Saturday, February 28, 2009

The Ready Point

I came out to a friend this week. She has known for a very long time I wasn’t happy in my marriage and I knew recently she was confused by my trips to Reno and trips I would take without my kids. The Lorrie she knew would not willingly and continually take vacations without her kids. And no, ten years ago when my kids were little I wouldn’t have. That brings me to the thought that maybe that is the reason that 10 years ago I would not have let my thoughts continually travel to my attraction to women. Yes, those thoughts would creep up from time to time; but I would think about them for a few minutes and then shove them back down deep because they didn’t fit into my life. I had little kids to raise, a job to excel at, a house to take care of and a husband…. Well the husband was too busy working and self absorbed into his hobbies and interests to worry too much about what was going on with me and the kids…so I have to say his presence alone would not have stopped me from exploring my attraction to women much earlier.
I guess that brings me to one of the reasons for this blog. Before you can admit and come to terms with your attraction to women or I guess any major awakening in your life, you have to be at a point in your life where you are ready for it! Three years ago, I was there. My kids were not babies anymore, they were 12 and 7…they still needed me but were capable of doing many things on their own allowing me more free time ….time to think…time to allow those thoughts to creep up more often..and I no longer wanted to push them back down. I wanted to explore them! Also, both of my parents had passed away within the previous 4 years leading me to not only examine their lives and happiness in their lives but also to examine my happiness in my life. I came to realize that life is too short to not explore all of your feelings, especially the ones that are going to give you great happiness. Stop suppressing feelings. Start exploring them. Start living your life the way you want.
Now, back to coming out to my friend. She took it well when I told her about my love for Rebecca. She took it well when I told her about the state of my marriage. My H and I are staying together for now, for the kids; we are roommates and co parents. But other than that, I am with Rebecca and he is pursuing other relationships. She was OK with that because the kids have a great life and are happy.
The only statement she seemed to have an issue with is: “I am gay.” Her immediate response was “You are not gay, you are bi.” I am sure this is her way of dealing with it. We have been friends for over 20 years and were even roommates at one point. I decided if thinking I was bi made her feel more comfortable, then that was OK. Maybe friends (family, coworkers) also have to be at the point in there life where they are ready to accept your gayness. We have dealt with our gayness for many years; even when we were suppressing it we were still dealing with it in some ways. We can’t expect those that we come out to, to be totally accepting immediately. They need to get to the ready point just like we did.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Finding New Friends

Lately, there have been a number of things I have wanted to blog about, but I have been having a kind of writers block, seriously. I think it is because this semester, all my classes are requiring me to write A LOT! Tons, actually, and the classes that I do not have to write so much in, are still requiring more homework from me.
One of the things I really have been wanting to do on here is promote some of the other blogs I really enjoy reading. Some are by late in life lesbians, some are by "realized it in my 20's after trying the straight thing" and some are lesbians that are just plain fun to read.
Since starting this blog, I have discovered a few blogs by women like Lorrie and I, not exactly like us, but going through the same process of coming out and finding their identities and loves. Or loves and then identities.....One thing I have noticed is that each of us must follow our own path, and what I really like about each of these is that while taking different paths, we seem to all be ending up very much in love and on our way to healing our pasts. My favorite blogs so far in this category are:
In the category of general lesbian themed blogs:
In the category of Lesbian's of Faith:
And in activist/political and coming out:
If you have some favorite blogs, go ahead and use the comments to let us know about them!
Hope to be writing more soon!!!

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Gay and Gray

Don't think I like the "gay and gray" expression, but the article in this months More magazine is one we can relate to:

Sunday, February 15, 2009

It's the Little Things....

Sharing the bathroom as we get dressed

Watching her drink her coffee

Pushing the cart in the grocery store for her

Holding her hand while I am driving the car

Running my fingers across her back while walking around

Feeling her fingers on my back while walking around

Sitting at a restaurant rubbing my leg against hers under the table

Watching her expressions as she talks to me

Watching her expressions as she looks at me

Helping her put a necklace on

Running my hands through her hair

Feeling so at home and happy when I am in the same room with her

Watching her laugh…I love to watch her laugh

Laughing with her

Touching her face as I look at her

Opening the door for her

Her opening the door for me

Talking with her face to face…about anything and everything..Oh yes!

….I’m sure there are many many more things. Little things that make me fall even deeper in love with her every time we are together. And the little things that make me miss her so very very much when we are apart.
Rebecca, I love the little things…of course, I love the big things too!! But most of all, I LOVE YOU….totally and completely!!

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

The Only Agenda Really Is Love

Two years ago was probably the first time Lorrie and I ever mentioned marriage and our views on it. It was about then that we realized we really were in love, that it wasn't just a crush or fabulous lust, although those things were and still are, certainly involved, LOL.
Our discussion was simple, no way, no how. I personally had been referring to marriage as the pre-divorce ceremony for a number of years. And besides, why did we need to get married anyway, what I have will go to my kids, and what Lorrie has, will go to hers we said.
But then when we were together I would find myself holding back from blurting out "will you marry me?" And one time Lorrie confessed she felt the same way. Again we reiterated we didn't really want to get married and besides, Lorrie, technically, already is. We were just feeling the love so to speak.
So in November I Joined The Impact and have marched and demonstrated in Reno. I have written an article on Pam's House Blend about "traditional Biblical" marriage in order to point out the hypocrisy of the anti marriage folk and show how fluid and encompassing the concept of marriage really is. I have posted to many forums about why same-sex marriage isn't such a silly idea and that the amendments in many states are really unconstitutional under the 14th amendment.
Why? Because damn it, someday I really, really want to stand up before our friends and family and celebrate my love for and with the woman I am already spiritually joined with in a truer marriage than my previous one ever was. I wouldn't mind a commitment ceremony, it certainly says I love you and I am completely committed to Lorrie. But I personally am offended by the anti love amendments, I want it to be a full fledged union that is recognized as legitimate in every State in America damn it! I know it's already legitimate, Lorrie knows our love is legitimate, but I want MY COUNTRY, where my ancestors have lived for 200+ years and have founded two towns, where I pay my taxes, have raised my children to be good citizens, where I would fight and die personally for all our freedoms, to say that my love is equal under the law and deserving of all the rights and privileges that I hold so sacred as an American.
I want Lorrie and I to marry (if she'll have me) as full citizens of the United States.
Oh, when she was here last week, I finally told her I really do want to marry her, I think she liked the idea.....

Friday, February 6, 2009

Loved Our Weekend

What a wonderfully fantastic long weekend we had!!!!!!!! Everytime we spend time together I think is it possible for me to fall MORE in love with this woman....and everytime my answer is YES IT IS!!! REBECCA, I LOVE YOU SO INCREDIBLY MUCH...BEYONDLY!!!
The hardest thing to do is leave, to know that we won't see each other for a few months. We try to hold back the tears when saying "good bye for now".....sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't..this time it didn't work for me. But as I told Rebecca, they are not sad tears..they are I will miss you so much, I love you and I am so happy you love me tears!
So here we are, back to our lives with our kids and our jobs....talking to each other every day...and loving each other even more than we did one week ago. Yes, long distance relationships may be difficult at times...but all I can say is this long distance relationship is so worth it...and we continue to work towards making it a close distance (no distance) relationship!!!
Oh....and we figured out the absolute best way to watch the Superbowl ever!!! In the hot tub, holding each other...and more...sipping on our Chi-Chi's (lol, yes that is a mixed drink!) with the superbowl playing on the TV in front of us....what a game!

I wanted to attach this link that I just ran across on another site...take a look and sign the letter: The video is very touching!

Have a Great Weekend!! On the east coast we are finally getting a long awaited thaw :)
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