Tuesday, March 31, 2009

How I Was Recruited.........

Heteronormative: A pervasive and institutionalized ideological system that naturalizes heterosexuality as universal; it must continually reproduce itself to maintain hegemony over other non-normative sexualities and ways of identity construction.

My Mother didn't warn me, but maybe because she was in on it. My father didn't either, I would hate to think it may have been a conspiracy. I just wish they had warned me, I wish anybody or somebody had warned me. I wish I had known I was being recruited into a heterosexual lifestyle.

Because I was a young child in the 60's, my recruitment first began while watching television. The propaganda they used was appealing. The agenda was hidden deep in our entertainment with names like Leave It To Beaver, Father Knows Best and I Love Lucy and even the Munsters. At 6, you don't know that watching these shows led you into believing that the only choice was to marry a man and have children.

The agenda was also layered deep within the books we read, from Dick and Jane, The Borrowers, Stuart Little and Little House on the Prairie. Always filled with happy Moms and Dads and children. Nothing wrong with that at all, but there was nothing in them about a girl like me. They told me that was the only way it was.

The nice thing with books as I got older, was that nobody cared what I read, just as long as I read, so sometimes I could pick up something like The Children's Hour, by Lillian Helman, The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde or Giovanni's Room by James Baldwin. I was moved by these books, something would stir in me, questions would form, almost asking if there wasn't maybe another way it was. Then my mom would take me to a movie like Goodbye Mr. Chips or we would stay in and watch Love American Style together and I would forget the thoughts and feelings I had while reading those books. I could see for myself that was the only way it was.

In church, any sermon on the family only included a husband, a wife and children. In those days, that was really the only way it was discussed. Never even a sermon about adopted children, or single mothers or fathers. Always, a husband, a wife and children. I knew that was the only way it was.

In my later teenage years, my dad, always rather astute, would ask me often about possible boyfriends. It always worried him when I would say I didn't have one. He would say, don't worry someday you will find a nice boy and settle down. It didn't seem to matter that I didn't want to find a nice boy and settle down, but by then even I repeated this lie.

When I moved out of my father's home and went to college, I started to experiment with the heterosexual lifestyle. I found out that if a boy took me out to dinner, I was expected to have sex with him. If I didn't he would pout all the way home and wouldn't call back for a second date. No one had informed me that in the heterosexual community, sex was worth was a 5.00 meal. Some of the boys even expected you to sleep with them without dinner first. They would drive to a secluded spot in the country and just expect to charm your panties off with one kiss. They told me that was the way it was.

While at first none of the boys proposed anything like marriage, a number of them requested anal sex, and all of them wished to engage in oral sex, or rather have me preform it on them. In college I finally got a couple of proposals of marriage. I had learned to play the game and put out, I wanted a second date damn it! I got some second and third dates. I never could bring myself to say yes. I guess I needed a romantic story to go with it first.

Well, as you know, I finally said yes. But it wasn't at all like the way it was supposed to be. It never could be, I found out that as programmed as I was, you can't really recruit somebody into something they don't already belong to........

Monday, March 30, 2009

Do What Feels Right

At my desk at work, I have a candy wrapper from a dark chocolate Dove bar hanging on my tack board. You know, one of the wrappers with a message inside. The message on this wrapper was “Do What Feels Right.”

Words to live by…from a candy wrapper!

My love for Rebecca feels right.
I feel right in her arms.
She feels so right in my arms.
Kissing her feels right.
My fingertips all over her body feel right.
Being together with Rebecca doing anything feels right.
Going to sleep with her at night and waking up with her in the morning, feels right.

Being the best Mom I can be for my kids, feels right.
Being here at night when they go to bed feels right.
Sitting on the sofa at night with my son and my dog lying beside me until they fall asleep, feels right.
Getting ready for work in the morning, while the kids get ready for school, feels right.

Someday, my two feels right worlds will combine and feel wonderfully right together!!

Live your life doing what feels right.
Discovering as a forty something, that I am in love with a woman….FEELS RIGHT!

Monday, March 23, 2009

I had to share this piece from D. Allan Kerr......

The other day, I read a post on Pam's House Blend, and they mentioned this article by D. Allen Kerr, someone who's bio bit looks like this: D. Allan Kerr is a struggling novelist and former newspaper reporter who now spends his days wrestling with lobsters.
Can I just say, they need to add "and a noble man" to that. I mean that in the truest sense of the word. I would hope my sons can someday look at the world the way he does.
He has graciously allowed me to reprint the article in full to use on Blogging for Truth. I hope you all take a few to read it. It takes just one candle to start pushing away the dark.

A Battle Hymn for Equality

By D. Allan Kerr

Published March 18, 2009
Reprinted in full (on Blogging For Truth) by the gracious permission of the author.

There’s a segment of our society which would suggest homosexuals are my enemy; this same segment tells homosexuals I do not believe in their cause. These are individuals who believe other people should be prevented from exercising the same rights they themselves enjoy – even if these other people pay their taxes, contribute to society, and obey the laws of the land.

A bill recently introduced into the Maine legislature would allow residents to marry someone of the same sex, presumably if they are both consenting adults. Now those supporting and opposing the measure are each marshalling their forces for battle in the months ahead – the battle for your heart, your mind and your vote. Both sides will claim to speak for the majority, but in the end you will most likely have the opportunity to speak for yourself.

I have nothing to gain from this proposal. I am euphorically heterosexual, married to a partner who is quite literally the woman of my dreams. We have three strong sons and a little girl with the twinkling face of an angel, who will celebrate her first birthday this very weekend...

you can read the full article on Blogging for Truth or Seacoastonline.

Friday, March 20, 2009

Random Oprah Article Thoughts.....straight girls going gay?

Lorrie sent me this link to an article in this months Oprah.com, "Why Women Are Leaving Men For Other Women." I have to admit, the article kinda pissed me off. Oh I know research is beginning to show that sexuality might be fluid, especially women's sexuality. And probably these studies show that a good percentage of women have a sexuality that is or can be fluid but not all women's. The studies have shown that men do not have the same level of fluidity in their sexuality. They pretty much seem to be straight or gay with a few that are bi-sexual.

Being a lesbian who was once married to a man, you probably are wondering why the article pissed me off. Well I did too, so I had to think about it a little. I think while a couple of the women said some things that led me to feel they always were lesbians but trying to be straight, the rest of these women were just having flings with lesbians. And I was also thinking about the stories lesbians tell of falling for straight women, and how much it hurt when they broke up and went back to men. The straight women were attracted to them for a bit, it was fun and exciting, they got something out of it that they wanted. And while it was going on they maybe even gave something of themselves. And then they went back to being straight. So, these were all amicable break-ups? No hearts were seriously broken? Were they all so sophisticated that everyone remains friends and the affair is only remembered fondly by everyone? Not according to the girls I have talked with who have gone through this. Just why do so many lesbians say, "never date a straight woman." Because real hearts get broken. Sometimes really bad.

The article says it is because "Sex and the City's Cynthia Nixon left a boyfriend after a decade and a half and started dating a woman (and talked openly about it). Actress Lindsay Lohan and DJ Samantha Ronson flaunted their relationship from New York to Dubai. Katy Perry's song "I Kissed a Girl" topped the charts. The L Word, Work Out, and Top Chef are featuring gay women on TV, and there's even talk of a lesbian reality show in the works. Certainly nothing is new about women having sex with women, but we've arrived at a moment in the popular culture when it all suddenly seems almost fashionable—or at least, acceptable."

I think I got pissed for two reasons. One, I am kinda old fashioned if you want to know the truth. Part of my belief system is that you don't ever play with peoples emotions. You don't play games. (Yes, I know, just what was I doing to my ex for 16 or so years?) BUT YA DON'T HAVE SEX WITH SOMEONE JUST BECAUSE IT IS FASHIONABLE FOR CRYING OUT LOUD. I mean if you are sincere and it doesn't work out that is one thing, but to have a relationship because you have "needs" or are curious? The article states; "Many of them say, for example, they are attracted to the person, and not the gender—moved by traits like kindness, intelligence, and humor, which could apply to a man or a woman. Most of all, they long for an emotional connection. And if that comes by way of a female instead of a male, the thrill may override whatever heterosexual orientation they had." But that thrill is going to fade over time. Then what, are you back to going ewwwweeeee? And then "bed death" and then you break up because one of you is really hetero and not really all that turned on by another woman, and she really needs some penis now? Kinda like the movie Kissing Jessica Stein. It was an OK movie, but again, I had the same feelings about the straight girl going gay for a while, then when it wasn't so exciting anymore she left her, all she really had just wanted was a friend all along, she even says this as she breaks up with her. You know, you can get a great emotional connection from your girlfriends and it doesn't have to become sexual, and hearts don't get broken that way either.

And then the second reason maybe I got pissed is because sometimes I wonder if I just needed an emotional connection that only another woman can give me? Did the article hit a nerve in me that I would rather not be exposed?

Hummmmmmmmm, no, sorry, big time lesbo here, LOL. But I used to wonder that while coming out and even for a while afterward. And the article did bring up that question again momentarily. But I really go ewwwww now when I think of the times I did have sex with my ex, or any other man, and not because they were bad lovers either. And I don't even look at a man sexually anymore, I haven't for a long time. I first noticed that about a year and a half ago. I mean, I can see a good looking man, and think he's good looking, but I never think about him being kissable or beddable at all. Just writing that I went ewwwwww!

Really, the second reason and less important reason is because I feel it gives more stuff for the Anti Gay Industry to twist and say it is a choice and not the way we are created so our love isn't valid, therefore we should not be recognized as legitimately worthy of equal rights. I mean they are so predictable anymore, I know what they will say before they do! God, why are those groups so twisted?

Saturday, March 14, 2009


So Very Fucking God Damn Rational!

Rebecca and I were chatting the other night on gmail like we do so many nights before we go to bed. We were chatting about the first time we spent 5 days together and she had to drop me off to go back home. She admitted she wanted to kidnap me, lol. I admitted I wanted her too! But then I said she would have had to fly to PA and kidnap my kids too, lol.

And that is when she replied that we didn’t because we are fucking rational…sooooo fucking rational…sooooooo very god damn fucking rational!!!

And we are! Otherwise, why would she still be in Nevada and me still in PA!!! It has been 2 ½ years and we are still doing the long distance relationship..the good ole LDR…or maybe now it should be referred to as the SVFGDR LDR!!!!

Do we enjoy being so rational? NO!

Is it easy to be so rational? NO!!

If we enjoyed it or it was easy..there would be no SVFGD..in front of the R.

How many times a week do we remind ourselves that we need to be rational and why we need to be rational? Many, Many, MANY…some times more than once a day. Especially if we are having one of those days that our desires, needs and passion for one another is boiling in our blood and it feels like we are going to go crazy unless we can see each other, touch each other and just BE with each other!!

It’s funny, I sat down to write this post but before hand I was reading some other blogs. I ran across Clever Creative’s lucky post where she talks about missing her GF even if they are apart for a few hours. She wondered how we survive being separated by so many miles…now she knows..it is the SVFGDR personalities that we both have decided we absolutely must have for now. Because, YES…I miss Rebecca so much that I just ache for her everywhere…even after a few hours of being apart..and the ache does not lesson when the hours turn into days turn into weeks turn into months.

This is our decision…a so very fucking god damn rational Decision!!! We are doing this so that the life we are building together….for the rest of our lives.. is a better one filled with fewer regrets and the knowing that we did what we thought was right for our kids. The time is also giving Rebecca a chance to go back to school and get a degree for a job that she will enjoy. The time is also giving me time to get closer to ending my marriage on hopefully good terms with my H. The time has given my H time to come to terms with my love for Rebecca and the time has allowed him to move on and date others.

I just got interrupted by my daughter…she wanted to share her discussion with her friend with me and then demonstrate a dance they were doing together…we were both laughing. I am so glad she enjoys sharing her experiences with me….again, this is why Rebecca and I are SVFGDR!!!

So even though the distance really really sucks!!! There is a reason for the rationality and in our minds actually a necessity to the rationality!

But you know what? I really hope the next 1 ½ - 2 years..whatever it turns out to be…goes by so very fucking god damn fast because we are both really really tired of being SVFGDR!!!!

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Blogging For Truth

Please see the Blogging for Truth blog
We would like all our readers and friends to consider writing an article about the Truth in regards to LGBTQ lives, loves and realities. Truth and Love set up this site after reading about HRC's End The Lies Wall.
Here is the scoop:

"Beginning May 25 through the 31st, 2009 LGBTQ bloggers and all allies are invited to write articles about the truth of our existence and lives. To blog facts and the results of real scientific studies carried out by real scientists.
For over 30 years there have been organizations dedicated to spreading lies and false studies about our lives, our loves and our persons. These same organizations in the United States now seek to remove all rights and privileges afforded us as American Citizens, they ultimately seek to re-criminalize our love and our existence. In other parts of the world our brothers and sisters face prison, torture and even death for being "sexual deviants."
We believe it is time to shine the light on these false witnesses. It is time to end the hate.

Thank you for considering this! And please let your readers know about "Blogging for Truth"
Lorrie and Rebecca

Saturday, March 7, 2009

That Sappiness Factor........

My mind has been kind of one track lately, although I try to hide it. I guess maybe not hide it, but try to get distracted by things like school and work from it. That one track is Lorrie, all things Lorrie!!! Like I wish my day at work was over as soon as it starts because then we can talk on the phone. I can't wait to hear her voice everyday. Even if we have just a few minutes, my day is just not the same without that call. Or while I am studying, checking my email every 5 minutes to see if she has written anything, or writing an email every 10 minutes until I realize I am on the verge of being (or appearing to be) a stalker or something...........

I used to worry I was obsessed with her, and then when I realized I was, I learned to embrace the obsession and enjoy it instead of worrying about it. LOL. Since embracing it, I have learned to multi-task very well. I can take care of my teenage son, keep the apartment fairly clean, work, go to school, even get a small promotion and be an honor student, all while I am really only thinking about Lorrie. I wouldn't call it obsession anymore, I have learned this is part of what love is.

Lorrie is after all my first, last and only love. At 48, I feel like a teenager most of the time since falling in love with her. Even when we are apart. I get giggly and smiley at the merest thought of her no matter where I am. I want only the best for her, I only want her to be happy, I ache for her constantly, my body and my heart aches for her. Especially my heart. And I have become sappy about her and about life in general. I am really sappy when we are together.

I identify with characters in love stories and movies now. I cry at heartbreak and cheer when they get back together. I listen to music now. Lots of music. Mostly love songs. Not sad love songs, but romantic, sappy, mushy love songs. I have about 4000 love songs now. That is a lot of sappiness!!! I sing along with them because I am singing them to Lorrie. She may not hear me, but I am. It is probably best that she not hear me, but I sing them anyway. Niagara, by Sara Evans is my favorite. Lorrie emailed it to me after we had been together for about 3 months.

My favorite sappy things to think about are the little things that I envision us doing together when we finally are living together. Waking up with her every morning. Cooking her breakfast, fixing her tea and my coffee. Fixing dinner for us at night, or going out to eat because we are both tired from a long day at work. Kissing her before we go to work, kissing her when we get home. Being able to reach out and touch her hair when we are watching TV together. Going to catch a movie or a show some evening on the spur of the moment. Working out together. And going to bed with her every night. I get really sappy-weepy thinking about these things.

I want to thank Lorrie for telling me she loves me, sending me Niagara, and letting me love her and be sappy with her. I like being sappy now. I feel alive in it. I have learned that as a tree is dead without sap, so are humans.

Friday, March 6, 2009

Some reading:

In honor of International Women’s Day: March 8:

Where I work, I get to handle and see books sometimes a month or more before they are released. The security around here before the last Harry Potter book was available to the public was crazy…I have just run across a new book called Girls Against Girls: Why we are mean to each other and how we can change, by Bonnie Burton. It made me think of a post by Clever Creative that I read a while ago, it was just a joke she put up, but it, in turn made me think of the “Lobsters” episode of the L Word (the one where Max talks about male lobsters helping each other climb out of the pot, but the female lobsters pull each other back down trying to climb over them.):

Friendship among women: A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. Not one of them knew anything about it.
Friendship among men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a buddy's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.

Girls Against Girls is written for teenage girls, and if you are a parent of a teenage girl, I would buy this book for her, and if she does not read it, then read it to her every night before she falls asleep! Read it for yourself either way. Oh yes, it is that important.

Women’s equality is still a way’s off, just like LGBTQ rights, hell, just like Human Rights in general, we need to come together as people, and quit making life so damn hard for each other, it’s hard enough just being born.

Even when I was a girl, this girl against girl stuff was going on, but today, it doesn’t stop at school, it’s being tracked on My Space, texting, IMing, and even email - it is everywhere for some girls who are picked on and they can’t just escape from it anymore. The author gives several popular theories of why this happens, but ultimately it doesn’t matter why, only that we stop using our strengths against each other, and start using them to build ourselves and other women up.

The book is full of quotes from women in all fields of accomplishment:

We live in a culture right now that pits girls against each other. We are brought up socially to be in competition with each other – who has the best body, more boyfriends, better clothes. And this kind of competition can be devastating on female friendships because it emphasizes a mentality that there isn’t enough to go around. Enough love. Enough attention. Enough success. But there is. There is enough to share with your girlfriends. -- Jessica Weiner, author

Women and girls are taught that it’s not OK to be proud of themselves – that if they talk about what they do well, they will appear “stuck up.” So, instead of accentuating their positive traits, they accentuate other girls’ negative ones, scoring social points not with their own accomplishments, but by honing in on the faults of others. -- Kate Izquierdo, music editor, SF Bay Guardian

Don’t make space in your head for people who make you miserable. And if one of your friends turns out to be one of those people? You might not have space in your life anymore for them either! Give ‘em a chance for redemption, but don’t let anyone keep screwing you over or hurting you repeatedly. -- Isabel Samaras, painter

We have to look at each other as allies, not enemies, and rise above the media’s messaging to us that says we have to hate other girls and women. What we need in this world right now is more unity and less cattiness. -- Jessica Weiner, author

The last thing we need are more women with low self-esteem who feel alienated. We need to learn to empower each other even if it’s one girl at a time. The problem is far from new, and the solution isn’t a big mystery. We just need to face up to our individual roles in the process. -- Jessicka, vocalist, Jack Off Jill and Scarling.

Being yourself is the best revenge. -- Lynn Peril, author of Pink Think

We’re already a team; we just don’t all realize it. There are so many areas of life in which it is still a man’s world – sucks but it’s true! Girls can be this incredible web of support for each other, if we all just get into the mindset of holding out our hands to each other. How great it would be if all girls had each other’s backs? -- Isabel Samaras, painter

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Created in the image of God: Part III

Created in the image of God: Part II is HERE
Created in the image of God: Part I is HERE

During those times, I began to understand the first concepts that would bring me out of the lies and into the truth 9 years later. But it would take going all the way into the dark places first, before I could come to that truth.

What I still didn't understand was in my believing that I was somehow "wrong" and "sinful” and then suppressing those feelings; those beliefs became poisons eating away at my mental, spiritual and emotional health. I thought I was just shutting down my feelings for women, but really I was shutting down all my feelings. I became a complete emotional blank.

In those same years my marriage was finally beginning to show signs that all was not well in denial land. My ex started drinking a lot more, we fought constantly and it was just all around hell. My two boys were what really kept me going for a long time. I did leave him for 6 months in 1996, but agreed to reconciliation if he would quit drinking. He did, for about 5 months, but I had let him move back after 3 of those. I knew I was his enabler but a huge part of me didn't care. As long as he drank, I didn't have to worry very often about having sex with him. That is cold hearted, very, and I know it, I am not proud of it.

I went a very long time with out sex. I didn't really mind. I told myself I was frigid. I mostly believed that.

In 1999, my ex collapsed at a grocery store and was diagnosed with advanced vascular disease. At first the doctors and surgeons believed that he could be helped with surgery. They removed the affected arteries and replaced them with Gore-Tex tubing. After two years and about 20 surgeries later, he was declared permanently disabled. He was 44 years old.

When the first round of surgeries started, I worked part time and temporary jobs, not really wanting to work full time because I was always afraid he might have a heart attack or fall down when the kids were home with him alone. I no longer enjoyed being home, he was always there and he was always drunk. He could get around, walk, do things, he could have worked a part time, low stress job, but he didn't want to. I knew his self worth was very low, I tried to make him see that he still had a lot of life left in him, but he didn't see it that way. I couldn't take watching him kill himself slowly so I eventually had to go back to work full time, at a local golf club and after a year I accepted the position of Food and Beverage Director. That position kept me out of the house 10 to 16 hours a day (but at the same time was flexible) and it also kept my mind off of anything personal.

The boys and I during this time were very involved with the Cub Scouts and Boy Scouts. I was my younger one's Den Leader and I sat on the board of my eldest son's Troop. I would also bring them to work with me on the weekends, they would take golf lessons and we would have lunch together and then I would, if I could, make a short day of it and go home with them or movies or what ever.

I didn't have much time for talking to God during the first four or five years. Don't get me wrong, there was no anger or resentment towards God or even questioning why, I didn't feel anything at all really. I was tired, just too tired to talk or even think. I almost liked it that way.

During the slow season about four years ago, I caught a movie on IFC called When Night Is Falling. I had no idea what it was really about, but it was a little quirky at the beginning, a woman professor was engaged to another professor at a Christian University in Canada. Her dog died and she picked it up and put it in the freezer, LOL. OK I was hooked......I understood that she couldn't bear the loss of her dog, she loved the dog more than her fiance. (Lorrie can tell you I get the strange symbolism of movies, just a gift I guess.) As the story progresses, she ends up at a Cirque du Soliel type circus, with a beautiful trapeze artist. She keeps going back, fascinated with this woman, they become lovers and fall in love.......I shouldn't spoil the end if you haven't seen it. OMG I WAS THIS WOMAN. I knew the despair she felt, the inability to connect with her fiance, the endless loneliness, the conflict with her beliefs, everything. It was repeated several times that month, I tried to watch it each time I could, I think I managed 5 at least.

This movie cracked my ice, it didn't break it all the way down, but it sure did crack it. I let myself long for something more for the first time in many, many years. I was still stuck on the straight thing, kinda, I still couldn't admit, even to myself I was a lesbian, but I began to think maybe I was bisexual. Looking back, I don't know why I would find that more acceptable, but at that time, I did.

Something happened to me a month later. On Christmas Day actually. I got angry. I got angry with my life. I got angry at my ex, I got angry at God, I was really angry with myself. I didn't yell, I didn't say a word actually, but I was angry and I stayed that way for months. I woke up with the boys that morning for what else? Christmas Day. (Now, this isn't for pity that I say this, this is just how it was OK?) There was nothing for me. NOTHING, zilch, zip, zero. Not from my ex, not from the boys. I was not surprised because maybe only once every 5 years or so, would there be something from my ex. And it was the same with my birthday. I would give hints of what I might like, but I had learned over 16 years not to really expect it. I asked my ex once why and he always said he didn't know what to get me and he figured I would get myself something. LOL. He didn't get the hints now did he? I realized my sons didn't even know when my birthday was because it was never celebrated. I had gotten tired years ago of making or buying my own damn cake so I stopped.

See, that ice was really cracking now. Where before, I DID NOT FEEL WORTHY, I was beginning to. So, I made up my mind that I was going to start to feel something again, and it was not just going to be anger. I wanted a Christmas present really bad and I met him about a month later. Well, I was still mostly in denial, OK?

He was funny, he didn't drink, he was tall and healthy and charming. He works on an oil rig in Saudi Arabia, well, he did then, I don't know now, he was well traveled and educated and I found him fascinating. And he was the most open minded, non-judgmental about sex and life, person I had ever met up until that time. And I don't mean he liked really kinky stuff, he just had this attitude that sex was natural and not shameful and that it was unnatural to deny it. And he was easy to talk to. I had an affair. It was exciting and he made me remember all the hopes and dreams for my life that I had dropped along the way. The ambitions and passions too. I had no desire to marry him, or leave my ex at that time either. But he sure helped knock some more of that cracked ice off. He would work for 8 weeks and then have 4 off. I saw him for at least a few days every 8 weeks.

I found myself talking to him one day about my attraction to women. There was no shame in it, no embarrassment, no holding back, I just told him about it. He told me that my denying it was wrong and that I should explore it. He, laughed and said if I wanted him to join in he would be happy to, but he also said he didn't have to.

On my birthday that year I slept with a woman for the first time in my life. I knew I was at least bisexual, but even then I kinda knew I wasn't. It was everything anybody who had ever talked to me about sex said it was. It felt like it was the most natural thing in the world to me. It was only to be a one night stand. Months later I would find I was very glad it was.

Afterward, I thought I was having a nervous breakdown. I didn't know I was actually coming out of the one that I'd had for years. I couldn't stop shaking, I felt elated and then depressed, I would giggle all afternoon and cry all night. I knew I couldn't stay married any longer. I knew I couldn't continue to live a lie, nope, not one more day. I told my ex I wanted a divorce but not the total reason why. He was shocked a little, but finally agreed. The boys at first wished to remain with their father and help him out. I moved out a month after the divorce was final.

Looking back, I truly believe the next two months were destined to happen. You see, I didn't know how to meet lesbians. LOL. I didn't know what I was looking for in another woman. I didn't know if I just didn't want some real alone time. I signed up on Friendfinders.com, and put my profile up, listed my likes and dislikes, what I was looking for sort of and set my filters for within 25 miles, etc., etc., etc. I received many emails from men. I dated a few, all of them were very nice, but just like 20 years ago, there was no real click going on. I got a few from women too, most wanted a threesome with their boyfriends or husbands, not a friendship or "more", lol. I emailed some without boyfriends back, I didn't hear from most of them again.

One day, I was checking out my profile and mail and I noticed I had some emails in the "filtered" file. I opened it, they were all from too far away. I went to delete them. One caught my eye, it was her "handle." I am not going to reveal more than it had the word suburb, but it intrigued me because until recently, I had thought of myself as sort of "suburban." I opened the email and read a very thoughtful note about someone coming to Reno for a business trip and wanting to meet someone while she was here. I first thought I would write and say sorry, you live to far away. Then I thought, "Oh just delete it." And then I answered her back saying maybe I was interested in meeting her, could we maybe exchange a few emails? The odds of this being my Soul Mate still boggles my mind. I do see destiny and divine intervention written all over it now. The rest is absolutely wonderful history. And I think a whole different story.

I hadn't exactly begun talk to God yet, but I did start to listen. He asked me if I was going to continue to believe lies, or would I start to believe the truth?

He started one by one to show me all the lies I had been believing and living my whole life and then He began to show me the truth.

The biggest lie I had believed was that to be a lesbian meant I was evil and an abomination. I had come to a point were I even tried to explain my attraction to women as being a temptation by God to test my faith. That still small voice asked me: "Tempted for 40 years? Jesus was only tempted for 40 days!" God does not allow us to be tempted beyond out limit to resist and is it our faith he tests? Our redemption is not really based on OUR faith, but the faithfulness of God to keep His promise that all who call upon the name of the Lord are redeemed. What glory is there for God if it is my work that saves myself? Who's work is it that I believe, Jesus tells His Apostles that "It is the work of God, that you believe"

And when did children get tested for their faith? Jesus was 30 when He was "tempted" I did not know how to speak of it as a child of 6 and 7, but it was women I wanted to grow up and marry, society just didn't give me a choice. When I said I loved Mrs. Byrd, or Beth, no one put anything into that statement coming from a 6 year old in the 1960's. Of course I loved my teacher and a friend, why would they correct me at that time?

And why would I be tested when that very test, that temptation was ultimately what held me back from the person I was created to be? Had I not passed the "test" over and over and over and over again? Does not God want each of us to reach our potential as a full and complete human being? But I was so full of self loathing. Self loathing is not from God. We are created in His image, who do we hate if we hate our self image?

To save space, I am going to provide several links that discuss what I learned on the real sins of Sodom: Sin and the Sodomites; What Was The Sin Of Sodom?; and Whosoever: Sodom & Gomorrah

What of the thousands of passages that show us what God considers sin and evil? Anymore we hear little of these. Here are but a few:
Jeremiah 23.14 "I have seen also in the prophets of Jerusalem a horrible thing: they commit adultery, and walk in lies: they strengthen also the hands of evildoers, that none doth return from his wickedness: they are all of them unto me as Sodom, and the inhabitants thereof as Gomorrah."

Proverbs 6: 16 - 19:
These six things doth the LORD hate:
yea, seven are an abomination unto him:
A proud look, a lying tongue,
and hands that shed innocent blood,
An heart that devises wicked imaginations,
feet that be swift in running to mischief,
A false witness that speaks lies,
and he that sows discord among brethren.

Proverbs 19:5 A false witness will not go unpunished, and he who breathes out lies will not escape.

Exodus 20:16 “You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.

False witness is slander. Slander is malicious lies told to harm another person.

And what of the "gender variant" persons of faith in the Bible and of ancient times? I am speaking of eunuchs. We think of a eunuch only as a "castrated male". But in ancient times there were two kinds of eunuch: natural eunuchs and "mutilated" eunuchs. A natural eunuch was a gay male, a mutilated eunuch had, usually by disease or accident had damage done to his testicles or penis and was unable to procreate on his own. There were also men who had themselves castrated or were castrated to serve in government appointed posts open only to eunuchs. They were considered more trustworthy around money, less greedy and less likely to take bribes since they would have no children and thus no need for a family fortune. There were also men who were castrated in order to serve God more fully without the distractions of a sex life.

Where do I get this information from? There are several sources, Pliny the Elder was a Jewish historian and in his histories, he assigned eunuchs and hermaphrodites to the "third gender called half-male," Josephus, very often quoted by modern Christians as the historical authority of the time of Jesus, states in Jewish Antiquities IV 8,40, speaking of natural eunuchs indicated that in the case of some, since "it is evident that their soul has become effeminate, they have transfused that effeminacy to their body also." And from Jesus: "For there are eunuchs who were born that way from their mother's womb; and there are eunuchs who were made eunuchs by men; and there are also eunuchs who made themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. He who is able to accept this, let him accept it." (Matt 19: 8-12) Jesus was speaking to His fellow Jews at this time, Eunuchs in the Old Testament were prohibited from serving in the Temple and many other duties.
And in Acts 8:27-39 Phillip is sent by the Lord to convert a eunuch from Ethiopia. I notice he was not told to stop being a eunuch.

In ancient Roman Law it is laid out by the Roman jurist Ulpian in a document known as Lex Julia et Papia, Book 1 (Digest 50.16.128), that "Eunuch is a general designation: the term includes those who are eunuchs by nature, as well as those who are mutilated. In stature he places the natural eunuchs first. " The mutilated Eunuch was designated as one diseased and the natural Eunuch was designated as one not diseased.
The law (D 28.2.6) says that someone who cannot easily procreate is nonetheless entitled to institute a posthumous heir, but it gives no concrete examples of such a man. In the same context, it states that the "eunuch" holds this right as well, while "castrated men" expressly do not. Ulpian makes a distinction between the non castrated Eunuch and the castrated Eunuch.
Whole eunuchs who were freemen, unlike mutilated eunuchs, were eligible for marriage and for adopting children (D, 28.2.6). In fact, anatomically whole eunuchs had all the rights and duties of ordinary men.

There is no word in the Old Testament, either good or bad, about lesbians. I won't read into Ruth and Naomi more than is there. Only Paul has something to say about women and sex in the New Testament: "For this reason, God delivered them to degrading passions as their females exchanged their natural sexual function for one that is unnatural."

That is it. Look at what is being said. He is speaking of degrading passions and exchanging their "natural" function for one that is "unnatural." In the whole context of this chapter, he is talking about idolatry, greed and corruption. You can read into it that it is about lesbians if you wish, you can also read into that they had sex with multiple partners and participated in orgies, or you can read into it that they had anal sex with their partners and you can even read into that they did not wish to have children since that was considered at the time the sole purpose of a female having sex. You may think I am being snide here but I am not, to me, trying to be heterosexual was very unnatural. And my relationship with Lorrie is anything but degrading, it is the complete opposite actually.

And perhaps the newest truth I am learning is that our lesbian natures, are truly gifts from God.

Psychologist Mark Friedman, from a series of tests administered to both gays and lesbians, found that the homosexuals he tested were superior to their heterosexual counterparts in such psychological qualities as autonomy, spontaneity, orientation toward the present, and increased sensitivity to the value of the person. (Psychology Today, Vol. 8, No. 10 (March 1973), 27-33)

While gays and lesbians make up probably 4%–6% of the population, a study of the biographies of 1004 eminent people found 11% of them to be homosexual or bisexual, with certain categories higher: 24% of poets, 21% of fiction writers, and 15% of artists and musicians. (Myers, David, Sexual Orientation and Science” in LeDayne McLeese Polanski and Millard Eiland, Eds., Rightly Dividing the Word of Truth, The Alliance of Baptists and Baptist Peace Fellowship of North America, 172)

I personally believe we exist as a bridge between the male and the female, the bringing together of the sexes. And I believe because God is truly neither male, nor female we can express His whole nature made up of many facets. I have used the terms He, His and Him, but they are meant to be universal and unisex.

I am awed by the universe and its Creator, I am awed by its diversity and its magnificence and most of all I am grateful and awestruck to be a part of it. I am filled with joy that I have been given a true partner in my life to share it with, to love and be loved. Isn't that really what we were all created for? At last, I know I am wonderfully and fearfully made.

Created in the image of God: Part II

Created in the image of God: Part I is HERE

Well, I didn't refuse, I really liked him a lot and loved him as a friend. But about two months before the wedding I started having real doubts, the thoughts that maybe I was a lesbian were getting rather loud in my ears. But I shrugged it off to "cold feet", and besides I had laid out a good chunk of money towards the wedding, the invitations had been sent and my Dad was so happy and proud and had also spent quite a lot himself. I liked that I was making my Dad proud.

I got married at the chapel in Yosemite on December 4, 1988.

I knew two months after we were married I had made a huge mistake. But I didn't believe in divorce except for physical abuse and he was not physically abusive. I decided I would make the best of it.
It helped that for the first year and a half my ex worked graveyard and I worked swing shift. At first it wasn't too bad, I just knew I didn't love him like I should and I had to fantasize about women in order to be intimate with him.

I did quite a good job of fantasizing and our first son was born almost two years after we were married. I stayed home for about a year with him. I didn't want to leave him, I really wanted to be a good mother and dreaded the thought that someone else would see all of his "firsts." My ex liked the idea also as his mom had worked two jobs to support he and his brother.

When I stayed home that first year, I didn't know many people outside of work, my whole day was wrapped up in my son, taking care of the apartment and my ex. I was very lonely, and decided to go back to work.

I went back to work for about another year and a half until my second son was born. Day care was way too expensive for what I made so this time I just stayed home with them. Only I made an effort to meet other stay at home moms and do things with them and our children. I enjoyed it much more this time. It was nice having adults to talk to while the kids would play together.

When my youngest was about a year old, we bought a fixer upper on 7 acres outside of a little town called Silver Springs. It was great, I set out working on the yard, clearing sagebrush and doing little things to fix up the place inside. The town was about 5 miles away and we didn't have close neighbors, so I joined the church to meet people. Besides I felt it was time the boys started attending and getting that good old "ole time religion" instilled in them. I didn't really worry that my earlier experiences would be repeated. I was after all a married woman with two children. And I sure as hell wasn't going to talk to anyone about being attracted to women.

It was in this town and on the 7 acres that God began to show himself more fully to me, maybe because it was so quiet out there, not very many distractions and I had lots of time to read the Bible and other books when the boys were napping. My ex was working a lot of hours, he would come home, eat some dinner, drink and then go to bed. Since I had made friends from the Church, we formed an informal Bible study once a week. We would study on a topic, like love or faith and it was nice because we could talk freely about anything related to God in our lives, no one would say the other was wrong or right but we would offer our own opinions and debate ideas, certainly we would all have things to think about until the following week.

I have not been a "literal" believer in the Bible since the exorcism and subsequent studies on my own. I felt that God showed me that believing the Bible is inerrant can be a form of idolatry. I came to realize that sometimes people can worship the Bible itself, and not the God who inspired it. Jesus often said when referencing what we call the Old Testament, but he would have called the Torah or Septuagint, "you have heard it said.....but I say unto you......" And spoke of the Spirit of these and not the "letter of the law." Jesus was not much into literally interpreting passages either. It was through these informal studies that I really began to understand this concept. I do believe it is largely inspired and that from it we can begin to understand the nature of God and of ourselves.

I also began to study more about the historical context of some of the more bothersome passages. Like slavery, polygamy, genocide and capital crimes for seemingly minor offenses and yet rape was punished by forcing the rapist to marry his victim. There really isn't a good way to put historical context in these things. Slavery has always been wrong, it was wrong then. The fact that it would be outlined and have laws and rules for owning slaves in the Bible is because simply these things existed. Women were considered property, so once raped she was damaged goods to her family trying to marry her off, the rapist had to marry her to provide her father with the lost dowry.

There are voices in the Bible, voices speaking out against these things and more. These voices were the Prophets. What do we think Isaiah was talking about when he says in chapter 1 verses 16 and 17: Wash you, make you clean, put away the evil of your doings from before Mine eyes, cease to do evil; Learn to do well; seek justice, relieve the oppressed, judge the fatherless, plead for the widow. And in 21 - 23: How is the faithful city become a harlot! She that was full of justice, righteousness lodged in her, but now murderers. Thy silver is become dross, thy wine mixed with water. Thy princes are rebellious, and companions of thieves; every one loveth bribes, and followeth after rewards; they judge not the fatherless, neither doth the cause of the widow come unto them.

I began to see that women and children have always been important to God, as is justice, fairness and truthfulness. Who would be the oppressed? Why the slaves! As well as the poor, women and those who were treated unfairly or discriminated against. Even 3000 years ago there were voices speaking for those with out voice, with out rights and with out justice.
God it seems is indeed unchangeable. It is only some of humanity that has changed.

Part III to follow.........

Created in the image of God: Part I

I have wanted to blog about how I came to reconcile being gay with being a Christian for a while. I didn't realize when I came out, that I would be expected to reject being a Christian. I did, for many years, believe that I had to reject being gay because I am a Christian because my pastors and youth leaders and "The Bible" told me that being gay is a sin. A sin worthy of death and eternal damnation. Or so I thought. So many people believe.

I am going to give you a story I haven't told anyone in 30 years, not even Lorrie. Not the story of coming out, but my story of how much I denied my lesbianism in the name of "christianity."
When I was in high school I belonged to a youth group at our local Presbyterian Church. The leaders were a young couple very much excited in the Lord. My friends all belonged and we had a lot of fun there. What I didn't understand until many years later is that they were what is known as a Five Fold Ministry. (I don't have the space to explain this so click on the link if you don't know what that is.)

One important point about the Five Fold Ministry is that a lot of what they believe in is what I call "touching the supernatural." One of the things that many of them still believe in is exorcists and exorcism. They believe that most of our ills are caused by the devil and his demons and their are people in the church endowed with the "gift" of exorcism. OK, so now you know already where I am going with this one don't cha......

I opened up to the youth counselors about feeling not normal, my attraction towards women, even after I was saved and baptized and received the Holy Spirit. They decided we had to take a weekend trip up to see one of these "gifted exorcists" because the only way I could still have these feelings after I was saved was because I was possessed.

HEY, stop laughing you guys, I really didn't want to be "gay," I didn't want to be a "sexual pervert," gays got put in loony bins and received shock treatment for crying out loud!!! I am and always have been fairly rational, intelligent and sane, sane sane. But everything I thought I knew about homosexuality told me if I was, then I was insane.

So, I got exorcised of my demon of homosexuality, along with a few other really scary ones. It seems I was really badly possessed. Oh, the demon of homosexuality is simply called Sodomy, in case you were wondering......

So, after this weekend at the exorcist's house, and lots of praying and crying and really only having Jesus scared out of me, I quit going to the youth group and church. I didn't stop believing in God, but I realized humans were unbelievable.

And I still was attracted to women.

I continued to talk to God, to read my Bible, only I used Strong's Concordance while I did so I could look up the words in the original Hebrew and Greek. I learned a lot about what we think the Bible says, isn't quite how it was written in it's original language. Part of it has to do with the "concept" behind the words. Words have meanings that take many more words to explain them to someone who does not speak the language. Like exorcism. It is one word, but it has a concept behind it that takes pages to explain. When we know what the word means, we no longer need to take pages to explain it.

Take the word "witness," in the original Greek it isn't about trying to convince someone with words, it is about living your life so that when people see how happy and fulfilled it is, they want to become like you.

My witness sucked. I didn't even want to be like me. I was in college, drinking and smoking lots of pot to feel better, trying desperately to find a man who could make me feel like the people in the sappy movies felt. I thought there was something wrong with the guys I dated (but it was probably me). Or at least they just weren't "the one." The longest I ever went out with anyone before I married my husband was 6 months. Why waste their time or mine if they weren't the one? I continued to have crushes on women, but you know, don't we all, you just don't act on them, right?

I quit smoking pot, didn't drink so much and moved to Yosemite National Park to work for a summer. I stayed 5 years. I talked a lot to God in Yosemite. It is a good place to do that. It is awe inspiring and serene. Mostly I think I whined to God. Why wasn't I normal like other people. (other women) Why couldn't I be happy with some guy and having a family. How come I still got crushes on women? What a one track mind I had then.

God did too, every time I whined, Psalm 139 would go through my head:

O Lord, you have searched me and known me. You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from far away. You search out my path and my lying down, and are acquainted with all my ways. Even before a word is on my tongue, O Lord, you know it completely. You hem me in, behind and before, and lay your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is so high that I cannot attain it.

Where can I go from your spirit? Or where can I flee from your presence? If I ascend to heaven, you are there; if I make my bed in Sheol, you are there. If I take the wings of the morning and settle at the farthest limits of the sea, even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me fast. If I say, ‘Surely the darkness shall cover me, and the light around me become night’, even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is as bright as the day, for darkness is as light to you.

For it was you who formed my inward parts; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; that I know very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes beheld my unformed substance. In your book were written all the days that were formed for me, when none of them as yet existed. How weighty to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! I try to count them—they are more than the sand; I come to the end—I am still with you.

O that you would kill the wicked, O God, and that the bloodthirsty would depart from me— those who speak of you maliciously, and lift themselves up against you for evil! Do I not hate those who hate you, O Lord? And do I not loathe those who rise up against you? I hate them with perfect hatred; I count them my enemies.

Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my thoughts. See if there is any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

I wasn't getting the message. I thought I was being told to just try harder to "pray away the gay." I wasn't listening because I didn't want to believe what was obvious. God wasn't asking me if he could search my heart, he already had, he was telling me that I needed to search my own heart and realize just how fearfully and wonderfully made I already was.

I worked very hard and many hours to fill up the void I felt inside. I got promoted a lot and actually had a pretty good time there. I made lots of friends and we would go backpacking together on our days off. They were all women. As much as I loved those trips, and looked forward to them, they were really, really frustrating.

I met my ex-husband in Yosemite. He was also working there, actually he worked for me as the cafeteria manager at Curry Village. He was funny and smart and good looking. We would stay up late after work and talk and watch old movies together. We would go out for coffee or to the Mountain Room Bar for cocktails. That was it. We didn't hold hands, or kiss or anything so I really enjoyed spending time with him.

He went golfing one day down in Wawona with a friend of ours, and on the way home took a back road. LOL. A back road in Yosemite is a fire road, they only get used if there is a forest fire and you aren't supposed to drive on them ever. On the back road the car hit a rock and had the oil plug knocked off, they blew the engine about 3 miles from the main road. They started walking and got lost as it was getting dark. They walked all night until they found a main road about 15 miles from the one they were headed for. They hitchhiked back to the park.

At 5:00 in the morning he knocked on my door and told me about it. He said all he could think of was getting back to me and that he was afraid he would never see me again if they died in the woods.

He asked me to marry him.

How could I refuse?
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