where I was, bought a drink, and sat down in a lovely oversized easy chair to wait. For about 20 minutes. Sweating. Will she show up? What if she changes her mind, chickens out? OMG what the hell am I DOING HERE???

The days before leaving for my business trip to Reno I could almost not contain myself. I felt like a little girl going to Disneyland for the first time! I kept having to remind myself that I was going there to go to a training class for some silly robotic system at work and not to finally meet this wonderful woman I had been talking to and getting closer and closer to for weeks now.

I tried to amuse myself on the plane ride out west; I even took my sons old Gameboy along. Nothing would take my thoughts off of meeting Rebecca, seeing her face to face, being in the same room with her!

After I made it to the hotel, I showered and started to get ready for our big "date". I was so nervous. I briefly, very briefly considered not going down to the bar. I remember looking in the mirror and saying to myself "Lorrie you really like this woman and already have a good relationship with her; just go downstairs and have a good time!"

Once I walked in the bar and saw Rebecca waiting for me in the big comfy chair with drink in hand and one waiting for me (yes, of course she knew what I liked to drink, we had talked about it) everything just fell into place. EVERYTHING JUST FELL INTO PLACE!!!

And then this tall, amazing blond walks in, and I know it is her, she's here, SHE SHOWED UP! I could feel the biggest smile ever form on my face when I saw her, and then my brain lost it.... OhIhopeshelikesmewhatifshedoesn'tstandupstandupshakeherhandnogiveherahugwhatshouldIdoohhelp!!!
We are leaving you hanging right here.....to be continued of course!

(You may read the continuing story of More Than 3000 emails - 2000 phone calls by clicking on Part I, Part II and Part III and Part IV)

Meet The Boys: From a late in life family.

Let me introduce you to "my boys" Oh they are older now, but I love this picture, I always have. (I am the Mother, I choose the pictures.) The big smiley one in the front is James. And the one with the knowing look in the back is Kevin. He is the oldest. Kevin is 18 now, he will be 19 in a few months. James is everything you mothers of girls warn them about. Just ask Lorrie. He is 16 now. He can charm..... well you know the rest. The boys were, for much of their life, raised in a so called "traditional family." At the time I would have told you we were were a "close" family. That I was really close with my boys. Their father and I were married until Kevin was 15 and James 13. I divorced their father before I came out publicly.

Kevin and I had a talk last night. He is living with me again. He moved out last October. We hadn't been on very good terms since last spring and things came to a head finally and it was best that he move out. He has since made real progress with a lot of things and I have also learned how to express my momness in a way that he can deal with better. He has Asperger syndrome. He was diagnosed rather late, so communicating verbally correctly is more important with him than with someone who can read body language and understand vocal cues. It is something I am only really now beginning to understand. Kevin has made huge progress in learning to look for the clues the rest of us just seem to see.

We had a good talk. We talked about his dad, that his dad really is a good guy at heart, but that the alcohol had really ruined some of the good, but that he still loved him, as he should, how he missed his brother living away, how he got his GED and has returned to Adult School to get his high school diploma as well. (one issue causing momness was his dropping out last year! YIKES) He has been seriously looking for work but it hasn't been easy in this economy, but he has had some good interviews and he has an in (me) where I work. ( His efforts last year were nil, another issue for momness.)

And then he said "it really freaked James and I out when you came out Mom." and went on to another subject. I said, wait a minute, you can't drop that A-bomb and just go on Kev, you have to explain that one to me. He said OK we will talk about it tomorrow. Ummmm NOPE, we are talking about it tonight or I won't sleep at all.

After the initial shock of me coming out, and some really dumb jokes in bad taste, the boys have been fine, it has been a non issue, I thought. They have told me several times that growing up they really never felt I loved them, not knowing I had killed all my emotions to stay in the closet.

"Yeah, you really changed a lot after you came out. You dressed completely different, you talked different, you acted different and you even smoked different cigarettes all of a sudden."

He was right, when I came out I dressed more feminine, a little younger even, not really "old lady trying to look like a teenager", LOL, but I started wearing a little sexier clothes. I let my hair grow a bit, I lost weight, I did speak differently. I didn't mumble as much, I voiced my opinions, I speak with more authority in my voice than I used to. (The cigarettes were cheaper, no other reason) I sat up straighter, I was more outgoing than I was before. I was also newly in love and I was glowing with it. (I am and I still do!) I thought the changes were good.

It never occurred to me that to have their mother change literally, in their eyes, overnight was freaky. Even good change. But I see it now. He let me discuss my view of the change too. And he listened. And then I listened some more. He hugged me good night and I hugged him back and told him how much I really loved him. He said he knows I do now.

James is not as vocal as his brother is about such things. We have had a few, (for James that is a lot) discussions about some of what Kevin talked about last night. But I hadn't put it all together. James is much happier that I show more emotion now too and knows how much I love him. We joke a bit more and we got to know each other better the last 7 months with just the two of us. It was really nice. But he is glad Kevin is back. I am too. Very glad.

We are becoming a closer family now that I have come out. Their father moved to California last year, they still talk to him on the phone, send each other letters and DVD's and they are going to visit him this summer. He has stopped drinking and smoking and he has gotten better at communicating with both of them as well. He and I can talk now, as the best friends we always really were. And as the parents of children should.

We aren't very much a "traditional family" anymore. But for us anyway, that definition of family never fit very well, it was unnatural, we just didn't know it at the time. Our family now means we trust each other enough to talk about things, even uncomfortable things, we aren't afraid to grow together or admit our mistakes, we aren't afraid nor incapable of showing love for each other and best of all, the boys see and feel that I love them unconditionally and they know it in their hearts as well. They know now their father does too.

Our new definition fits us much better. Finally we are a real family...naturally.

Learning To Love Again After A Winter Of Discontent....

When the idea for Blogging For Truth came to me, that maybe we should discuss what the hate really does, I didn't realize at the time, but I was going through a season that was the direct result of "feeling the hate." I started to notice the loudest, cruelest, most violent voices against the entire LGBTQ community were coming from my so called fellow Christians.

I am a firm believer that God is always our defense. But I forgot I believed that for a while. I forgot to keep my eyes on the Lord, and instead started looking at the faces who where shouting at us the loudest.

I listened to their voices and not God's. I watched their faces twisted in hate and not God's. I took in their words and not God's and because of this I began to doubt in God, because God was starting to look a lot like Maggie Gallagher.

I started to think that all Christians were like that, and if they were and we are to "know them by their fruits," then all of religion was fetid fruit indeed. For the first time since I first really, really believed in 1973, I began to question if there even was a God above. I started to respond to the hate with hate in my own heart. I couldn't think clearly, I felt depressed and I didn't know why I felt so angry about everything all the time.

Because I wasn't listening anymore to God, but the voices of hate around me, in the news, on the TV, blogs, online news outlets, and You Tube, He had to speak to me in other ways. I started getting books to work on with titles like "How God Changes Your Brain" by neurosurgeon, Andrew Newberg, M. D. and "A People's History of Christianity: The Other Side of the Story" by Diana Butler Bass. Then, I ran across something I had never seen before, called The Didache and finally He took me back to SisterFriends Together, specifically to a post called More Jesus, Less Religion. And He spoke to me through Lorrie more often than she will ever know, because He knows I can't help but listen to her.

The Didache I came across early in the winter, it is THE early new testament. It was handed out to nearly every new convert during the first few centuries. It was either written by or dictated by the Apostolic Fathers in common. It has never been disputed as authentic cannon but had not been chosen to be included in what we now call "The Bible" because many believed it was inelegant and had been widely distributed already. It is everything the Christian way of life was supposed to be.

The major point in How God Changes Your Brain, to me, was when Dr. Newberg explains how much believing in God and worship, and meditation on God improves our mental well being, functions and overall health. That certain areas of our brain actually grow, our reasoning functions and higher thinking abilities increase in other positive areas. He shows how there are measurable physical differences between believers and non believers and how people who are religious and who hate, suffer actual brain damage. Irreversible brain damage. The hate damages core areas in the brain that are needed for reason and higher thinking. I have always believed God speaks to each of us in ways that will personally touch us. ( or get through our thick skulls?) This book spoke volumes to me, not the least being I better let go of the hate before it was too late.

What I read in A People's History of Christianity reminded me that believing in Jesus is a way of life, that there is a whole history of "after" Jesus that as a people we have forgotten and that Jesus' teachings have always been inclusive, enlightened, personal and most assuredly revolutionary. It isn't the Systems of Belief that are preached from many a pulpit, it is about a simple way of life that is highly spiritual, loving, sometimes difficult and always committed.

Lastly I came upon the post "More Jesus, Less Religion." In it, Anita says nearly the same thing about the way of life and she says: "So this is my year to walk a new path, to take the fork in the road; not away from God but away from name-brand Christianity, a Christianity that has become a distraction and obstacle to experiencing an authentic encounter with God and engaging in a life of radical grace and love that was and remains the watermark of the earthly life of Jesus, the Son of God. -- During this year I’m choosing to no longer self-identify as a Christian but as a follower of Jesus. Before the early Christians were known as Christians they were called the People of the Way."

It seems it isn't my year to walk away from God either, but to start following The Way, and I think after escaping the hate, I can see how easy it is to fall into that never ending cycle of it.

I am so thankful that it is "....the work of God, that you believe on him whom he has sent." (John 6:29), because otherwise I think I would have lost to and been consumed by the hate. I am thankful because He is faithful even when those who call themselves by His name are not, I am thankful He knows how to talk to me even when I am hard hearted (and headed) and don't want to listen, I am grateful He gave me Lorrie to listen to, learn from, to love and be loved by.

Psalm 91 [personalized]

She who dwells in the shelter of the Most High
will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
I will say of the LORD,
“He is my refuge and my fortress,
my God, in whom I trust.”
He will cover me with his feathers,
and under his wings I will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be my shield and rampart.
I will not fear the terror of night,
nor the arrow that flies by day,
nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
nor the plague that destroys at midday.

If you make the Most High your dwelling—
even the LORD, who is my refuge-
then no harm will befall you,
no disaster will come near your tent.
“Because she loves me,” says the LORD, “I will rescue her;
I will protect her, for she acknowledges my name.
She will call upon me, and I will answer her;
I will be with her in trouble,
I will deliver her and honor her.
With long life will I satisfy her
and show her my salvation.”

This Semester is Almost Over....And I Have Been Thinking...Again...

And it can't end soon enough!!! I over loaded my schedule and then work started requiring OT and Saturdays too! County libraries do not seem to be having too many financial troubles this year damn it.

This Friday, Lorrie and I are traveling to my little sister's place, I just got an email from her with an itinerary, OMG NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have told her several times we just want to visit and relax, but she seems bound and determined to force us to see Oklahoma. Sigh. I think Lorrie's and my patience will be sorely tested. At least we aren't driving out to her place the first night, we will stay near the airport. We need that "re-connecting" time, we sure do, we so very much do, WE SVFGDMUCH DO!!!!!!!!!! sooooo......can we change our plane reservations to say, maybe, Chicago??? What do you think Baby?? LOL.

I love my little sister very much and she is very excited to be meeting Lorrie and all, I guess we can't disappoint her...I guess.....after all she was the first family member, after the ex and my boys, I came out to and she has always been very, very, very supportive and happy for me.

She and I are really only a year apart, and most of the time growing up it felt like we were not just sisters but twins. Still, I used to pay her a dollar sometimes NOT to hang out with my friends and I, when she was pesty sometimes, (Gawd I was a mean sister!) but my friends were her friends too as hers were mine also. She would come find us after about an hour anyway, and I didn't always have another dollar, LOL.

I wish my sister lived in another state, traveling to the South right now doesn't feel so comfortable. Lorrie and I have become used to holding hands in public without much thought, we've stayed here in Reno or Philly or gone to cities that are more forward thinking. My sister isn't sure what we may encounter if we were to do that there, she said probably just name calling, no violence. It is a college town at least, but we won't hold hands just to be safe.

What a thought, that here, in the United States, we have to monitor our natural feelings of love and affection for each other to avoid verbal or even physical abuse.

I have read some comments about LGBT activists lately, they say that we just want to push our lifestyle on other people. They wouldn't hurt so much but they have been written by LGBT people themselves. I really don't care if someone doesn't wish to advocate for equal rights. We are after all a large group of people who believe most of the bad that is said about us. I have found many in the community just want things to quiet down and quit drawing attention to ourselves. If we didn't believe the bad, we would have made a bigger noise in the early 70's after Stonewall and Anita Bryant, Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson began the Anti-Gay Industry. We believe it because that is how we were raised, it is deeply ingrained.

But advocating for every human being's equal rights is something I do. I have for most of my life. It hasn't always been LGBT rights, it had been for every ethnic minority, every disabled person and every woman. It is LGBT rights right now, because this time it is the most personal.

Why do I fight for human rights? I seem to have been born with, or very early on developed, something in me that finds injustice of any kind offensive. Really offensive. See, I believe all human beings are born free and equal in dignity and rights. They are endowed with reason and conscience and should act towards one another in a spirit of brotherhood. I do not seek a Utopia, I don't believe they exist. But I do believe that when the majority of people treat each other as they themselves wish to be treated, then we can have a better, if not perfect world.

That LGBT people are discriminated against, in their day to day lives, within the courts, within their places of employment and in housing, is injustice of the worst kind. Life isn't always fair, but we should always strive to make it JUST. After all, don't we talk about judgment day? In the end, justice will always be served.

I do not seek anything at all for LGBT persons except freedom from fear, the freedom to live where we want, the freedom to work where we want, the freedom to choose as my heir the person I love, but most of all, I fight for the freedom to love fully and completely whom my heart has chosen.

I fight because I have hope that people will become more accepting, I hope because then the next generation of LGBT youth may not have to hate themselves so much, that women like me do not take such drastic measures to deny who they are so that their family will love them. I have hope that no more men, women and children will be hurt and families torn apart because we married so we could become more acceptable to society as a whole, but then found that life utterly unbearable. I hope we are more accepted so that gay men, lesbian women, bi-sexuals and transgender folks are no longer called names, beaten and murdered.

I fight because right now, our society has made being gay so evil, so wretched, that two boys, from two different cities, recently committed suicide because their school peers kept calling them gay. These boys did not identify as gay, they were both 11, they both believed being called gay was so bad, so awful they no longer wished to live.

You don't have to fight for your rights, there will always be people that will do it for you, I don't have to fight either, there will always be someone else. I just need to, it is who I am. I like who I am.

Rainy Daydreams

It's raining today in Reno, on days like this I can't help wishing that Lorrie was here and we could have the whole day to ourselves. In my daydream, we are all snuggled up under the covers, skin to skin.

When I close my eyes, I can really feel her next to me, I imagine we haven't gotten out of bed yet and it is 10:30 already. I can feel her warmth next to mine, her breath on my neck and her fingers lightly running through my hair... I love the way her breasts rise and fall against my cheek and I can feel her heartbeat, my own fingers gliding along her back.

When we are like this, all intertwined , happy and content, I don't know, nor do I care, where I end and she starts, we are one, completed and whole.
My heart bursts with love for her and tears form in my eyes. I have to look up at her just to make sure it isn't all a dream. She smiles at me, maybe thinking the same things I am.

When I look into her eyes and see her love there, I thank God for giving me such a wonderous gift. I really don't deserve her and am awed that she is in my life.

That Sappiness Factor........

My mind has been kind of one track lately, although I try to hide it. I guess maybe not hide it, but try to get distracted by things like school and work from it. That one track is Lorrie, all things Lorrie!!! Like I wish my day at work was over as soon as it starts because then we can talk on the phone. I can't wait to hear her voice everyday. Even if we have just a few minutes, my day is just not the same without that call. Or while I am studying, checking my email every 5 minutes to see if she has written anything, or writing an email every 10 minutes until I realize I am on the verge of being (or appearing to be) a stalker or something...........

I used to worry I was obsessed with her, and then when I realized I was, I learned to embrace the obsession and enjoy it instead of worrying about it. LOL. Since embracing it, I have learned to multi-task very well. I can take care of my teenage son, keep the apartment fairly clean, work, go to school, even get a small promotion and be an honor student, all while I am really only thinking about Lorrie. I wouldn't call it obsession anymore, I have learned this is part of what love is.

Lorrie is after all my first, last and only love. At 48, I feel like a teenager most of the time since falling in love with her. Even when we are apart. I get giggly and smiley at the merest thought of her no matter where I am. I want only the best for her, I only want her to be happy, I ache for her constantly, my body and my heart aches for her. Especially my heart. And I have become sappy about her and about life in general. I am really sappy when we are together.

I identify with characters in love stories and movies now. I cry at heartbreak and cheer when they get back together. I listen to music now. Lots of music. Mostly love songs. Not sad love songs, but romantic, sappy, mushy love songs. I have about 4000 love songs now. That is a lot of sappiness!!! I sing along with them because I am singing them to Lorrie. She may not hear me, but I am. It is probably best that she not hear me, but I sing them anyway. Niagara, by Sara Evans is my favorite. Lorrie emailed it to me after we had been together for about 3 months.

My favorite sappy things to think about are the little things that I envision us doing together when we finally are living together. Waking up with her every morning. Cooking her breakfast, fixing her tea and my coffee. Fixing dinner for us at night, or going out to eat because we are both tired from a long day at work. Kissing her before we go to work, kissing her when we get home. Being able to reach out and touch her hair when we are watching TV together. Going to catch a movie or a show some evening on the spur of the moment. Working out together. And going to bed with her every night. I get really sappy-weepy thinking about these things.

I want to thank Lorrie for telling me she loves me, sending me Niagara, and letting me love her and be sappy with her. I like being sappy now. I feel alive in it. I have learned that as a tree is dead without sap, so are humans.