The Not Yet Ex's, The Ex's And The Kids, part IV

This series hopes to explore what our husbands and children go through when we decide to come out of the closet. Click here for Part I, Part II and Part III

All of our experiences in coming out have things in common as well as many differences, just as we have a before and after, our children also have a before and after. When we changed our lives, the lives of those closest to us were also changed forever.

As each child is different and in a different place, I think it might be best to listen to the voices of the kids themselves in this:

The first comments are by Abigail Garner, author of: Families Like Mine: Children of Gay Parents Tell It Like It Is. The following is her answer to "Isn’t it confusing and complicated for a young child to have two moms or two dads?"

Only when people tell them it’s confusing and complicated.

When my nephew was five, he was talking on the phone with my father and said, “Grampa, you weren’t home yesterday when I called so I talked to Grampa.” For my nephew, it is completely normal and acceptable to have two grandpas in one house who love him dearly. It gets complicated when a teacher, a friend, or a friend’s parent says, “That’s impossible. You can’t have two grampas in the same house. Which one is REALLY your grampa?” This situation happens time and time again for very young people who are not confused by the love that comes from their family. Speaking from experience, the younger children are when they learn a family member is LGBT, the more accepting they are.

What I knew as a child and what I still know is that I was always wanted and always loved by the caring adults who raised me. I have never doubted that for a second. To a child, there is NOTHING complicated or confusing about having parents who love them.

The struggles that typically come from having a LGBT parent are not because the parent(s) are LGBT, but because the children hear messages everyday that remind them that plenty of people question the validity of their families. This is understandably wearing and frustrating, but it is not the result of parents being LGBT. It is the result of living in a homophobic society.

Most of the quotes below are from queerspawn.community:

Juliana, whose father came out in 2005, believes her family lived a lie for decades.

James, my own son, also became angry at the lie because he felt that he and Kevin were not born of love but simply as a cover for my own sexuality. Kevin just hated the divorce.

Ryan Enschede, 34, was an adult when his parents divorced and his father came out as gay. “I think growing up I missed a male heterosexual role model, and I think I missed the role models of parents in a good relationship,” he says. “I think my growing-up experience has contributed to my adult feeling of being an outsider in our American culture.” Still, Enschede enjoys the vibe of being around gay men and maintains optimism about the power of queerspawn to transform the world. “We’re a large enough group to have some clout,” he says. “Our mere existence as a visible active group could force social/political change within the gay world which supports gay families, as well as the Religious Right world which condemns it.”

Cassie - "My name is Cassie, and my mom came out when I was eight. That I knew of, at least...she was out for some time before then. My parents divorced at that time and my mom moved to Vermont with her partner, Bridgette, who is still her partner now. They've been together for almost 12 years now, and they are my real parents more than my step-mom and my dad ever were.

I myself am bisexual, but that has nothing to do with my parents influence. I have a younger brother who was only three when my parents split, and he basically has been completely raised by two women, and he is straight. I also have a younger sister, who is asexual. :P I am active in the gay rights community - I wrote an essay about it on Fictionpress, and I talked to the Vermont senator at the time before civil unions were legal about my family and why I did not think it was fair that they were not able to get rights.

I think we're like any other family - I just happen to have been raised by two women instead of a woman and a man."

Ryan - "As a child of divorce I know how heart-breaking it is for family, friends and the kids. I remember when my biological parents divorced - mom and dad - when I was about 9. My grandmother died and my dog was run over by a truck passing by. Can we say trauma. The divorce seemed to be the one thing that I could fix, there was hope.

What I didn't know was that there was much more going on under the surface. They had fallen out of love. And mom had moved on. Soon after Mom met Sue. Mom and Dad had been together just about 10 years, Mom and Sue have been together 22. Mom followed love not gender. The two need to be separated when we look at gay divorce. The big difference is that kids are protected in a legal marriage. What happens when our parents fall out of love and then the courts fall out of recognition of their relationship."

Chelsia Rice, who grew up in a lesbian-headed family gave the following speech at a marriage equality rally in Portland, Oregon on Valentine's Day 2005:

What wasn’t easy is how society dealt with my family and how same-sex families are still treated today. The opposition says that if same-sex marriages are legally recognized, “Schools will be forced to teach that the homosexual family is normal.” Well, if the schools would have even come close to recognizing my family’s existence in a classroom - it would’ve made my life a lot easier. But, because we had to remain closeted to remain safe, it took me 13-years to meet another kid with lesbian parents. And when she approached me at school and told me she had lesbian mothers too, we celebrated and we instantly became friends. But regardless of knowing someone else, I still had no one to help protect me from societies scorn; I still had to defend myself from a barrage of bullies.

And it wasn’t just my peers – who often made spectacles of me in classes by passing notes and spreading rumors - in grade school, the PTA gathered to warn other parents that my mother might teach them how to be lesbians resulting in a huge loss of childhood friends who were no longer allowed to hang out with me, spend the night at my house, or come to my birthday parties. And when Measure 9 was on the ballot in the early 90s, even some of my high school instructors posted YES on 9 signs in their classrooms and on their desks. I even had one teacher who made us listen to Rush Limbaugh during lab. Not to mention, our house was vandalized several time during that election year.

Did I feel resentment and anger toward my family and society? Absolutely. Would I change a thing? Never.

Resources for coming out to your children and resources FOR your children:

COLAGE on coming out to your children COLAGE is a national movement of children, youth, and adults with one or more lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and/or queer (LGBTQ) parents. We build community and work toward social justice through youth empowerment, leadership development, education, and advocacy.



About.com Lesbian Life, How To Come Out To Your Child


How It Feels to Have a Gay or Lesbian Parent: A Book by Kids for Kids of All Ages


And PFLAG, Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays

Would I have come out still, knowing what I know now? About how it might have affected the ex and the kids? Yes, absolutely. I know I could not have staying in the closet any longer, but I think it could have been handled a lot better if I had taken the time to find things out first. Or had even known where to begin to look for answers.

What everything comes down to is: the real damage seems to come from influences outside of our control. The beliefs of others, and their comments we and our children hear from peers, the media and other adults who have negative opinions about LGBT folk hurt us all on so many different levels.

The best we can do is to do the best we can everyday, and try to remember that in the end, love always defeats hate....

The Not Yet Ex's, The Ex's And The Kids, part II

This series hopes to explore what our husbands and children go through when we decide to come out of the closet. We can't stop them from from being hurt, but maybe we can try to help them heal....
Click here for Part I

Now you have told him, he is probably angry, is certainly hurting, is afraid of others finding out and is completely confused about what to do next. We don't always know what to say or do ourselves. I can't say it was better that I divorced my husband before I came out, but I do believe it was easier on both of us in the end.

We were both still grieving our marriage ending, then after I came out to him, he still felt if he had been a better man I wouldn't be gay and I never would have divorced him and he even called me names in front of the boys. It didn't matter that he had suspected I was a lesbian all those years. Those feelings still surfaced. But he was forced to completely accept that there was no hope of me coming back. Because that was never an issue, he was able to move on rather quickly. He had already been dating another woman. He already knew there was a difference between being with her for a few months, and being with me for 18 years.

In some cases as soon as you tell him, he will file for divorce right away. He may not be willing to talk about it at all or is unable to deal with it and suddenly he moves out or asks that you do. You may have custody of the kids, or you both decide it is best that he does or you share custody. He may threaten to take custody and visitation away from you. Most, if any, courts WILL NOT take your children away from you solely because you are a lesbian. Or you both could decide it would be best if they stayed with their father. If this happens, most likely it will be a no fault divorce or irreconcilable differences clause. Same sex relationships are not seen as adultery by nearly all the courts in this country because most states require coitus for it to be even considered. You aren't going to have much time for talk if this is the case, it is best to hold on to your own ground and have someone to support you through it all. Try not to return his anger and bitterness with your own if there are kids or not. I guess the best thing is to be the bigger person.......

Usually he won't act so rashly, he will be angry, hurt and crushed, but won't want to cause more harm to the family. He is also going to hold on to the hope that it isn't true, it can't be true, after all you have been having sex with him for all these years. He naturally wants things to be how they were before you told him. He isn't going to want to tear the family apart anymore than you do. More than likely you married him because he IS a good man, try not to forget that, and let him know that you still know he is a good man.

If I am going to sound like a broken record, it would be to get him to at least look at the Straight Spouse Network. Support groups may not be his thing at all, but he can read other stories online and at least see he is not alone. They have wonderful advice for letting him come to terms with it, and even will give suggestions on knowing the best ways to handle it with the kids:

Process your own feelings as much as you need to, but please do not expose your children to these feelings. Your children deserve to process things in their own ways, rather than absorbing their dad’s/mom's process or feeling pressure to choose sides...

When children are “sheltered” (kept away) from the gay/lesbian parent, they internalize the message that the gay/lesbian parent was bad or evil, and build up a loyalty to the straight parent. Further down the line however, when the children mature and are able to form their own opinions, they often resent the straight parent for denying them a relationship with the gay/lesbian parent. Your children need to know that both their mother and father are committed to loving them unconditionally. In your case, part of that unconditional love is nurturing the relationship the children have with their mother or father.

There will come a time when he may enter into the phase of "Come back to him." Can't you just forget it and everything will go back to the way it was. We can work this out. You will get over it, please just come back. Let's see a marriage counselor together. I promise to be a better husband. He means these things. He really believes them and it is heart wrenching to hear. He is also going to continue to go through his grieving process, he will alternate between wanting you and hating you, he may be wonderfully understanding one day and ready to throw you out the next. His emotions are on a roller coaster right now and he can't always control them.

The best you can do is keep the lines of communication open, but also let him know name calling or screaming at you in front of the kids is unacceptable. Don't be afraid to let him know how hard it was for you to get to this point too, but that you do know it isn't all about you. Let him know you know how much it is hurting him and that it isn't his fault. Let him know you are willing to go to counseling with him if he wants to and make the appointments yourself. Suggest he read other straight spouses stories either from books or on the internet. If he is a religious man let him read sites like the "Letter To Louise" or "The Blue Book" or let him know about gay Christian sites like SisterFriends or the many other sites. He may not change his views, but it might get him thinking.

If you both agree to go to counseling together, find out before hand if they have real experience with this situation, and also make sure they are able to see both sides equally. It won't help him if they are all for you and just think he needs to get over it, end of story, he just won't go. If they believe your lesbianism can be cured, or it is all your fault, they give him false hope and hurt your self esteem no end. Don't be afraid to see several until it is a good fit. Your counselor needs to be able to help BOTH of you through this. Not just one of you. Your husband needs to come to a place of healing and understanding and he needs to see that you understand his point of view too.

You just may decide that you will give it a go and stay with him, or maybe you can wait until the kids are grown. Maybe now is when you start to discuss an open marriage. All of these choices are deeply, deeply personal. I think the best thing is to talk about all these things and their consequences, as honestly and openly as you can with your spouse.

Think about what it is going to do to your relationship now that he knows you don't love him the way a wife should. And if you decide to put off your feelings until after the kids are grown, can you really live with that? What are you willing to do for him to make sure is needs are met? What is he willing to do for you to make sure your needs are met? How will he react if you do end up having an affair? What if he decides to have an affair, how will you react?

If you decide to talk about an open marriage, can the two of you really handle it? How will you feel when he has a girlfriend? How will he feel about you being with your girlfriend? Will you two continue to have sexual relations? If you do how will there be a guarantee no STD's are exchanged? There are sites and books about open marriages, you might want to see what is required of one, and how others have dealt with it.

Even with counseling, talk and understanding, once the time comes that others find out, he is going to be bombarded with all kinds of advice, sympathy and hopefully even real support from his friends and family. And just like you, he will get to hear dumb things too:

Dumb things people will most likely say to your Ex or Not Yet Ex (they say them to us too) if and when they find out:

Are you sure? How do you know? When did you find out?
You’ve been married this long - think of the children. Can’t you just live together like brother and sister?
I know just the (counselor, clergy, doctor, best divorce lawyer in the state) who can fix this. You just leave it to me.
Hey you’re a lucky guy, that is SO hot. (wink, wink, elbow jab, elbow jab, and all the lewd comments that will go with this one.)
You’re not SERIOUSLY letting the children stay with her, are you?
You know she will burn in hell don't you?
Oh, we all knew (or suspected). What, you didn’t know? How could you miss this? Oh come on. You had to know.
You married a lesbian? What kind of man are you?

Just be aware that as he talks to his friends and family about this, he is hearing these things and they may reignite his anger, resentment and confusion.

Continuing.......

On Coming Out To Your Evangelical Parents As An Adult

The Not Yet Ex's, The Ex's And The Kids

The thing about a lot of us that come out later in life, is that many of us are married and have children. The reasons we married are very diverse. I think we all really did, or do, love or are very fond of the men we married. Some of us also thought that we could make a real go of the marriage, that our attraction to other women was what every woman feels, you just don't act on it, or we knew exactly what it was and thought we could just learn to be straight, be good citizens and all that.

When it becomes unbearable to continue to live in the lie, and we decide to come out, it is often our husbands whom we tell first. It is scary as hell for us, but it is a full on body blow by an 18 wheeler to them. We know why we married and suppressed our feelings for other women, but our husbands rarely do. Many did not really suspect at all, most knew something was not right, but could not put their finger on it. Some, like my husband, suspected it for a long time, but hoped he was wrong, and some are completely clueless and are taken by complete, total surprise.

I know that when I divorced my husband, I hurt him a lot. And I know that because I didn't tell him upfront about being a lesbian, but told him months later, I hurt him all over again. I know that when he told the boys before I did, that it hurt them, some of what they felt was I couldn't trust them, that I was ashamed to tell them, and that I lied to them.

We may have believed it was wrong, unnatural or a sinful part of ourselves. Or some of us wanted kids, a husband and a family because that is how we believed it should be. Or we just didn't have the courage it takes to live a way that many feel is wrong, it goes against their beliefs so they just don't want to accept that it exists. Much of this was covered in How could I have stayed in the closet so long?

Whenever and however you do reach the point of coming out to him, your husband's self esteem is going to get clobbered. He is going to think he drove you to it, that if he was enough of a man, you wouldn't be a lesbian. His "libido" is going to shrink smaller than jumping into the Arctic Sea would make it. And it is going to take time for him to understand any of it.

After the initial shock, they may think you are joking, or they will be in denial. If you don't say you have a girlfriend, their first question will likely be have you slept with someone yet? If you haven't, they may be more likely to tell you it is a phase or fantasy and how can you be sure? A few will even find the idea exciting at first, a turn on, they may see this as a chance to live out a "threesome" fantasy. Most of them, once you convince them, are eventually going to be angry. Really angry. Even the most docile of men is going to feel this. Many will call you names, tell you to leave right now, if religious he may threaten to take the kids away from you, seeing you as a sinner, corrupting his children. And some may become physically violent.

Some will be absolutely understanding from the beginning and want only the best for you and the kids, they may even want to remain married, sometimes in name only, and have an open marriage. You would be surprised at the number of marriages in this country where one of the spouses is gay, and they have an open marriage. Most often the man is gay, and the wife stays for the sake of the kids and his career, but it is not unheard of the other way around. Or they may agree to an amicable divorce and work with you to ensure that the kids are really put first.

Believe it or not, a fair majority of the husbands eventually accept it, deal with it, truly want what is best for the kids and will always remain a part of your life. How soon they can get to that place depends a lot on them and a lot on us. It really helps if right away we let them know it isn't their fault and they couldn't have done anything different. It helps if they are open to a support group like the Straight Spouse Network or therapy with someone who has helped others in the same situation. (not the ex-gay ones, OK?) It helps if we can get across to them that we lied most to ourselves. And it helps if we do not say things like;

“If you loved me you’d understand I have to be me”
“If you were a better husband I wouldn’t have ‘experimented’”
“I’m not gay, I just love that person”
“I’m not asking you to forgive me, because there is nothing to forgive. This is normal for me.”
“After all, you’re the only man I’ve had sex with”.

Those quotes came from the Straight Spouse Network as the number one things our spouses don't want to hear. They do love us, but we are telling them we aren't who they always thought we were, it isn't their fault and we should never blame them, and somehow, the straight spouse can let go a little easier if they understand right off that we are indeed gay, they tend to hold on to false hope that it is only a phase if we tell them "I just fell in love with the person", sometimes though, I know, it is hard to even admit finally to ourselves we are gay. Oh, and there is a hell of a lot we have to ask them to forgive us for. And we should ask them for forgiveness, and allow them come to a point where they can. He may have been building a whole life around "us" and we just ripped it apart. And the "only man" comment is going to lead him again to hold out hope that you will grow tired of "the fling" and come back to him.

To be continued........

Meet The Boys: From a late in life family.

Let me introduce you to "my boys" Oh they are older now, but I love this picture, I always have. (I am the Mother, I choose the pictures.) The big smiley one in the front is James. And the one with the knowing look in the back is Kevin. He is the oldest. Kevin is 18 now, he will be 19 in a few months. James is everything you mothers of girls warn them about. Just ask Lorrie. He is 16 now. He can charm..... well you know the rest. The boys were, for much of their life, raised in a so called "traditional family." At the time I would have told you we were were a "close" family. That I was really close with my boys. Their father and I were married until Kevin was 15 and James 13. I divorced their father before I came out publicly.

Kevin and I had a talk last night. He is living with me again. He moved out last October. We hadn't been on very good terms since last spring and things came to a head finally and it was best that he move out. He has since made real progress with a lot of things and I have also learned how to express my momness in a way that he can deal with better. He has Asperger syndrome. He was diagnosed rather late, so communicating verbally correctly is more important with him than with someone who can read body language and understand vocal cues. It is something I am only really now beginning to understand. Kevin has made huge progress in learning to look for the clues the rest of us just seem to see.

We had a good talk. We talked about his dad, that his dad really is a good guy at heart, but that the alcohol had really ruined some of the good, but that he still loved him, as he should, how he missed his brother living away, how he got his GED and has returned to Adult School to get his high school diploma as well. (one issue causing momness was his dropping out last year! YIKES) He has been seriously looking for work but it hasn't been easy in this economy, but he has had some good interviews and he has an in (me) where I work. ( His efforts last year were nil, another issue for momness.)

And then he said "it really freaked James and I out when you came out Mom." and went on to another subject. I said, wait a minute, you can't drop that A-bomb and just go on Kev, you have to explain that one to me. He said OK we will talk about it tomorrow. Ummmm NOPE, we are talking about it tonight or I won't sleep at all.

After the initial shock of me coming out, and some really dumb jokes in bad taste, the boys have been fine, it has been a non issue, I thought. They have told me several times that growing up they really never felt I loved them, not knowing I had killed all my emotions to stay in the closet.

"Yeah, you really changed a lot after you came out. You dressed completely different, you talked different, you acted different and you even smoked different cigarettes all of a sudden."

He was right, when I came out I dressed more feminine, a little younger even, not really "old lady trying to look like a teenager", LOL, but I started wearing a little sexier clothes. I let my hair grow a bit, I lost weight, I did speak differently. I didn't mumble as much, I voiced my opinions, I speak with more authority in my voice than I used to. (The cigarettes were cheaper, no other reason) I sat up straighter, I was more outgoing than I was before. I was also newly in love and I was glowing with it. (I am and I still do!) I thought the changes were good.

It never occurred to me that to have their mother change literally, in their eyes, overnight was freaky. Even good change. But I see it now. He let me discuss my view of the change too. And he listened. And then I listened some more. He hugged me good night and I hugged him back and told him how much I really loved him. He said he knows I do now.

James is not as vocal as his brother is about such things. We have had a few, (for James that is a lot) discussions about some of what Kevin talked about last night. But I hadn't put it all together. James is much happier that I show more emotion now too and knows how much I love him. We joke a bit more and we got to know each other better the last 7 months with just the two of us. It was really nice. But he is glad Kevin is back. I am too. Very glad.

We are becoming a closer family now that I have come out. Their father moved to California last year, they still talk to him on the phone, send each other letters and DVD's and they are going to visit him this summer. He has stopped drinking and smoking and he has gotten better at communicating with both of them as well. He and I can talk now, as the best friends we always really were. And as the parents of children should.

We aren't very much a "traditional family" anymore. But for us anyway, that definition of family never fit very well, it was unnatural, we just didn't know it at the time. Our family now means we trust each other enough to talk about things, even uncomfortable things, we aren't afraid to grow together or admit our mistakes, we aren't afraid nor incapable of showing love for each other and best of all, the boys see and feel that I love them unconditionally and they know it in their hearts as well. They know now their father does too.

Our new definition fits us much better. Finally we are a real family...naturally.

A Great Time In Oklahoma!

Lorrie finally made it to Oklahoma!!! LOL Saturday around 1pm!!!!!!! OMG I thought those 15 extra hours were going to kill me and Lorrie too.......she did finally make it into town and we had a great time. My sister and brother-in-law drove out to Oklahoma City and picked me up Friday since Lorrie wasn't going to be there and I spent the night at their house. It was wonderful to see them again and we had a great time talking and catching up. It is the first time I had been to their place and it is adorable. We also went out to their 25 acres where they are getting ready to build their dream house.
Both of them are fantastic cooks, he made the most amazing Mexican and Italian food and my sister baked like crazy for us. She made me this homemade chocolate cake from scratch that was to die for and these little loaf cakes too. I feel like I gained 10 pounds!
I just got home, so we will have to blog more about this later.
I feel much better after spending time with Lorrie of course~and should be less cranky for a little while............

This Semester is Almost Over....And I Have Been Thinking...Again...

And it can't end soon enough!!! I over loaded my schedule and then work started requiring OT and Saturdays too! County libraries do not seem to be having too many financial troubles this year damn it.

This Friday, Lorrie and I are traveling to my little sister's place, I just got an email from her with an itinerary, OMG NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have told her several times we just want to visit and relax, but she seems bound and determined to force us to see Oklahoma. Sigh. I think Lorrie's and my patience will be sorely tested. At least we aren't driving out to her place the first night, we will stay near the airport. We need that "re-connecting" time, we sure do, we so very much do, WE SVFGDMUCH DO!!!!!!!!!! sooooo......can we change our plane reservations to say, maybe, Chicago??? What do you think Baby?? LOL.

I love my little sister very much and she is very excited to be meeting Lorrie and all, I guess we can't disappoint her...I guess.....after all she was the first family member, after the ex and my boys, I came out to and she has always been very, very, very supportive and happy for me.

She and I are really only a year apart, and most of the time growing up it felt like we were not just sisters but twins. Still, I used to pay her a dollar sometimes NOT to hang out with my friends and I, when she was pesty sometimes, (Gawd I was a mean sister!) but my friends were her friends too as hers were mine also. She would come find us after about an hour anyway, and I didn't always have another dollar, LOL.

I wish my sister lived in another state, traveling to the South right now doesn't feel so comfortable. Lorrie and I have become used to holding hands in public without much thought, we've stayed here in Reno or Philly or gone to cities that are more forward thinking. My sister isn't sure what we may encounter if we were to do that there, she said probably just name calling, no violence. It is a college town at least, but we won't hold hands just to be safe.

What a thought, that here, in the United States, we have to monitor our natural feelings of love and affection for each other to avoid verbal or even physical abuse.

I have read some comments about LGBT activists lately, they say that we just want to push our lifestyle on other people. They wouldn't hurt so much but they have been written by LGBT people themselves. I really don't care if someone doesn't wish to advocate for equal rights. We are after all a large group of people who believe most of the bad that is said about us. I have found many in the community just want things to quiet down and quit drawing attention to ourselves. If we didn't believe the bad, we would have made a bigger noise in the early 70's after Stonewall and Anita Bryant, Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson began the Anti-Gay Industry. We believe it because that is how we were raised, it is deeply ingrained.

But advocating for every human being's equal rights is something I do. I have for most of my life. It hasn't always been LGBT rights, it had been for every ethnic minority, every disabled person and every woman. It is LGBT rights right now, because this time it is the most personal.

Why do I fight for human rights? I seem to have been born with, or very early on developed, something in me that finds injustice of any kind offensive. Really offensive. See, I believe all human beings are born free and equal in dignity and rights. They are endowed with reason and conscience and should act towards one another in a spirit of brotherhood. I do not seek a Utopia, I don't believe they exist. But I do believe that when the majority of people treat each other as they themselves wish to be treated, then we can have a better, if not perfect world.

That LGBT people are discriminated against, in their day to day lives, within the courts, within their places of employment and in housing, is injustice of the worst kind. Life isn't always fair, but we should always strive to make it JUST. After all, don't we talk about judgment day? In the end, justice will always be served.

I do not seek anything at all for LGBT persons except freedom from fear, the freedom to live where we want, the freedom to work where we want, the freedom to choose as my heir the person I love, but most of all, I fight for the freedom to love fully and completely whom my heart has chosen.

I fight because I have hope that people will become more accepting, I hope because then the next generation of LGBT youth may not have to hate themselves so much, that women like me do not take such drastic measures to deny who they are so that their family will love them. I have hope that no more men, women and children will be hurt and families torn apart because we married so we could become more acceptable to society as a whole, but then found that life utterly unbearable. I hope we are more accepted so that gay men, lesbian women, bi-sexuals and transgender folks are no longer called names, beaten and murdered.

I fight because right now, our society has made being gay so evil, so wretched, that two boys, from two different cities, recently committed suicide because their school peers kept calling them gay. These boys did not identify as gay, they were both 11, they both believed being called gay was so bad, so awful they no longer wished to live.

You don't have to fight for your rights, there will always be people that will do it for you, I don't have to fight either, there will always be someone else. I just need to, it is who I am. I like who I am.

I had to share this piece from D. Allan Kerr......

The other day, I read a post on Pam's House Blend, and they mentioned this article by D. Allen Kerr, someone who's bio bit looks like this: D. Allan Kerr is a struggling novelist and former newspaper reporter who now spends his days wrestling with lobsters.
Can I just say, they need to add "and a noble man" to that. I mean that in the truest sense of the word. I would hope my sons can someday look at the world the way he does.
He has graciously allowed me to reprint the article in full to use on Blogging for Truth. I hope you all take a few to read it. It takes just one candle to start pushing away the dark.

A Battle Hymn for Equality

By D. Allan Kerr

Published March 18, 2009
Seacoastonline.com
Reprinted in full (on Blogging For Truth) by the gracious permission of the author.

There’s a segment of our society which would suggest homosexuals are my enemy; this same segment tells homosexuals I do not believe in their cause. These are individuals who believe other people should be prevented from exercising the same rights they themselves enjoy – even if these other people pay their taxes, contribute to society, and obey the laws of the land.

A bill recently introduced into the Maine legislature would allow residents to marry someone of the same sex, presumably if they are both consenting adults. Now those supporting and opposing the measure are each marshalling their forces for battle in the months ahead – the battle for your heart, your mind and your vote. Both sides will claim to speak for the majority, but in the end you will most likely have the opportunity to speak for yourself.

I have nothing to gain from this proposal. I am euphorically heterosexual, married to a partner who is quite literally the woman of my dreams. We have three strong sons and a little girl with the twinkling face of an angel, who will celebrate her first birthday this very weekend...

you can read the full article on Blogging for Truth or Seacoastonline.

No More Fear and Lies

As yesterday was National Coming Out Day, and the premier of this blog, I have to confess something, I am only "sort of" out of the closet. I came out to my ex-husband, he outed me to my teenage sons, who didn't say anything to me about it, until I came out to them a few months later. They said they already knew "cause Dad told us".
My oldest took it pretty well, but he has several gay friends. My youngest didn't understand how I could have lied to myself for so long, but in the last two years, he seems to have finally come to grips with that. I too have come to grips with it.
I have since come out to two of my three sisters, my mother (who just prefers to ignore it), all of my friends, my two immediate supervisors, who wanted to know why I fly to Philadelphia all the time, LOL, and some of my co-workers. I have not come out to my brother, who is an evangelical Christian and I don't see much of him anyway, we live about 1000 miles apart. For the past 10 years, we only talk on holidays. He has never asked even if I am dating someone, so I just don't tell. I haven't come out to my father either. He has very strong ideas about things. Maybe I better leave it at that. If he ever asks about my social life, I will not lie though.
When I was young, homosexuality was still considered a mental disease, a crime in many states and my 2nd cousin had jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge in the early 70's mainly because our family could not accept him. In my mind, I couldn't be gay because I wasn't crazy and I came from a family where it seem to matter more what the neighbors thought than what we did. All the things I believed about myself and life were really just fear and lies.
Those lies kept me from even acting on my deep crushes, caused me to stay married to an alcoholic for 18 years and kept the best parts of me frozen as well. I have realized that by holding in check the feelings I had for women, I stunted all my other feelings as well.
One of the many amazing things to happen to me over the past two years is a discovery the I am passionate! About love, about living, about wanting to help others, about music and really about everything! Especially about Lorrie, the love and passion there is indescribable and boundless.
Romantic movies now make sense to me. I love music now! I have always loved art, but now it moves me like never before. I cry now too. And it is GOOD! I feel more a WOMAN now too! I have become much less "tom boy" as I have grown to accept myself.
I have tried not to have any regrets about my life, I do wish I had been stronger when I was younger and not so afraid to be honest about myself. I only know that the next 40+ years looks very wonderful to me!