Saturday, December 27, 2008

Thinking About The New Year.......And The Old

Wishing you and yours only the best of New Years.....
I am looking forward to the New Year, I am actually excited about it. I have never made a list of New Year's Resolutions if you want to know the truth...But I have a few for this year!
They are:

  1. Quit Smoking, OMG Lorrie will love this one!
  2. Drop the 20 lbs that just keep hanging on to me. I know how to do it, I have just been lazy.
  3. Quit procrastinating about things like Dr.'s and Dentists appointments. I have gotten a lot better recently about procrastinating in general, but still do it in these two areas.
  4. Pay attention especially in my HTML/XHTML class so I can make the blog interactive with a discussion forum.
Another reason to be excited is that Lorrie and I will have some time together towards February! I can't wait to have her beautiful sexy self right in front of me where I can lean over and just kiss her if I want to!

Last year was definitely mixed for me. My oldest son gave me quite a few gray hairs before he finally moved out. I love him very much, but he wanted to "rule the roost" and do only what he wanted to do, which did not include going to school or working, LOL. I think his tone has changed quite a bit lately.
Lorrie and I connected on a new higher level and fell deeper in love with each other than we thought was possible.
I have enjoyed having just alone time with my younger son, something the two of us have really never experienced before.
I came out to my entire family, including my very fundamentalist brother and his wife. My Sister-in-law sent me a Christmas card and has forwarded me a few emails, but the closest I got from hearing anything from my brother is a chain email, LOL, maybe he was fishing to see if I would open up discussion, or maybe I was just on that mailing list. I don't know how to begin the discussion if you want to know.
My dad, who spent most of my youth instilling in me that one of the most important things in life is what other people think of you and one must behave according to all social norms and dictates, was the
only one in my family who always suspected I was a lesbian. ARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
I think I am really, really over trying to please other people because of rejection.
The one sister I had not yet come out to was shocked, but OK with me being a lesbian. She said she was glad I finally found someone who really loves me and whom I love just as much.
So, what are your New Year Resolutions?? And how was your 2008?

Thursday, December 25, 2008

From Lorrie and I to all of you.

Monday, December 22, 2008

8 against H8

When I heard that American Family Association (AKA Anti Gay Movement Leadership) was going after Campbell's soup I got really miffed about their efforts to have Campbell's pull their ads from The Advocate.
Campbell's is one of the leaders in the world of corporate social responsibility. I know a little about them from their labels for education program at the schools my kids attended and attend. The blurb below is from their site:
"For more than 30 years, Labels for Education has been awarding free educational equipment to schools in exchange for proofs of purchase from the Campbell family of brands. It’s a fun, easy program where students, families and members of the community work together for a common goal.
Today, over 80,000 schools and organizations are registered with Labels for Education, benefiting more than 42 million students. Over the years, we've been able to provide more than $100 million in merchandise to America's schools!"

Campbell's soup also uses sustainable farming techniques and recycles about 70% of their solid waste.

They are also a very progressive employer with 50% of their workfoce being women and 34% people of color. They also actively seek out suppliers who are diverse. Their inclusion policy includes Gays, Lesbians Bisexuals AND Transgender employees.

Below are some exerpts from their 2008 Corporate Social Responsibility Report :

A member of the CEO ’s Executive Leadership Team serves as a sponsor for each affinity network.
These networks are: Women of Campbell, Campbell African American Network, Hispanic Network de Campbell, Asian Network of Campbell, Our Pride Employee Network (OPEN), Campbell’s gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender employee network and The Bridge, an affinity network that brings together four generations of employees from Millennials to Traditionalists....Campbell has developed a diversity and inclusion scorecard to benchmark progress in the areas of recruitment, development and retention. We believe that representation, while important, only lays the foundation for creating a dynamically diverse and inclusive environment.

Myself and 7 others got together at work (NOT CAMPBELL'S BTW) to buy at least 8 cans of Campbell's soup a week for one month. Now, that is lots of soup, LOL. I also sent an email to Douglas Conant of Campbell's at letting him know of our intentions against AFA's hate.

But I think that if others who see the AFA's attack on Campbells as another extension of the Anti-Gay industries campaign to send us back into the closet, then we should get a BUYcott going of 8 cans a month per participant. If you don't eat that much soup, then you can donate it to your local food bank, a neighbor or homeless person. It would work out to about 8 dollars a month.

Friday, December 19, 2008

Leaving Your Old Life

When Lorrie and I signed up and started this blog for women like us, our intention was to reach out to, connect with and help and learn from other women who had lived a life like us before coming out. (i.e "the straight life" "the socially acceptable life")
One of the things I would like to discuss in leaving your old life is what you took with you, or left behind.
Independently, and before we met, we both either knew of or heard of women who had
A.) left their husbands and left the kids with the husband and moved in with their love,
B.) kept the kids and moved in all together with the new love,
C.) stayed with the husbands and kids and sought an "open marriage" or
D.) for lack of a better way to put it, continued to have a secret affair with their lover
and basically remained "in the closet" until the kids were grown.

Our side of the story is this:
If you have read some of our earlier posts, you know Lorrie and I live 2,500 miles apart. After we first met and fell in love, we talked about one of us moving across the country to be closer to each other. After I came out to my kids, I knew I couldn't leave just yet because neither of my children wanted to leave Reno. They were born and raised here and were in High School. I moved a lot when I was a kid, I know how hard it can be to make new friends and go to new schools, especially high school. I knew I should stay here until they were out of High School. It is only another year and a half, and I decided to get my degree in the meantime. Besides, Nevada colleges are a lot less expensive than Pennsylvania ones, LOL.

Lorrie's kids did not wish to move from their home either being also born and raised there. Soooooo, we fly back and forth as often as is possible. It is not easy, it is down right painful at times actually. But I know that in the end it will have made everyone's life easier and it, I believe, will stem off any resentment that the merging of the two families prematurely might have caused.

See, our situation is different than a man/woman thing, because the kids would have had to deal with not only moving to a new state, town and neighborhood, but the added bigotry of some folks, and they would have likely faced teasing and harassment from their peers about their two moms. If the kids had been willing to move, I don't think we would need to worry about their ability to deal with the bigotry. But when you add that to the fact they are where they don't want to be, we both felt it would be too much.

Now, before we came to this decision, we both wanted to just pack up, leave the kids with their fathers if they didn't want to come with us, and just start a new life together. I mean we really really were tempted and I even sent Lorrie Norah Jones's song "Come Away With Me" which was rather selfish of me now that I think about it. One of Lorries kids was just hitting puberty at the time and the youngest was only eight. Not a good time to have mom just pack up and leave.
But we were sorely tempted let me tell you. I think that for us, in the end, we made the best choice for ourselves and for our children. For ourselves, because we believed that if we hurt our children or the other's children, we could begin to resent that in each other, and it would end up damaging the amazing love we do have for each other.

But by the same token, we also understand the incredible desire, want and need to be with the one we love totally, completely and entirely and right now! And if we had chosen that path we know we would have been trying, like women who do choose to live together, to make the very best of very messy things.

I have come to realize that women like us are forced to make these very hard choices because it is that old "societies norm" kinda thing. If we had fallen in love with another "man" the choices are often more open. The pain might not be less, but the healing time I think is shorter. The husband can move out, you don't fear losing your kids so much, and if you do leave your kids, there isn't that "stigma" attatched to it that it was all about another woman. I mean, if that stigma didn't matter to us, we would have been "out" years ago, right?

So my seekers of truth and love, how has living in the closet affected you and yours? How hard was it for your ex, or present husband to realize it was "another woman"? And aren't you glad you don't have to be in that dark lonely place anymore? I know I am. I know that we have a ways to go to clean up the messes made by that dark place, but it isn't anything that can't be done now that we have seen the light!

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Missing You......

I miss everything about you.
I miss the way you always smell good even if it's just shampoo.
The way your head always finds the right spot on my shoulder.
How cute you look when you sleep.
The ease in which you fit into my arms.
How cute you are when you eat.

I miss how you are always warm, even when it's minus 30 outside.
The way you look good no matter what you wear.
The way your hand always finds mine.
The way you smile.
The way you make me smile.

I miss the way you kiss me all of a sudden, making everything right in the world.
The way you kiss me when I do something nice for you.
The way you kiss me when I say "I love you."

Actually ... just the way you kiss me,

The way you say, "I miss you."
The way I miss you.
The way your anger or frustration or even tears make me want to change the world so that it doesn't hurt you anymore.

I miss you because when I fell in love with you, you became every thing to me.
When I look you in the eyes, I travel to the depths of your soul and we say a million things without a single word.
I know that my own life is entwined with yours.

I love you for a million reasons no words can do justice.
It is a thing not only of my mind but of my soul and heart.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Could we be "allergic"?

OK, this post is for fun, and maybe science...
(You may not and probably don't know this, but I think science, well scientists, especially one in particular, is/are very, very SEXY!!!)
Lorrie and I were talking on the phone this afternoon, as we do every day, and somehow we got to talking about how we would have to wash off the sperm right away after sex with our husbands, (when we were still in denial, LOL)because it would a.)burn and/or b.)itch like crazy..........SO OF COURSE we both said, "I used to think I was maybe allergic!!" OK, OK, I am still giggling about it, sorry.....
Now, we know we are not lesbian's because we are allergic, but we are wondering if we are allergic because we ARE lesbians?
Please, someone reply to this one, we need to hear your thoughts or experiences for the sake of "science!!"

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Have you ever been Lonely?

Did you know you can’t truly feel lonely until you know what it’s like to be with someone you truly love, someone you enjoy doing anything and everything with, someone you can truly be yourself with at all times?
It took me 45 years to figure this out! And then my true love had to tell me as I couldn’t quite put my finger on it…Thank You Rebecca!!
I always thought I was OK with not feeling deeply emotionally attached to people, a little bit of a loner.
But…then I fell in LOVE; for the first time in my life feeling complete with another!!
And now…when she is not with me, close to me..I am truly lonely. And yes, you are right Honey; I am not alone..nor do I feel alone…alone and lonely are very different. I am not alone, as you are always with me in some way. And it is OK that I feel lonely…that just proves to me how much I Miss You and Love You!!
And….we will not be lonely forever…we will have the rest of our lives to filled up with each other!!!

Friday, November 28, 2008

It's been 30 years, it's time to stop the spread of AIDS

Bloggers Unite
In 2005, women represented 26 percent of new AIDS diagnoses, compared to only 11 percent of new AIDS cases reported in 1990. Most women are infected with HIV through heterosexual contact and injection drug use.
Women of color are disproportionately affected by HIV/AIDS. AIDS is now the leading cause of death for Black women ages 25 to 34.
The CDC reports over 56,000 new cases are estimated to have occurred in the United States in 2006.
I personally do not know anyone who has AIDS, but that doesn't mean I won't in my lifetime, or that I just don't know I know someone. While advances are being made everyday in finding an answer to stopping it, the rate worldwide of new infections each year is still over two and a half million.
This is no longer just the "gay virus" and it should concern all of us. It is a human concern. "UNAIDS estimates the number of AIDS case worldwide at 33 million; its previous estimate of 40 million was revised last year because of changes to how it counts cases.
Officials estimate that 2 million people died from AIDS last year, down from approximately 2.2 million in 2005." -AP
The sad thing is, condoms do reduce the risk of contracting AIDS through sex and clean needle programs help stop the spread through IV drug use, but most cities fear that passing out clean needles means they condone drug use, or worse yet, feel that handing out free condoms condones promiscuity. Of course, there are those men who refuse to wear one because it isn't "macho". Of course dying of AIDS or living on expensive medication regimes is even LESS MACHO.
Links to find out more:
Learn the Link: Drug abuse and AIDS
One Condom Challenge to President Elect Barack Obama

Friday, November 21, 2008

What a Month

November has been busy, wild, fun, fabulous and a bit crazy.
I have other venues for politics and this one isn't one of them, so I am just going to say I was very happy Barak H. Obama was elected, saddened that Prop. H8 passed in CA, as well as 102 in Arizona and 2 in Florida. I was angry that the anti gay adoption and foster parent bill passed in Arkansas.
On Friday the 7th I flew back East to Pennsylvania to spend some time with Lorrie. On Saturday we drove to Rehoboth Beach in Delaware and had a wonderful 3 1/2 days there. I am always so happy just to be with My Love. Rehoboth Beach was beautiful, even though the colors of Fall had faded. We enjoyed walking along the beach, eating out, shopping and of course spending all that time just together.
Though Lorrie and I talk every day and write emails, there is nothing like just being with her.
I can't wait to move back there after I receive my degree. I don't know how I will be able to stand seeing her so much, LOL. Long distance relationships can be very hard. I know it is for us, but the truth is, everyday I find that my love for Lorrie only increases, and like the quote below has only burned hotter and brighter with every passing day.
‘Absence diminishes small loves and increases great ones, as the wind blows out the candle and blows up the bonfire.’ (Francois de la Rouchefoucauld).
Baby, you do light my fire!

Friday, October 31, 2008

Happy Halloween and Nevada Day!

Have been busy this week, it is mid-terms, and very exciting elections, the Phillies in the World Series!!! YEAH PHILLIES!!! And next week I will be spending some time in Pennsylvania with My Love! Any more, I feel like that is home, and I am only going to school and working here in Nevada.
Lorrie and I knew we wanted this blog to be a forum for women like us, who for what ever reason could not either admit to themselves, and/or anyone else that they are lesbians. We just don't know how it will develop. Time will tell. We know that this process can be painful and difficult. Especially if you have been married and have children.
I know I am very excited about our future, and that all the things that we have to go through are so very worth it.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008


Tonight I pulled out my old journal from college. I started it in October of 1980, and it goes on and off until December of 1984. I am struck by how many times I wrote of feeling different, of not quite fitting in and not knowing why.

My long term goals were outlined, I wanted to be an actor or a journalist. I wanted to make a mark in the world, I even knew and wrote that I had to stop caring so much about what other people thought, especially my father.

Over and over I write of a longing, a deep unknown longing that cannot be filled. At one point I became very, very religious. I don't mean spiritual, I mean get in your face, you sinner, religious. While I have never stopped believing in God, I finally realized He wanted no more of that kind of worship, than people wanted to hear my fire and brimstone lectures.

Again and again I write of confusion, unhappiness and longing.
I wrote lots of poetry, mostly like this one:

I hear a bird call out in the evening.
It cries, endlessly calling it's mate.
Yet rarely do I hear a reply.
Gently I weep, though, not for the bird
But because my own song goes unheard.
And my cries softly die in the cool evening breeze,
unheard, unanswered and almost unspoken.

I never became an actor or a journalist. I make more plans and goals, I drift, I drink, I do drugs and I long. For what? Anything, someone, anything but I didn't know what or how to express it. I marry, I decide to join the Jones'. What is glaring to me now is how much I didn't write of those days. Not even in my private journal will I confess I have a huge crush on my roommate Cori. But I sure wrote how excited I was when we got an apartment together. How much fun it was to decorate it together, to cook for each other, to party together. I didn't write of the pain when she moved in with her boyfriend a year and a half later, only that I needed to get another roommate to help with expenses.

The journal ended December 7, 1982 (really!) LOL, significant? The last entry: I am just a pretender in the world of intellectuality. That wasn't all I was pretending.

Had I kept a journal for the next 24 years, it would have read much the same, I would have noted my marriage, my questioning it 2 months later, was I was crazy? and what did I do? I'd have written of the absolute joy at the birth of my first son, again of my second. The years after that would have been about them, what we did together and how much I love them.

In 2004 I'd have begun writing about my feelings of loving women, to love a woman, to be honest finally. I'd have written of my first experience with a woman and how I knew, I really knew I was a lesbian (oh but maybe, just maybe bi) and there was no going back. I started to like myself and accept myself and I stopped believing the lies people tell you to keep you down.

There would have been an entry for September 18, 2006

I think I have just fallen completely in love for the first time in my life, she lives 2500 miles away! Oh God what do I do now?

That one was easy, because loving Lorrie is the easiest thing I have ever done, and feeling her love and loving loving her is all there ever needs to be.

True love is eternal, infinite, and always like itself. It is equal and pure, without violent demonstrations; it is seen with white hairs and is always young in the heart.
-Honore de Balzac

Monday, October 13, 2008

Fountain of Youth

Ponce de Leon searched for the Fountain of Youth, and he found his version of it. Well I have to tell you, I found a much better and truer version of the fountain of is called True Love!
The kind of love that makes you feel alive for the first time ever. It makes you want to experience so many things with your Lover, not just sexual things, but everyday things that you just want to share with her! It makes you feel like a teenager all over again!!!! Yes, a teenager..and what a wonderful feeling...especially after 42 years of feeling like something was missing..a big piece of me was missing!
I met Rebecca over two years ago and our relationship has been an absolute eye opener for me...wonderfully so! I feel energized, alive, awake, passionate, youthful....oh...and Sexy!!! Yes...I feel Sexy for the first time ever!!! So watch out world...this, now 45 year old woman has found her Fountain of Youth!!! And..I plan on feeling like a teenager forever...with Rebecca!!!


Sunday, October 12, 2008

No More Fear and Lies

As yesterday was National Coming Out Day, and the premier of this blog, I have to confess something, I am only "sort of" out of the closet. I came out to my ex-husband, he outed me to my teenage sons, who didn't say anything to me about it, until I came out to them a few months later. They said they already knew "cause Dad told us".
My oldest took it pretty well, but he has several gay friends. My youngest didn't understand how I could have lied to myself for so long, but in the last two years, he seems to have finally come to grips with that. I too have come to grips with it.
I have since come out to two of my three sisters, my mother (who just prefers to ignore it), all of my friends, my two immediate supervisors, who wanted to know why I fly to Philadelphia all the time, LOL, and some of my co-workers. I have not come out to my brother, who is an evangelical Christian and I don't see much of him anyway, we live about 1000 miles apart. For the past 10 years, we only talk on holidays. He has never asked even if I am dating someone, so I just don't tell. I haven't come out to my father either. He has very strong ideas about things. Maybe I better leave it at that. If he ever asks about my social life, I will not lie though.
When I was young, homosexuality was still considered a mental disease, a crime in many states and my 2nd cousin had jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge in the early 70's mainly because our family could not accept him. In my mind, I couldn't be gay because I wasn't crazy and I came from a family where it seem to matter more what the neighbors thought than what we did. All the things I believed about myself and life were really just fear and lies.
Those lies kept me from even acting on my deep crushes, caused me to stay married to an alcoholic for 18 years and kept the best parts of me frozen as well. I have realized that by holding in check the feelings I had for women, I stunted all my other feelings as well.
One of the many amazing things to happen to me over the past two years is a discovery the I am passionate! About love, about living, about wanting to help others, about music and really about everything! Especially about Lorrie, the love and passion there is indescribable and boundless.
Romantic movies now make sense to me. I love music now! I have always loved art, but now it moves me like never before. I cry now too. And it is GOOD! I feel more a WOMAN now too! I have become much less "tom boy" as I have grown to accept myself.
I have tried not to have any regrets about my life, I do wish I had been stronger when I was younger and not so afraid to be honest about myself. I only know that the next 40+ years looks very wonderful to me!

Saturday, October 11, 2008

A Love Poem...

Nothing can describe, the way I feel for you
Your love is warm and precious
Your heart so pure and true
Heavens angels brought
To knock upon your door (or email to your inbox)
To give you all my love
To keep you wanting more
The special bond we share, will guide us on our way
To a perfect life were dreams come true
What more can I really say
We were brought together, never will we part
Your my special gift
Your my shining star
I'll love you unconditionally
With all my heart and soul
I'll never break your spirit
I'll always keep you whole
~by Susanta Bandha~

Can you imagine being married for 19 years and never feeling comfortable saying these words to your husband? I can! But then something wonderful happened to me...after the age of 40, I decided to explore those long suppressed feelings and desires I had for women...and amazingly I met her...the woman I can say those words to and not only feel comfortable saying them but relish the feeling that runs through my heart as I say them!!

In the past two years since meeting My Love, my body and soul have been awakened, that missing puzzle piece has been found!!

We are sure there are more stories like ours out there! We would love to hear them!
Posted By LORRIE

Truth, finally

It is so wonderful to be loved as much as I love, that was something I used to believe I would never know……
Almost 4 years ago, I realized I needed to find out who I really was and why I never felt "normal" or "whole" as a human being or as a woman. I had been married for 16 years, had two children and had tried to do all the things that, as a child I was told, would make me happy. I found myself instead, profoundly unhappy.
It wasn't any one thing I could put my finger on, my marriage was not going well, true, but I knew that wasn't what was causing such deep despair. It was the feeling I had that somehow, I wasn't "right" at all. I am a spiritual person and the more I prayed the more the feelings of not being right increased. No, the feeling that increased was that I was living a lie.
It wasn't until I watched a movie called "When Night Is Falling" that I started to realize that what I thought was something to be denied in myself, was really who I was. I suddenly understood what lie I had been living most of my life. I was attracted to women. The feelings I had so long dismissed as aberrations were real. Once I admitted this to myself, I could for the first time, believe Psalm 139 "for you formed my inward parts: you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made"
Living THE LIE was wrong, how I was made, was not!

I knew I couldn't stay married to my husband any longer. He would not have allowed an open marriage, even if I only saw other women. I only told him I wanted a divorce, not the reason why He agreed and I filed a week later. Living in Nevada, the divorce decree came 6 days later, LOL. Several months later I came out to him and he was not surprised! He said he had suspected it for many years.
I didn't know it then, but I had just taken the truest step in my adult life.
Two months later I would meet the woman who I knew was my soul mate from the moment I laid eyes on her! We have now been seeing each other for two years, and everyday of those two years our love has only deepened, and loving each other is the easiest thing in the world....
She sent me this two months ago:

When you meet your soul mate, this person will have an instantaneous effect on you.
soul mate is someone who makes your knees go weak and takes your breath away.
With but a single glance they lessen your burden, and but a smile, touch your heart.
You will feel a sense of total connection with this person.
They will touch you so deeply on so many levels that you will want to share you innermost secrets. For the first time in your life someone will make you feel almost like a goddess.
Once you have met your
soul mate, for better or sometimes worse, your life will never be the same...
One of the things which makes this encounter so unique is the sense of a profound spiritual experience. You both feel like this is meant to be and that you've been together before in a past incarnation.
When you meet your
soul mate something happens — the deep yearning, the compelling energy drawing you to become physically intimate overwhelms many...
Nothing will have ever felt so right...There's a sense of safety with this person.
You knowingly let go of your defenses as a deep empathic bond is formed.
Unlike any other relationships you may have had, there will be no game playing or hidden agendas, only truth...
There is something about the passion you share with a
soul mate that goes so far beyond just the physical body. For a moment in time you two are the only ones who exist in the universe.
Hearts beating in rhythm as your souls have intertwined themselves becoming one.
Your spiritual energies meld and you feel the flame of creation move through you like a wave of the ocean on a hot summer's day.
Soon you begin to lose track of where you begin and your partner ends...
From within the depths of your exquisitely passionate union, your
soul mate will know exactly how and where to touch you. It will be different, more intense, and more gratifying than any lover from your past... And more electrifying than anything you have ever imagined...
They will look into your eyes and you will feel your
soul open wide. For some people, there is the "rush". All the love, all the lust, and all the need will surge forth from your soul like captives from a cage.
At this moment you will know what it means to get lost within someone's eyes.
You will experience a realization you have never felt before and your desire and passion will rise to new levels.
But in the end, as you lay there, as the warm afterglow begins to fade, you will realize what just happened was not merely sex. Sex pales in comparison to what you have just experienced. .. To put it simply, your soul mate will be able to make love to you in ways no one else will ever be able to match...


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