The Not Yet Ex's, The Ex's And The Kids, part III

This series hopes to explore what our husbands and children go through when we decide to come out of the closet. Part III will attempt to address some of the worst case scenarios in our coming out process and how we can prepare to protect ourselves.

These issues are especially hard to think and talk about, it is hard on so many levels. But like bridgeout from Building or Burning Bridges in the Community commented, we need to know to keep ourselves safe and strong. Knowing is power, if you know, you can prepare. Fear defeats more people than any other one thing in the world. - Emerson

If you are wanting to come out, and reading this, it is important to keep in mind what lies at the end of this journey: joy, light, authenticity and, most of all, the freedom to be known and loved for who you really are.

Click here for Part I and Part II

ALL human beings are capable of anything given the right or wrong set of circumstances.

What are the worst things that can, have and do happen when we come out to our spouses:
Marital rape
Physical violence
Verbal and mental abuse
Saying things about you to the children to turn them against you including attempts to take the children away by false accusations of child abuse and/or molestation

And murder.

You have an idea what type of man you are married to already. If he is already fair minded, he probably will, after a time, still be fair minded towards you, there is still a chance for abuse however, hope for the best but prepare yourself in advance for the worst.

Studies have shown spousal rape occurs in about 14% of all marriages in the United States. Women are at particularly high risk of experiencing physical and sexual violence when they attempt to leave their partners, as this represents a challenge to their abusers' control and sense of entitlement. Similarly, women who are separated or divorced from their partners also appear to be at high risk for sexual abuse for the sense of entitlement does not necessarily end when a couple ceases living together (DeKeseredy et al., 2005; Dobash & Dobash, 1992; Kurz, 1997).

If he is an authoritarian type, perhaps deeply religious with firm beliefs on how men and women should act, including that the wife must submit to her husband, there is a greater chance for him to cross the line to verbal, sexual and physical abuse even if he was not so before. Or if he has friends who make jokes about abusing women, he has a higher chance of becoming abusive himself when you attempt to leave him.

If he is like my ex, not a physical abuser but abusive in other ways, he will remain mentally or verbally abusive, but understand there is a greater chance of his type crossing the line to physical abuse than a non-abuser. Prepare in advance your resources and contacts

If he is already physically abusive: DO NOT COME OUT TO HIM. First of all, get yourself professional and police help and then get you and the kids the hell out of there. There are crisis centers, churches and women's support centers to aid you in nearly every town in America. Don't let shame keep you in a dangerous situation. [National Domestic Violence Hotline]

You will find your own self esteem growing as you become more honest with yourself, see the abuse for what it is, not your fault but entirely his.

You will NOT be able to reason with him, you WILL NOT be able to stay with him and you WILL more than likely be the recipient of violence like you have never seen before. An abuser WILL resort to spousal rape, if he hasn't already, when confronted with your lesbianism and will beat you severely and he may VERY LIKELY TRY TO KILL YOU. He may succeed.

His abusive personality is not something that is your fault, it is his own lack of self worth that causes it. You don't deserve it no matter what you do. And you are not going to be able to change him by staying with him. Not all insecure people are abusers, but all abusers are insecure people.

If you are not out yet, but are coming to the point where you must come out start taking care of yourself right now. For most of your married life you have developed a social system completely built in a straight community, and change can appear overwhelming and even impossible. Making the change from wife and mother in a straight community to lesbian life is not an easy task. It is a path fraught with loss, guilt, separation and fear. Because of this, depression is quite common among married lesbians.

Depression can lead to suicidal thoughts or action. If hurting yourself has ever even crossed your mind, seek immediate psychiatric attention. National Suicide Hotline: 1-800-SUICIDE 1-800-784-2433

Resources for victims of spousal abuse:
Don't forget you have local resources too! Find an affirming church in your area, they will know of even more resources. Your employer may offer an Employee Assistance Program, these services are of no cost to you and are confidential. Also, go to a library to use their computers so he can't see what you are looking up, call from pay phones, or talk to people in person to reduce the risk he will find out what you are doing.

National Domestic Violence Hotline 1800-799-7233 (SAFE)

Hotline Services Include:

• Crisis intervention, safety planning, information about domestic violence and referrals to local service providers
• A direct connection to domestic violence resources available in the caller’s area provided by a Hotline advocate
• Assistance in both English and Spanish with Hotline advocates having access to more than 170 different languages through interpreter services
• Assistance through e-mail on the contact page
• Informational materials on such topics as domestic violence, sexual assault, battering intervention and prevention programs, working through the criminal justice system and related issues
  

Stop Abuse For Everyone, includes GLBT specific resources and has contact information nationwide
Stop Abuse For Everyone
16869 SW 65th Ave #212
Lake Oswego, OR 97035-7865
U.S.A.
(503) 853-8686

National Online Resource Center on Violence Against Women

Gift From Within and GFW main page

Women are Dreamers Too Support and education for getting it all together after you are free

Support for overcoming depression:

Discovering Pride

I Am A Lesbian Married To A Man

Don't forget your local resources here either, there are coming out groups, therapists and affirming clergy and your workplace may offer confidential services that will assist you!

You should also be ready to contact a lawyer, just to speak with them, they all offer a free 30 minute session, don't be afraid to use this valuable resource. Ask them about divorce laws in your state, ask about child custody, how to protect yourself against false charges, etc., get a list going and if half an hour isn't enough time, then call another one to ask the rest of questions of.

Good luck, God bless and always remember what lies at the end of this journey: joy, light, authenticity and, most of all, the freedom to be known and loved for who you really are.

Continuing, our children......

The Not Yet Ex's, The Ex's And The Kids, part II

This series hopes to explore what our husbands and children go through when we decide to come out of the closet. We can't stop them from from being hurt, but maybe we can try to help them heal....
Click here for Part I

Now you have told him, he is probably angry, is certainly hurting, is afraid of others finding out and is completely confused about what to do next. We don't always know what to say or do ourselves. I can't say it was better that I divorced my husband before I came out, but I do believe it was easier on both of us in the end.

We were both still grieving our marriage ending, then after I came out to him, he still felt if he had been a better man I wouldn't be gay and I never would have divorced him and he even called me names in front of the boys. It didn't matter that he had suspected I was a lesbian all those years. Those feelings still surfaced. But he was forced to completely accept that there was no hope of me coming back. Because that was never an issue, he was able to move on rather quickly. He had already been dating another woman. He already knew there was a difference between being with her for a few months, and being with me for 18 years.

In some cases as soon as you tell him, he will file for divorce right away. He may not be willing to talk about it at all or is unable to deal with it and suddenly he moves out or asks that you do. You may have custody of the kids, or you both decide it is best that he does or you share custody. He may threaten to take custody and visitation away from you. Most, if any, courts WILL NOT take your children away from you solely because you are a lesbian. Or you both could decide it would be best if they stayed with their father. If this happens, most likely it will be a no fault divorce or irreconcilable differences clause. Same sex relationships are not seen as adultery by nearly all the courts in this country because most states require coitus for it to be even considered. You aren't going to have much time for talk if this is the case, it is best to hold on to your own ground and have someone to support you through it all. Try not to return his anger and bitterness with your own if there are kids or not. I guess the best thing is to be the bigger person.......

Usually he won't act so rashly, he will be angry, hurt and crushed, but won't want to cause more harm to the family. He is also going to hold on to the hope that it isn't true, it can't be true, after all you have been having sex with him for all these years. He naturally wants things to be how they were before you told him. He isn't going to want to tear the family apart anymore than you do. More than likely you married him because he IS a good man, try not to forget that, and let him know that you still know he is a good man.

If I am going to sound like a broken record, it would be to get him to at least look at the Straight Spouse Network. Support groups may not be his thing at all, but he can read other stories online and at least see he is not alone. They have wonderful advice for letting him come to terms with it, and even will give suggestions on knowing the best ways to handle it with the kids:

Process your own feelings as much as you need to, but please do not expose your children to these feelings. Your children deserve to process things in their own ways, rather than absorbing their dad’s/mom's process or feeling pressure to choose sides...

When children are “sheltered” (kept away) from the gay/lesbian parent, they internalize the message that the gay/lesbian parent was bad or evil, and build up a loyalty to the straight parent. Further down the line however, when the children mature and are able to form their own opinions, they often resent the straight parent for denying them a relationship with the gay/lesbian parent. Your children need to know that both their mother and father are committed to loving them unconditionally. In your case, part of that unconditional love is nurturing the relationship the children have with their mother or father.

There will come a time when he may enter into the phase of "Come back to him." Can't you just forget it and everything will go back to the way it was. We can work this out. You will get over it, please just come back. Let's see a marriage counselor together. I promise to be a better husband. He means these things. He really believes them and it is heart wrenching to hear. He is also going to continue to go through his grieving process, he will alternate between wanting you and hating you, he may be wonderfully understanding one day and ready to throw you out the next. His emotions are on a roller coaster right now and he can't always control them.

The best you can do is keep the lines of communication open, but also let him know name calling or screaming at you in front of the kids is unacceptable. Don't be afraid to let him know how hard it was for you to get to this point too, but that you do know it isn't all about you. Let him know you know how much it is hurting him and that it isn't his fault. Let him know you are willing to go to counseling with him if he wants to and make the appointments yourself. Suggest he read other straight spouses stories either from books or on the internet. If he is a religious man let him read sites like the "Letter To Louise" or "The Blue Book" or let him know about gay Christian sites like SisterFriends or the many other sites. He may not change his views, but it might get him thinking.

If you both agree to go to counseling together, find out before hand if they have real experience with this situation, and also make sure they are able to see both sides equally. It won't help him if they are all for you and just think he needs to get over it, end of story, he just won't go. If they believe your lesbianism can be cured, or it is all your fault, they give him false hope and hurt your self esteem no end. Don't be afraid to see several until it is a good fit. Your counselor needs to be able to help BOTH of you through this. Not just one of you. Your husband needs to come to a place of healing and understanding and he needs to see that you understand his point of view too.

You just may decide that you will give it a go and stay with him, or maybe you can wait until the kids are grown. Maybe now is when you start to discuss an open marriage. All of these choices are deeply, deeply personal. I think the best thing is to talk about all these things and their consequences, as honestly and openly as you can with your spouse.

Think about what it is going to do to your relationship now that he knows you don't love him the way a wife should. And if you decide to put off your feelings until after the kids are grown, can you really live with that? What are you willing to do for him to make sure is needs are met? What is he willing to do for you to make sure your needs are met? How will he react if you do end up having an affair? What if he decides to have an affair, how will you react?

If you decide to talk about an open marriage, can the two of you really handle it? How will you feel when he has a girlfriend? How will he feel about you being with your girlfriend? Will you two continue to have sexual relations? If you do how will there be a guarantee no STD's are exchanged? There are sites and books about open marriages, you might want to see what is required of one, and how others have dealt with it.

Even with counseling, talk and understanding, once the time comes that others find out, he is going to be bombarded with all kinds of advice, sympathy and hopefully even real support from his friends and family. And just like you, he will get to hear dumb things too:

Dumb things people will most likely say to your Ex or Not Yet Ex (they say them to us too) if and when they find out:

Are you sure? How do you know? When did you find out?
You’ve been married this long - think of the children. Can’t you just live together like brother and sister?
I know just the (counselor, clergy, doctor, best divorce lawyer in the state) who can fix this. You just leave it to me.
Hey you’re a lucky guy, that is SO hot. (wink, wink, elbow jab, elbow jab, and all the lewd comments that will go with this one.)
You’re not SERIOUSLY letting the children stay with her, are you?
You know she will burn in hell don't you?
Oh, we all knew (or suspected). What, you didn’t know? How could you miss this? Oh come on. You had to know.
You married a lesbian? What kind of man are you?

Just be aware that as he talks to his friends and family about this, he is hearing these things and they may reignite his anger, resentment and confusion.

Continuing.......

The Not Yet Ex's, The Ex's And The Kids

The thing about a lot of us that come out later in life, is that many of us are married and have children. The reasons we married are very diverse. I think we all really did, or do, love or are very fond of the men we married. Some of us also thought that we could make a real go of the marriage, that our attraction to other women was what every woman feels, you just don't act on it, or we knew exactly what it was and thought we could just learn to be straight, be good citizens and all that.

When it becomes unbearable to continue to live in the lie, and we decide to come out, it is often our husbands whom we tell first. It is scary as hell for us, but it is a full on body blow by an 18 wheeler to them. We know why we married and suppressed our feelings for other women, but our husbands rarely do. Many did not really suspect at all, most knew something was not right, but could not put their finger on it. Some, like my husband, suspected it for a long time, but hoped he was wrong, and some are completely clueless and are taken by complete, total surprise.

I know that when I divorced my husband, I hurt him a lot. And I know that because I didn't tell him upfront about being a lesbian, but told him months later, I hurt him all over again. I know that when he told the boys before I did, that it hurt them, some of what they felt was I couldn't trust them, that I was ashamed to tell them, and that I lied to them.

We may have believed it was wrong, unnatural or a sinful part of ourselves. Or some of us wanted kids, a husband and a family because that is how we believed it should be. Or we just didn't have the courage it takes to live a way that many feel is wrong, it goes against their beliefs so they just don't want to accept that it exists. Much of this was covered in How could I have stayed in the closet so long?

Whenever and however you do reach the point of coming out to him, your husband's self esteem is going to get clobbered. He is going to think he drove you to it, that if he was enough of a man, you wouldn't be a lesbian. His "libido" is going to shrink smaller than jumping into the Arctic Sea would make it. And it is going to take time for him to understand any of it.

After the initial shock, they may think you are joking, or they will be in denial. If you don't say you have a girlfriend, their first question will likely be have you slept with someone yet? If you haven't, they may be more likely to tell you it is a phase or fantasy and how can you be sure? A few will even find the idea exciting at first, a turn on, they may see this as a chance to live out a "threesome" fantasy. Most of them, once you convince them, are eventually going to be angry. Really angry. Even the most docile of men is going to feel this. Many will call you names, tell you to leave right now, if religious he may threaten to take the kids away from you, seeing you as a sinner, corrupting his children. And some may become physically violent.

Some will be absolutely understanding from the beginning and want only the best for you and the kids, they may even want to remain married, sometimes in name only, and have an open marriage. You would be surprised at the number of marriages in this country where one of the spouses is gay, and they have an open marriage. Most often the man is gay, and the wife stays for the sake of the kids and his career, but it is not unheard of the other way around. Or they may agree to an amicable divorce and work with you to ensure that the kids are really put first.

Believe it or not, a fair majority of the husbands eventually accept it, deal with it, truly want what is best for the kids and will always remain a part of your life. How soon they can get to that place depends a lot on them and a lot on us. It really helps if right away we let them know it isn't their fault and they couldn't have done anything different. It helps if they are open to a support group like the Straight Spouse Network or therapy with someone who has helped others in the same situation. (not the ex-gay ones, OK?) It helps if we can get across to them that we lied most to ourselves. And it helps if we do not say things like;

“If you loved me you’d understand I have to be me”
“If you were a better husband I wouldn’t have ‘experimented’”
“I’m not gay, I just love that person”
“I’m not asking you to forgive me, because there is nothing to forgive. This is normal for me.”
“After all, you’re the only man I’ve had sex with”.

Those quotes came from the Straight Spouse Network as the number one things our spouses don't want to hear. They do love us, but we are telling them we aren't who they always thought we were, it isn't their fault and we should never blame them, and somehow, the straight spouse can let go a little easier if they understand right off that we are indeed gay, they tend to hold on to false hope that it is only a phase if we tell them "I just fell in love with the person", sometimes though, I know, it is hard to even admit finally to ourselves we are gay. Oh, and there is a hell of a lot we have to ask them to forgive us for. And we should ask them for forgiveness, and allow them come to a point where they can. He may have been building a whole life around "us" and we just ripped it apart. And the "only man" comment is going to lead him again to hold out hope that you will grow tired of "the fling" and come back to him.

To be continued........

The Only Agenda Really Is Love

Two years ago was probably the first time Lorrie and I ever mentioned marriage and our views on it. It was about then that we realized we really were in love, that it wasn't just a crush or fabulous lust, although those things were and still are, certainly involved, LOL.
Our discussion was simple, no way, no how. I personally had been referring to marriage as the pre-divorce ceremony for a number of years. And besides, why did we need to get married anyway, what I have will go to my kids, and what Lorrie has, will go to hers we said.
But then when we were together I would find myself holding back from blurting out "will you marry me?" And one time Lorrie confessed she felt the same way. Again we reiterated we didn't really want to get married and besides, Lorrie, technically, already is. We were just feeling the love so to speak.
So in November I Joined The Impact and have marched and demonstrated in Reno. I have written an article on Pam's House Blend about "traditional Biblical" marriage in order to point out the hypocrisy of the anti marriage folk and show how fluid and encompassing the concept of marriage really is. I have posted to many forums about why same-sex marriage isn't such a silly idea and that the amendments in many states are really unconstitutional under the 14th amendment.
Why? Because damn it, someday I really, really want to stand up before our friends and family and celebrate my love for and with the woman I am already spiritually joined with in a truer marriage than my previous one ever was. I wouldn't mind a commitment ceremony, it certainly says I love you and I am completely committed to Lorrie. But I personally am offended by the anti love amendments, I want it to be a full fledged union that is recognized as legitimate in every State in America damn it! I know it's already legitimate, Lorrie knows our love is legitimate, but I want MY COUNTRY, where my ancestors have lived for 200+ years and have founded two towns, where I pay my taxes, have raised my children to be good citizens, where I would fight and die personally for all our freedoms, to say that my love is equal under the law and deserving of all the rights and privileges that I hold so sacred as an American.
I want Lorrie and I to marry (if she'll have me) as full citizens of the United States.
Oh, when she was here last week, I finally told her I really do want to marry her, I think she liked the idea.....