The Not Yet Ex's, The Ex's And The Kids, part IV

This series hopes to explore what our husbands and children go through when we decide to come out of the closet. Click here for Part I, Part II and Part III

All of our experiences in coming out have things in common as well as many differences, just as we have a before and after, our children also have a before and after. When we changed our lives, the lives of those closest to us were also changed forever.

As each child is different and in a different place, I think it might be best to listen to the voices of the kids themselves in this:

The first comments are by Abigail Garner, author of: Families Like Mine: Children of Gay Parents Tell It Like It Is. The following is her answer to "Isn’t it confusing and complicated for a young child to have two moms or two dads?"

Only when people tell them it’s confusing and complicated.

When my nephew was five, he was talking on the phone with my father and said, “Grampa, you weren’t home yesterday when I called so I talked to Grampa.” For my nephew, it is completely normal and acceptable to have two grandpas in one house who love him dearly. It gets complicated when a teacher, a friend, or a friend’s parent says, “That’s impossible. You can’t have two grampas in the same house. Which one is REALLY your grampa?” This situation happens time and time again for very young people who are not confused by the love that comes from their family. Speaking from experience, the younger children are when they learn a family member is LGBT, the more accepting they are.

What I knew as a child and what I still know is that I was always wanted and always loved by the caring adults who raised me. I have never doubted that for a second. To a child, there is NOTHING complicated or confusing about having parents who love them.

The struggles that typically come from having a LGBT parent are not because the parent(s) are LGBT, but because the children hear messages everyday that remind them that plenty of people question the validity of their families. This is understandably wearing and frustrating, but it is not the result of parents being LGBT. It is the result of living in a homophobic society.

Most of the quotes below are from queerspawn.community:

Juliana, whose father came out in 2005, believes her family lived a lie for decades.

James, my own son, also became angry at the lie because he felt that he and Kevin were not born of love but simply as a cover for my own sexuality. Kevin just hated the divorce.

Ryan Enschede, 34, was an adult when his parents divorced and his father came out as gay. “I think growing up I missed a male heterosexual role model, and I think I missed the role models of parents in a good relationship,” he says. “I think my growing-up experience has contributed to my adult feeling of being an outsider in our American culture.” Still, Enschede enjoys the vibe of being around gay men and maintains optimism about the power of queerspawn to transform the world. “We’re a large enough group to have some clout,” he says. “Our mere existence as a visible active group could force social/political change within the gay world which supports gay families, as well as the Religious Right world which condemns it.”

Cassie - "My name is Cassie, and my mom came out when I was eight. That I knew of, at least...she was out for some time before then. My parents divorced at that time and my mom moved to Vermont with her partner, Bridgette, who is still her partner now. They've been together for almost 12 years now, and they are my real parents more than my step-mom and my dad ever were.

I myself am bisexual, but that has nothing to do with my parents influence. I have a younger brother who was only three when my parents split, and he basically has been completely raised by two women, and he is straight. I also have a younger sister, who is asexual. :P I am active in the gay rights community - I wrote an essay about it on Fictionpress, and I talked to the Vermont senator at the time before civil unions were legal about my family and why I did not think it was fair that they were not able to get rights.

I think we're like any other family - I just happen to have been raised by two women instead of a woman and a man."

Ryan - "As a child of divorce I know how heart-breaking it is for family, friends and the kids. I remember when my biological parents divorced - mom and dad - when I was about 9. My grandmother died and my dog was run over by a truck passing by. Can we say trauma. The divorce seemed to be the one thing that I could fix, there was hope.

What I didn't know was that there was much more going on under the surface. They had fallen out of love. And mom had moved on. Soon after Mom met Sue. Mom and Dad had been together just about 10 years, Mom and Sue have been together 22. Mom followed love not gender. The two need to be separated when we look at gay divorce. The big difference is that kids are protected in a legal marriage. What happens when our parents fall out of love and then the courts fall out of recognition of their relationship."

Chelsia Rice, who grew up in a lesbian-headed family gave the following speech at a marriage equality rally in Portland, Oregon on Valentine's Day 2005:

What wasn’t easy is how society dealt with my family and how same-sex families are still treated today. The opposition says that if same-sex marriages are legally recognized, “Schools will be forced to teach that the homosexual family is normal.” Well, if the schools would have even come close to recognizing my family’s existence in a classroom - it would’ve made my life a lot easier. But, because we had to remain closeted to remain safe, it took me 13-years to meet another kid with lesbian parents. And when she approached me at school and told me she had lesbian mothers too, we celebrated and we instantly became friends. But regardless of knowing someone else, I still had no one to help protect me from societies scorn; I still had to defend myself from a barrage of bullies.

And it wasn’t just my peers – who often made spectacles of me in classes by passing notes and spreading rumors - in grade school, the PTA gathered to warn other parents that my mother might teach them how to be lesbians resulting in a huge loss of childhood friends who were no longer allowed to hang out with me, spend the night at my house, or come to my birthday parties. And when Measure 9 was on the ballot in the early 90s, even some of my high school instructors posted YES on 9 signs in their classrooms and on their desks. I even had one teacher who made us listen to Rush Limbaugh during lab. Not to mention, our house was vandalized several time during that election year.

Did I feel resentment and anger toward my family and society? Absolutely. Would I change a thing? Never.

Resources for coming out to your children and resources FOR your children:

COLAGE on coming out to your children COLAGE is a national movement of children, youth, and adults with one or more lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and/or queer (LGBTQ) parents. We build community and work toward social justice through youth empowerment, leadership development, education, and advocacy.



About.com Lesbian Life, How To Come Out To Your Child


How It Feels to Have a Gay or Lesbian Parent: A Book by Kids for Kids of All Ages


And PFLAG, Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays

Would I have come out still, knowing what I know now? About how it might have affected the ex and the kids? Yes, absolutely. I know I could not have staying in the closet any longer, but I think it could have been handled a lot better if I had taken the time to find things out first. Or had even known where to begin to look for answers.

What everything comes down to is: the real damage seems to come from influences outside of our control. The beliefs of others, and their comments we and our children hear from peers, the media and other adults who have negative opinions about LGBT folk hurt us all on so many different levels.

The best we can do is to do the best we can everyday, and try to remember that in the end, love always defeats hate....

The Not Yet Ex's, The Ex's And The Kids, part III

This series hopes to explore what our husbands and children go through when we decide to come out of the closet. Part III will attempt to address some of the worst case scenarios in our coming out process and how we can prepare to protect ourselves.

These issues are especially hard to think and talk about, it is hard on so many levels. But like bridgeout from Building or Burning Bridges in the Community commented, we need to know to keep ourselves safe and strong. Knowing is power, if you know, you can prepare. Fear defeats more people than any other one thing in the world. - Emerson

If you are wanting to come out, and reading this, it is important to keep in mind what lies at the end of this journey: joy, light, authenticity and, most of all, the freedom to be known and loved for who you really are.

Click here for Part I and Part II

ALL human beings are capable of anything given the right or wrong set of circumstances.

What are the worst things that can, have and do happen when we come out to our spouses:
Marital rape
Physical violence
Verbal and mental abuse
Saying things about you to the children to turn them against you including attempts to take the children away by false accusations of child abuse and/or molestation

And murder.

You have an idea what type of man you are married to already. If he is already fair minded, he probably will, after a time, still be fair minded towards you, there is still a chance for abuse however, hope for the best but prepare yourself in advance for the worst.

Studies have shown spousal rape occurs in about 14% of all marriages in the United States. Women are at particularly high risk of experiencing physical and sexual violence when they attempt to leave their partners, as this represents a challenge to their abusers' control and sense of entitlement. Similarly, women who are separated or divorced from their partners also appear to be at high risk for sexual abuse for the sense of entitlement does not necessarily end when a couple ceases living together (DeKeseredy et al., 2005; Dobash & Dobash, 1992; Kurz, 1997).

If he is an authoritarian type, perhaps deeply religious with firm beliefs on how men and women should act, including that the wife must submit to her husband, there is a greater chance for him to cross the line to verbal, sexual and physical abuse even if he was not so before. Or if he has friends who make jokes about abusing women, he has a higher chance of becoming abusive himself when you attempt to leave him.

If he is like my ex, not a physical abuser but abusive in other ways, he will remain mentally or verbally abusive, but understand there is a greater chance of his type crossing the line to physical abuse than a non-abuser. Prepare in advance your resources and contacts

If he is already physically abusive: DO NOT COME OUT TO HIM. First of all, get yourself professional and police help and then get you and the kids the hell out of there. There are crisis centers, churches and women's support centers to aid you in nearly every town in America. Don't let shame keep you in a dangerous situation. [National Domestic Violence Hotline]

You will find your own self esteem growing as you become more honest with yourself, see the abuse for what it is, not your fault but entirely his.

You will NOT be able to reason with him, you WILL NOT be able to stay with him and you WILL more than likely be the recipient of violence like you have never seen before. An abuser WILL resort to spousal rape, if he hasn't already, when confronted with your lesbianism and will beat you severely and he may VERY LIKELY TRY TO KILL YOU. He may succeed.

His abusive personality is not something that is your fault, it is his own lack of self worth that causes it. You don't deserve it no matter what you do. And you are not going to be able to change him by staying with him. Not all insecure people are abusers, but all abusers are insecure people.

If you are not out yet, but are coming to the point where you must come out start taking care of yourself right now. For most of your married life you have developed a social system completely built in a straight community, and change can appear overwhelming and even impossible. Making the change from wife and mother in a straight community to lesbian life is not an easy task. It is a path fraught with loss, guilt, separation and fear. Because of this, depression is quite common among married lesbians.

Depression can lead to suicidal thoughts or action. If hurting yourself has ever even crossed your mind, seek immediate psychiatric attention. National Suicide Hotline: 1-800-SUICIDE 1-800-784-2433

Resources for victims of spousal abuse:
Don't forget you have local resources too! Find an affirming church in your area, they will know of even more resources. Your employer may offer an Employee Assistance Program, these services are of no cost to you and are confidential. Also, go to a library to use their computers so he can't see what you are looking up, call from pay phones, or talk to people in person to reduce the risk he will find out what you are doing.

National Domestic Violence Hotline 1800-799-7233 (SAFE)

Hotline Services Include:

• Crisis intervention, safety planning, information about domestic violence and referrals to local service providers
• A direct connection to domestic violence resources available in the caller’s area provided by a Hotline advocate
• Assistance in both English and Spanish with Hotline advocates having access to more than 170 different languages through interpreter services
• Assistance through e-mail on the contact page
• Informational materials on such topics as domestic violence, sexual assault, battering intervention and prevention programs, working through the criminal justice system and related issues
  

Stop Abuse For Everyone, includes GLBT specific resources and has contact information nationwide
Stop Abuse For Everyone
16869 SW 65th Ave #212
Lake Oswego, OR 97035-7865
U.S.A.
(503) 853-8686

National Online Resource Center on Violence Against Women

Gift From Within and GFW main page

Women are Dreamers Too Support and education for getting it all together after you are free

Support for overcoming depression:

Discovering Pride

I Am A Lesbian Married To A Man

Don't forget your local resources here either, there are coming out groups, therapists and affirming clergy and your workplace may offer confidential services that will assist you!

You should also be ready to contact a lawyer, just to speak with them, they all offer a free 30 minute session, don't be afraid to use this valuable resource. Ask them about divorce laws in your state, ask about child custody, how to protect yourself against false charges, etc., get a list going and if half an hour isn't enough time, then call another one to ask the rest of questions of.

Good luck, God bless and always remember what lies at the end of this journey: joy, light, authenticity and, most of all, the freedom to be known and loved for who you really are.

Continuing, our children......

The Not Yet Ex's, The Ex's And The Kids, part II

This series hopes to explore what our husbands and children go through when we decide to come out of the closet. We can't stop them from from being hurt, but maybe we can try to help them heal....
Click here for Part I

Now you have told him, he is probably angry, is certainly hurting, is afraid of others finding out and is completely confused about what to do next. We don't always know what to say or do ourselves. I can't say it was better that I divorced my husband before I came out, but I do believe it was easier on both of us in the end.

We were both still grieving our marriage ending, then after I came out to him, he still felt if he had been a better man I wouldn't be gay and I never would have divorced him and he even called me names in front of the boys. It didn't matter that he had suspected I was a lesbian all those years. Those feelings still surfaced. But he was forced to completely accept that there was no hope of me coming back. Because that was never an issue, he was able to move on rather quickly. He had already been dating another woman. He already knew there was a difference between being with her for a few months, and being with me for 18 years.

In some cases as soon as you tell him, he will file for divorce right away. He may not be willing to talk about it at all or is unable to deal with it and suddenly he moves out or asks that you do. You may have custody of the kids, or you both decide it is best that he does or you share custody. He may threaten to take custody and visitation away from you. Most, if any, courts WILL NOT take your children away from you solely because you are a lesbian. Or you both could decide it would be best if they stayed with their father. If this happens, most likely it will be a no fault divorce or irreconcilable differences clause. Same sex relationships are not seen as adultery by nearly all the courts in this country because most states require coitus for it to be even considered. You aren't going to have much time for talk if this is the case, it is best to hold on to your own ground and have someone to support you through it all. Try not to return his anger and bitterness with your own if there are kids or not. I guess the best thing is to be the bigger person.......

Usually he won't act so rashly, he will be angry, hurt and crushed, but won't want to cause more harm to the family. He is also going to hold on to the hope that it isn't true, it can't be true, after all you have been having sex with him for all these years. He naturally wants things to be how they were before you told him. He isn't going to want to tear the family apart anymore than you do. More than likely you married him because he IS a good man, try not to forget that, and let him know that you still know he is a good man.

If I am going to sound like a broken record, it would be to get him to at least look at the Straight Spouse Network. Support groups may not be his thing at all, but he can read other stories online and at least see he is not alone. They have wonderful advice for letting him come to terms with it, and even will give suggestions on knowing the best ways to handle it with the kids:

Process your own feelings as much as you need to, but please do not expose your children to these feelings. Your children deserve to process things in their own ways, rather than absorbing their dad’s/mom's process or feeling pressure to choose sides...

When children are “sheltered” (kept away) from the gay/lesbian parent, they internalize the message that the gay/lesbian parent was bad or evil, and build up a loyalty to the straight parent. Further down the line however, when the children mature and are able to form their own opinions, they often resent the straight parent for denying them a relationship with the gay/lesbian parent. Your children need to know that both their mother and father are committed to loving them unconditionally. In your case, part of that unconditional love is nurturing the relationship the children have with their mother or father.

There will come a time when he may enter into the phase of "Come back to him." Can't you just forget it and everything will go back to the way it was. We can work this out. You will get over it, please just come back. Let's see a marriage counselor together. I promise to be a better husband. He means these things. He really believes them and it is heart wrenching to hear. He is also going to continue to go through his grieving process, he will alternate between wanting you and hating you, he may be wonderfully understanding one day and ready to throw you out the next. His emotions are on a roller coaster right now and he can't always control them.

The best you can do is keep the lines of communication open, but also let him know name calling or screaming at you in front of the kids is unacceptable. Don't be afraid to let him know how hard it was for you to get to this point too, but that you do know it isn't all about you. Let him know you know how much it is hurting him and that it isn't his fault. Let him know you are willing to go to counseling with him if he wants to and make the appointments yourself. Suggest he read other straight spouses stories either from books or on the internet. If he is a religious man let him read sites like the "Letter To Louise" or "The Blue Book" or let him know about gay Christian sites like SisterFriends or the many other sites. He may not change his views, but it might get him thinking.

If you both agree to go to counseling together, find out before hand if they have real experience with this situation, and also make sure they are able to see both sides equally. It won't help him if they are all for you and just think he needs to get over it, end of story, he just won't go. If they believe your lesbianism can be cured, or it is all your fault, they give him false hope and hurt your self esteem no end. Don't be afraid to see several until it is a good fit. Your counselor needs to be able to help BOTH of you through this. Not just one of you. Your husband needs to come to a place of healing and understanding and he needs to see that you understand his point of view too.

You just may decide that you will give it a go and stay with him, or maybe you can wait until the kids are grown. Maybe now is when you start to discuss an open marriage. All of these choices are deeply, deeply personal. I think the best thing is to talk about all these things and their consequences, as honestly and openly as you can with your spouse.

Think about what it is going to do to your relationship now that he knows you don't love him the way a wife should. And if you decide to put off your feelings until after the kids are grown, can you really live with that? What are you willing to do for him to make sure is needs are met? What is he willing to do for you to make sure your needs are met? How will he react if you do end up having an affair? What if he decides to have an affair, how will you react?

If you decide to talk about an open marriage, can the two of you really handle it? How will you feel when he has a girlfriend? How will he feel about you being with your girlfriend? Will you two continue to have sexual relations? If you do how will there be a guarantee no STD's are exchanged? There are sites and books about open marriages, you might want to see what is required of one, and how others have dealt with it.

Even with counseling, talk and understanding, once the time comes that others find out, he is going to be bombarded with all kinds of advice, sympathy and hopefully even real support from his friends and family. And just like you, he will get to hear dumb things too:

Dumb things people will most likely say to your Ex or Not Yet Ex (they say them to us too) if and when they find out:

Are you sure? How do you know? When did you find out?
You’ve been married this long - think of the children. Can’t you just live together like brother and sister?
I know just the (counselor, clergy, doctor, best divorce lawyer in the state) who can fix this. You just leave it to me.
Hey you’re a lucky guy, that is SO hot. (wink, wink, elbow jab, elbow jab, and all the lewd comments that will go with this one.)
You’re not SERIOUSLY letting the children stay with her, are you?
You know she will burn in hell don't you?
Oh, we all knew (or suspected). What, you didn’t know? How could you miss this? Oh come on. You had to know.
You married a lesbian? What kind of man are you?

Just be aware that as he talks to his friends and family about this, he is hearing these things and they may reignite his anger, resentment and confusion.

Continuing.......

The Not Yet Ex's, The Ex's And The Kids

The thing about a lot of us that come out later in life, is that many of us are married and have children. The reasons we married are very diverse. I think we all really did, or do, love or are very fond of the men we married. Some of us also thought that we could make a real go of the marriage, that our attraction to other women was what every woman feels, you just don't act on it, or we knew exactly what it was and thought we could just learn to be straight, be good citizens and all that.

When it becomes unbearable to continue to live in the lie, and we decide to come out, it is often our husbands whom we tell first. It is scary as hell for us, but it is a full on body blow by an 18 wheeler to them. We know why we married and suppressed our feelings for other women, but our husbands rarely do. Many did not really suspect at all, most knew something was not right, but could not put their finger on it. Some, like my husband, suspected it for a long time, but hoped he was wrong, and some are completely clueless and are taken by complete, total surprise.

I know that when I divorced my husband, I hurt him a lot. And I know that because I didn't tell him upfront about being a lesbian, but told him months later, I hurt him all over again. I know that when he told the boys before I did, that it hurt them, some of what they felt was I couldn't trust them, that I was ashamed to tell them, and that I lied to them.

We may have believed it was wrong, unnatural or a sinful part of ourselves. Or some of us wanted kids, a husband and a family because that is how we believed it should be. Or we just didn't have the courage it takes to live a way that many feel is wrong, it goes against their beliefs so they just don't want to accept that it exists. Much of this was covered in How could I have stayed in the closet so long?

Whenever and however you do reach the point of coming out to him, your husband's self esteem is going to get clobbered. He is going to think he drove you to it, that if he was enough of a man, you wouldn't be a lesbian. His "libido" is going to shrink smaller than jumping into the Arctic Sea would make it. And it is going to take time for him to understand any of it.

After the initial shock, they may think you are joking, or they will be in denial. If you don't say you have a girlfriend, their first question will likely be have you slept with someone yet? If you haven't, they may be more likely to tell you it is a phase or fantasy and how can you be sure? A few will even find the idea exciting at first, a turn on, they may see this as a chance to live out a "threesome" fantasy. Most of them, once you convince them, are eventually going to be angry. Really angry. Even the most docile of men is going to feel this. Many will call you names, tell you to leave right now, if religious he may threaten to take the kids away from you, seeing you as a sinner, corrupting his children. And some may become physically violent.

Some will be absolutely understanding from the beginning and want only the best for you and the kids, they may even want to remain married, sometimes in name only, and have an open marriage. You would be surprised at the number of marriages in this country where one of the spouses is gay, and they have an open marriage. Most often the man is gay, and the wife stays for the sake of the kids and his career, but it is not unheard of the other way around. Or they may agree to an amicable divorce and work with you to ensure that the kids are really put first.

Believe it or not, a fair majority of the husbands eventually accept it, deal with it, truly want what is best for the kids and will always remain a part of your life. How soon they can get to that place depends a lot on them and a lot on us. It really helps if right away we let them know it isn't their fault and they couldn't have done anything different. It helps if they are open to a support group like the Straight Spouse Network or therapy with someone who has helped others in the same situation. (not the ex-gay ones, OK?) It helps if we can get across to them that we lied most to ourselves. And it helps if we do not say things like;

“If you loved me you’d understand I have to be me”
“If you were a better husband I wouldn’t have ‘experimented’”
“I’m not gay, I just love that person”
“I’m not asking you to forgive me, because there is nothing to forgive. This is normal for me.”
“After all, you’re the only man I’ve had sex with”.

Those quotes came from the Straight Spouse Network as the number one things our spouses don't want to hear. They do love us, but we are telling them we aren't who they always thought we were, it isn't their fault and we should never blame them, and somehow, the straight spouse can let go a little easier if they understand right off that we are indeed gay, they tend to hold on to false hope that it is only a phase if we tell them "I just fell in love with the person", sometimes though, I know, it is hard to even admit finally to ourselves we are gay. Oh, and there is a hell of a lot we have to ask them to forgive us for. And we should ask them for forgiveness, and allow them come to a point where they can. He may have been building a whole life around "us" and we just ripped it apart. And the "only man" comment is going to lead him again to hold out hope that you will grow tired of "the fling" and come back to him.

To be continued........

Meet The Boys: From a late in life family.

Let me introduce you to "my boys" Oh they are older now, but I love this picture, I always have. (I am the Mother, I choose the pictures.) The big smiley one in the front is James. And the one with the knowing look in the back is Kevin. He is the oldest. Kevin is 18 now, he will be 19 in a few months. James is everything you mothers of girls warn them about. Just ask Lorrie. He is 16 now. He can charm..... well you know the rest. The boys were, for much of their life, raised in a so called "traditional family." At the time I would have told you we were were a "close" family. That I was really close with my boys. Their father and I were married until Kevin was 15 and James 13. I divorced their father before I came out publicly.

Kevin and I had a talk last night. He is living with me again. He moved out last October. We hadn't been on very good terms since last spring and things came to a head finally and it was best that he move out. He has since made real progress with a lot of things and I have also learned how to express my momness in a way that he can deal with better. He has Asperger syndrome. He was diagnosed rather late, so communicating verbally correctly is more important with him than with someone who can read body language and understand vocal cues. It is something I am only really now beginning to understand. Kevin has made huge progress in learning to look for the clues the rest of us just seem to see.

We had a good talk. We talked about his dad, that his dad really is a good guy at heart, but that the alcohol had really ruined some of the good, but that he still loved him, as he should, how he missed his brother living away, how he got his GED and has returned to Adult School to get his high school diploma as well. (one issue causing momness was his dropping out last year! YIKES) He has been seriously looking for work but it hasn't been easy in this economy, but he has had some good interviews and he has an in (me) where I work. ( His efforts last year were nil, another issue for momness.)

And then he said "it really freaked James and I out when you came out Mom." and went on to another subject. I said, wait a minute, you can't drop that A-bomb and just go on Kev, you have to explain that one to me. He said OK we will talk about it tomorrow. Ummmm NOPE, we are talking about it tonight or I won't sleep at all.

After the initial shock of me coming out, and some really dumb jokes in bad taste, the boys have been fine, it has been a non issue, I thought. They have told me several times that growing up they really never felt I loved them, not knowing I had killed all my emotions to stay in the closet.

"Yeah, you really changed a lot after you came out. You dressed completely different, you talked different, you acted different and you even smoked different cigarettes all of a sudden."

He was right, when I came out I dressed more feminine, a little younger even, not really "old lady trying to look like a teenager", LOL, but I started wearing a little sexier clothes. I let my hair grow a bit, I lost weight, I did speak differently. I didn't mumble as much, I voiced my opinions, I speak with more authority in my voice than I used to. (The cigarettes were cheaper, no other reason) I sat up straighter, I was more outgoing than I was before. I was also newly in love and I was glowing with it. (I am and I still do!) I thought the changes were good.

It never occurred to me that to have their mother change literally, in their eyes, overnight was freaky. Even good change. But I see it now. He let me discuss my view of the change too. And he listened. And then I listened some more. He hugged me good night and I hugged him back and told him how much I really loved him. He said he knows I do now.

James is not as vocal as his brother is about such things. We have had a few, (for James that is a lot) discussions about some of what Kevin talked about last night. But I hadn't put it all together. James is much happier that I show more emotion now too and knows how much I love him. We joke a bit more and we got to know each other better the last 7 months with just the two of us. It was really nice. But he is glad Kevin is back. I am too. Very glad.

We are becoming a closer family now that I have come out. Their father moved to California last year, they still talk to him on the phone, send each other letters and DVD's and they are going to visit him this summer. He has stopped drinking and smoking and he has gotten better at communicating with both of them as well. He and I can talk now, as the best friends we always really were. And as the parents of children should.

We aren't very much a "traditional family" anymore. But for us anyway, that definition of family never fit very well, it was unnatural, we just didn't know it at the time. Our family now means we trust each other enough to talk about things, even uncomfortable things, we aren't afraid to grow together or admit our mistakes, we aren't afraid nor incapable of showing love for each other and best of all, the boys see and feel that I love them unconditionally and they know it in their hearts as well. They know now their father does too.

Our new definition fits us much better. Finally we are a real family...naturally.

How Can I Have Stayed In The Closet So Long?

Some Reasons Why We Stayed In:
In the United States, many of us are brought up to believe that Homosexuality is a sin, it's wrong, it's a perversion and so on. We have been taught this by our churches, our family and friends, the media, and especially the legal system. Until 1970, every state in the U.S. except for Illinois criminalized homosexual sex between consenting adults in a private home.

An adult convicted of the crime of having sex with another consenting adult in the privacy of his or her home could get anywhere from a light fine to five, ten, or twenty years—or even life—in prison. In 1971 twenty states had 'sex psychopath' laws that permitted the detaining of homosexuals for that reason alone. In Pennsylvania and California sex offenders could be locked in a mental institution for life, (Lorrie grew up in PA and I in CA) and in seven states they could be castrated.

Castration, emetics, hypnosis, electroshock therapy and lobotomies were used by psychiatrists to attempt to "cure" homosexuals of their desires throughout the 1950s and 1960s. While we may not have been fully aware of these laws as children, the homophobic feelings they fostered would have been very noticeable to us.

Things didn't begin to change until 1969 an event happened that we now just call "Stonewall." The Stonewall riots were a series of spontaneous, violent demonstrations against a police raid that took place in the early morning hours of June 28, 1969 at the Stonewall Inn, in the Greenwich Village neighborhood of New York City. They are frequently cited as the first instance in American history when gays and lesbians fought back against a government-sponsored system that persecuted homosexuals, and they have become the defining event that marked the start of the modern gay rights movement in the United States and around the world.

Slowly, individual states began to repeal these laws, by 1989 "only" 26 states had "anti-sodomy" laws. It wasn't until 2003 that the US Supreme Court found the remaining laws unconstitutional. Incredibly, 15 states still had these laws on their books. 2003......yes, just 6 years ago.

Until we come into contact with accurate information and meet other lesbians and gays to challenge these negative beliefs, we believe the bad things we have been told. This is called "Internalized Homophobia." It usually means that we basically hate ourselves. The self hate manifests itself in that we have low self-esteem and try to hide or suppress our sexuality. Some of us are outwardly homophobic. We may not even be aware that this is going on within us, and it may manifest itself in different ways. I know in my case I continued to stay in an unhealthy, mentally unhealthy marriage.

As lesbians we are doubly oppressed: by a system which hates homosexuality and one which only accepts women in certain roles, i.e. as wives, mothers, slim, beautiful, etc. The combined effects of homophobia and sexism mean that women are less likely than men to realize their homosexuality, to act on their feelings or to come out. Let's face it ladies, we think it's our fault we just don't enjoy sex like our friends. We think we are cold or frigid or maybe we "just don't like sex."

Some of us become aware of our sexual orientation when we were young (some know they are 'different' as early as six years old, others during adolescence), but for what ever reason we cannot openly admit it or even act on it. Some research shows that lesbians who are 'feminine' might not realize their true sexual orientation until later. I mean, if we like traditional girl things, we can't be gay, right? However, with the greater portrayal of feminine lesbians in the media, (like the L Word, Gray's Anatomy, Private Practice) this phenomenon may decrease.

Because of conditioning, and because we are told that we can only be sexual in relation to men, some of us didn't become aware of our sexuality until later in life when we suddenly fall in love with another woman - many after having been married for years with little/no interest in heterosexual sex. Other lesbians, because of internalized homophobia, are aware of our true feelings for women but believe the myth that 'it's only a phase' and that we'll 'grow out of it' and hope that by getting married and having children we can suppress these feelings.

At some stage, most of us find that we cannot keep our true feelings under control any longer and have to act on them. Some of us continue stay in marriages and have lesbian relationships but never accept that we are lesbian ourselves. Some stay in marriages for the sake of the children and come out later in life whilst others never do come out. Sometimes we stay in heterosexual relationships for fear of losing our families and friends and for the privileges society gives to heterosexuals.

Others have found that being involved with feminism - where they can come into contact with positive fellow lesbians and a supportive environment (not all feminists are lesbians BTW) - helped them to realize their sexuality. Some lesbians who have come out through the woman's movement do not generally have the same levels of internalized homophobia to deal with because, before coming out, they had changed their beliefs about lesbianism, i.e. they no longer believe that lesbianism is a sickness or a sin but that it is simply who they are. Some who join these movements find them healing and reduce the levels of internalized homophobia and sexism that they did have.

We have learned through our own hard experiences that you can't 'choose' to be lesbian, unless, of course, you are bisexual. You can choose to come out though, and develop a positive lesbian identity.

Obstacles When Coming Out (but not insurmountable ones!)

Coming out is a process which begins when we first admit to ourselves that we are lesbian although at first we might just admit to being bisexual. (I don't want to get into the bisexual argument because this site is for lesbians who have come out later in life, but I know from personal experience that some of us first admit we are maybe bisexual before realizing that NO we really aren't, we were confused because we had been married or in heterosexual relationships.) Saying we are bisexual can also be less frightening that saying we are fully lesbian.

Those of us who learn to accept our feelings almost always want to find out more about our sexuality, meet other lesbians, find a partner, and come out to our families and friends. Later we may decide to come out at work and, finally, to tell the world, maybe by posting on a "coming out" website, or joining a discussion group. Each time you come out it takes some thinking through as to how to do it 'tactfully.

Some of us never come out to anyone or only to a few people and keep it secret from our families. Coming out is not just telling a friend, parent, daughter or son and then never mentioning it again; it is a long process of getting rid of the internalized homophobia and finally accepting ourselves as wonderfully made human beings.

This process, I think, is more difficult for women who come out later in life because we have developed (either knowingly or unknowingly) a lifestyle and identity that is technically heterosexual. Coming out for us then, is first letting go of our heterosexual identity and building up a new lesbian identity.

What do I mean by getting rid of a "heterosexual" identity? I mean, when we think of ourselves as having a "heterosexual" identity, we think in terms of "being normal" and all the things we take for granted. Having a heterosexual identity means we really don't think of our sexuality as being anything at all. When we are identifying as heterosexuals we naturally assume (we don't think about) that we are entitled to resources and opportunities that are not made available to us once we realize we are lesbians. No one gets fired for being heterosexual, is denied housing, needs to think about how we act in public because it may offend or incur anger in homophobes. Sadly in many cities and states these things are a real possibility once we come out.

When we first start to identify with being a lesbian, it is hard work emotionally - especially with the fear that you may lose all of your friends and family. This is often irrational, unless you only have family and friends who are openly homophobic or may belong to a homophobic church, but you may be surprised by those who are accepting; yes, you may lose some of your friends and even family.

Please remember however hard this is for you, that keeping in contact with people who are homophobic will only serve to undermine your self worth. With time they may come around, but subjecting yourself to their negative beliefs on a regular basis isn't good for anyone. There really are cases where parents NEVER accept their children as gay, and some fewer cases where children never accept their parents coming out either.

Usually our children, if at first are rejecting, come around because they see we are the same mother we always were, loving and caring and committed to their well being.

Finding other lesbians to just be friends with is another very important part of coming out. This has been for me, harder than I thought, and I have experienced feelings of failure and often thought that it is easier just having accepting straight friends. I mean that during the 'transfer' to a lesbian identity I have been lonely for friendship because I want lesbian friends and I don't know that many lesbians or how to really meet them and have not always "clicked" with the lesbians I have met. If you live in a small town this can be especially frustrating, honestly I am not going to want to be close friends with someone JUST BECAUSE they are a lesbian. Like you and everyone else I want friends who have similar interests as I do, aside from being lesbians.

I found it a struggle to be between the straight/lesbian identities, especially when you know you are lesbian and you want that identity! While I was 'straight' I had quite a few friends, both female and male, and was never short of company. I have lost some of these friends coming out. Sometimes but not always because of homophobia, but they no longer see us as having the same interests.

Don't give up though, it is important to have at least a few friends who are lesbian, it is good to be able to talk freely with them, hang out with them and not worry at all about what to say or think. I finally have two friends at work with whom I have lots in common, guess what? They are both bisexual! LOL, I am not bisexual at all but we do have interests in common and because of my past, I can relate to their married/heterosexual lives as well as being free with them about being lesbian. With time you will be surprised at the number of friends you will have.

Are you a person of color? Then you may have added fears of losing contact with your own community. This creates a huge dilemma; how to cope with the homophobia of your own community, while at the same time dealing with bigotry within the Lesbian/Gay community? Yes, shamefully, there are racist members of our own community. Guess what! For better or worse, we are made up of the same type of people that make up the whole human race. This means that even though we are a minority that has hate and bigotry directed at us, we have lesbians and gays who are themselves racist and bigoted. We have some lesbians that are bigoted against gays, some gays who have prejudices against lesbians, lesbians and gays who have prejudices against bisexuals and transgenders and persons of color and vice versa.

I have discovered however, that you will find very, very few transgender people who have prejudices of any kind against other people. The transgender folks that I have come into contact with recently have got to be the most loving and understanding people I have ever met. Oh they get angry at the way they are treated, abused and even murdered, but they don't seem to reflect that back to their fellow humans who are different. I think we have much to learn from them in the way humans should treat other humans.

The process can be even more difficult for those of us who have developed harmful ways of coping with the suppression of their true sexual orientation. I am talking about using drugs and alcohol to help cope. It is important to understand that this strategy will seriously hinder not only your developing positive lesbian identities, but your positive self image as humans. Understand that the more accepting you are of yourself, the more your own self esteem rises, and the reasons for continuing to use drugs and alcohol decrease. But we cannot always stop using them on our own, if you can honestly say you have a problem, I suggest you start by visiting the Pride Institute to get the help you need.


Negative Effects of Staying in the Closet

The extent to which you want to be out is entirely up to you. However, being partly out and not integrating your true self into the rest of your life has serious consequences: it means avoiding intimacy with those who you are not out to (especially those close to you); it often means taking the stress created by this back into your lesbian relationship, putting extra strains on that relationship.

U.S. research suggests that the more open you are about your sexual orientation, the more complete a person you will be and the more healthy - emotionally - you will become. Hiding something which is the very essence of who we are is extremely dangerous and can result in depression, alcohol/drug misuse, attempted suicide and other harmful behaviors.

Many who use alcohol or drugs as a way of 'coping' with their sexuality will more than likely continue to do so if they do not come out. "I knew I was when I was eleven but I suppressed it. I'd have three or four girlfriends and fall in love with one of them but would be unable to tell her. I'd be jealous as hell when she got off with a chap. I'd have one-night stands with blokes when I was drunk. Eventually, at 34, I stopped drinking and came out - I thought maybe it was being in the closet that was causing my drink problem. Since stopping drinking and coming out I haven't looked back." Joy, 36 year-old, white, working class, lesbian, from the UK.

Finding Support is Important!

It may be that if you have a negative response to coming out - especially from someone you care about - that you go back into the closet. You must be strong enough to deal with any possible rejections you may come across; there are several actions you can take to help:

Before you come out to anyone it is advisable to first meet other lesbians or even gay men just to talk with - Check with Empty Closets to see if there are any coming out groups, helplines or other support groups in your area. There may also be a group in the phone book you can contact. You will probably find this step very daunting because it means admitting to someone else for the first time that you are lesbian. This takes a lot of courage but remember, the volunteers on helplines and folks in groups will have been through a similar process and will be able to understand your fears.

If you find it too stressful to go to a group on your own, ask the helpline if someone could meet you somewhere neutral or if you could even e-mail or write to someone first.

Read materials to help you get rid of your internalized homophobia - to challenge all the negative beliefs. Amazon has quite a few. Download and read "The Blue Book" a manual written as a gift to the congregation of The Presbyterian Church, Mt. Kisco, New York, in recognition of the love and support that their church members have given to individuals and families whose lives have been touched by the issue of homosexuality.

It is best to come out initially to people who you know/think will be supportive; the more positive reactions you get the better you'll feel and be more able to develop your confidence in coming out.

When coming out to parents it is useful to make contact with a parents group and understand that it is likely your parents will be shocked and will also need support. More information about coming out to parents can be found at PFLAG, Parents, Family & Friends of Lesbians and Gays. PFLAG will also be a great resource for you and your children. The books which discuss coming out will also have sections on coming out to your children.

When Divorce Is The Only Option

As a later in life lesbian who is coming out, it is likely that you will be married and have children. You are going to eventually have to come out to your husband. He WILL react negatively at first. Make no mistake there. He is going to have many feelings at first, shock, many times anger and will even feel it is his fault. He will feel that if only he was a better lover you would not be a lesbian. Now, we know that isn't true, but trust me, he will feel that way no matter how open and accepting he may be. Be prepared for that anger. Your spouse may be able to calm down, learn to accept it, and may agree to remain married to you and co-parent the children. There are Straight Spouse Networks to help him come to terms with your lesbianism. However, he may not be able to deal with it, or you may not wish to remain in the marriage, the option of continuing in the lie may be too much for you to bear and divorce becomes necessary.

Now, if you are in a physically abusive relationship, DO NOT TELL HIM you think/know you are a lesbian. Yup, you heard me. You first must seek help for the abuse, get yourself out of that situation, get a restraining order, but DO NOT TELL HIM. My ex was never physically abusive, but when I told him he was furious, he was hateful verbally and he even thought it was his fault. He bad mouthed me to the kids and I was ALREADY divorced from him before I told him. I cannot imagine his reaction if he had been an abuser. He has come to fully accept me for who I am and we get along better now than we have in years but that first year was hell.

If you must divorce because you are lesbian, it adds additional dimensions to the situation. If both parents are comfortable discussing issues related to sexual orientation - if both are able to answer their children's questions simply, without going beyond what the child is asking for - children usually will be more comfortable with the knowledge that one of their parents is gay. The important thing is that children are reassured that both parents will continue to love them, despite the situation they are living in.

Understand however, children of a gay or lesbian parent may be teased and deeply hurt by their schoolmates. Homosexual parents may also face discrimination from families, co-workers and the community which can be difficult to deal with. This can be especially true once new parenting arrangements are made. Children, particularly teenagers, may feel confused about their own sexuality and personal identity. They need an open atmosphere at home in which to ask questions and share their concerns or fears. If children or parents find the topic difficult to discuss, a knowledgeable counsellor may be able to help. Changes will be easiest for children if parents can work out the issues in their own relationship without involving the children. Self-help groups like PFLAG, may also be available in your community to provide support in dealing with issues of sexual orientation and parenting. Other groups specifically for children of gay or lesbian parents may also be available

Remember to be the healthy, complete human being that you were created to be, you'll need to do quite a bit of work emotionally in order to undo all the negative stuff you've internalised. The longer you've suppressed your true sexual orientation the more time it will take. If you're ready to take that step, good luck but remember it is ALWAYS worth it!!!!

A Checklist For Coming Out:

Change your internalized feelings about your lesbianism from a negative to a positive one by:

1. Reading books and watching films and videos that portray positive images of Lesbians.

2. Making contact with positive Lesbian/Gay role models. This has been the most important part of ending my own self loathing. I have also watched a lot of movies about famous and important lesbians. I have met some LGBT leaders in my home town. Check out About.com's list of famous lesbians and see for yourself the variety of those who have positively contributed to society. Wikipedia also has quite a list!

3. Adopting a lesbian identity, i.e. naming yourself lesbian. It's OK if we often begin by saying we are bisexual, or just say we love women, do take baby steps if you have to.

4. Self-disclosuring (telling others about our lesbianism): This is necessary for intimate relationships (with partners, family and friends), confirmation of our lesbian identity and becoming our selves. Positive responses to coming out will help you move forward, negative responses can have the reverse effect. The opposite of self-disclosure is only an affirmation of internalized homophobia which implies that this aspect of yourself is too shameful to tell anyone.

5. Developing ways of handling direct and indirect disclosures. How would you evaluate the risks in who to tell: you need to increase the chances of positive responses and lessen the risks of negative ones.

6. Being patient with your parents and children. Remember how long it took you to accept your own sexuality? Well, your parents and children will need to go through a similar process before they can accept it.

7. Separating yourself from negative environments. For example, it is harmful (although sometimes necessary) to stay in a parental/marital home where there is conflict about your sexuality or to stay friends with homophobic people.

8. Finding a positive circle of Lesbian friends - join a pen-pal club, contact your nearest helpline to find out if there are any coming out or support groups.

Remember, internalized homophobia in either or both partners in a lesbian relationship will greatly interfere with that relationship. At the same time, the nature of the relationship and your interpretation of it can have a major impact on your development, either reducing or enhancing your internalized homophobia.

On a scale 0 - 100%, how would you rate the following?

1. Comfort with your own feelings of being a Lesbian?

2. Comfort with your relations with women?

3. Comfort with your own feelings about lesbian fantasies?

4. Comfort with, and respect and admiration for, other lesbians and gay men?

5. Ability to form meaningful relationship with another woman?

6. Ability to self-disclose in a positive way (i.e. not overly confrontational or apologetic)?

7. Use of a homosexual friendly reference group?

As a way of measuring how things are going, ask yourself how you would have answered the above questions a year ago. Or, putting it another way,

1. Do you still experience discomfort with your own feelings, relationships and fantasies?

2. Do you think a lot/say a lot of negative comments about lesbians/gays?

3. If in a relationship, do you respect your partner? Yourself? Your relationship? Do you take your relationship seriously?

4. How many people have you come out to? How did you do this? Were you confrontational or apologetic?

5. Do you still relate to your old network of friends/family, even if they are homophobic? Who do you turn to to talk about things concerning your lesbianism? Whose opinions do you respect? Have you developed a new circle of lesbian/gay friendly people?

I know from my own personal experience that coming out is difficult, hard and frightening. But everyone I have met who has come out later in life and early in life wouldn't go back to the old life of shame and denial. It is worth every step it takes!