Forgiving Those Around Us

When we come out, or are coming out, we often need to work through becoming a whole person. Part of what we need to do to become the person we were created to be is not to just forgive ourselves for our own past mistakes, but we need to learn how to forgive others as well. Sometimes, a lot of others. Accepting that we must do this and learning how will serve us well the rest of our out and proud lives. When we don't forgive we are simply re-living the pain and anger daily.

Forgiveness is an essential ingredient to releasing and letting go of the past and eliminating the need to re-create pain in our life, which is reflected in our relationships with others.

Forgiveness does not mean ‘letting another person off the hook’. It means 'regaining' ourselves and being free to create the life we want, which includes love, success and happiness. When we don’t forgive, we make someone else’s behavior "about us". We carry their dysfunctions and make them our own. We also take a great deal of this person’s negative karma for them. - Melanie Evans

Forgiveness is, as G. de Purucker says, “one of the steps to divine love. True forgiveness is the refusing to bear resentment, nourish a grudge, cultivate hatred; and forgiveness means also to cleanse your heart of these degrading impulses.” Forgiveness is then an active condition, one we choose to do. It might be easier to forgive if, when wronged, we take a step back from our own anger and hurt, and ask: What is going on in their lives and past experiences that could have made them act that way? We don't do this to excuse their behavior but to try to understand it. It seems when we can try to understand others, it becomes easier for us to truly forgive.

Love, when it comes to forgiveness is about the love of others and love of self necessary to bring true acceptance, repentance and forgiveness for wrong doings and also leads to freeing ourselves to be the person we were meant to be. Self love battles victimization and can lead a person from shame or pity to forgive themselves as well as others.

The following seven stages were swiped right out of The Feeling Soul: A Roadmap to Healing and Living:

Stage 1- Admit You Are Angry!

Many of us will echo the thoughts “What? I’m not supposed to get angry! I’ve done all this healing work!” I’ve learned that it is harmful to get angry but it is more harmful to be angry and not admit it! The way to check if you are angry is to observe your inner dialogue about how you are relating to yourself and others. Are you finding yourself being negative, critical or frustrated? Do you find yourself being impatient with people and critical of how things are done? Are you constantly blaming others for your troubles, wishing that others would change? If so, then it is likely you are angry. Try to recognize what you are angry about. It may not be the little things, but something that happened months ago. Look back in time to what might have triggered your anger and where your expression has been blocked. Bitterness is anger with no outlet to be heard or feeling that you can not change anything. It is a form of helplessness. Try to discover what you are bitter about. Make a list of resentments. Don’t hold back or edit your thoughts. Being honest with yourself is the first step in healing anger.

Stage 2- Acknowledge the Loss and Consequences

In order to fully forgive, you need to look at the consequences of the event. By consequences, I do not mean just emotional pain. Look at the past and the present, and honestly note any changes. Were you physically injured? Were you emotionally hurt? Did you suffer financial loss? What other types of losses occurred? Was there harm to other relationships? To achieve lasting forgiveness it is important to acknowledge all the losses, otherwise forgiveness will have to be revisited. When listing the losses and consequences, try to look objectively at the incident without investing in the emotions around the losses at this time.

Stage 3 - Submit to a Feeling of Vulnerability

The next stage in forgiveness is to open your self up to change and dissonance. You can not spread butter when it is hard and cold. Forgiveness does not come easily when your ideas, thoughts of revenge or justice are hardened. You must retreat and re-examine your approach. Just like a pound of butter, if you want to forgive and heal, you need to let your ideas thaw and be molded into a new perspective, combined with other ideas and views. You need to admit that to harbor anger and resentments violates the laws of kindness and compassion both for yourself and other people. You must realize that in not forgiving, you are now betraying the person at whom you are angry. This is not an easy step. It can be painful to realize that it is you who needs to change, and that it is you who has the poison of anger and resentment. It is easy to build up a wall of justification around your thoughts, actions and feelings regarding the harm done to you. In order to heal and forgive, you need to break through the wall and tear it down completely!

This stage of forgiveness also requires you look at whether there was any responsibility on your part. In some cases there was none, in some cases, you may have taken action which contributed to the decision. In this case, it may be hard for you to admit that you caused part of your own suffering as it is easier to blame others than to take any responsibility. This stage requires an honest, fearless, kind and moral inventory of your own actions and behavior. Sometimes you may not like what you find, but facing your shadow can be one of the most powerful healing experiences. See if you can find some common ground.

Stage 4 – Stop Punishing

One of the common behaviors of people is to try to punish those who have harmed us. Most studies have shown that punishment rarely teaches anything other than to resent the person doing the punishing! Some of the ways you may punish are by withholding companionship, giving someone the silent treatment, or even giving compliments but then taking it back with an insult. You may try to go further with legal action, or you may try to damage things that the other person prizes. Another method of punishment is gossiping about the other person. In order to truly forgive, you need to give up the expectation that the other person will be punished. You can ask that the other person make amends for their harm, but if they refuse or are unable to make amends, then releasing them from the idea of punishment frees you from lingering resentment.

There is great wisdom in the following Buddhist teaching – “Should one person ignorantly do wrong, and another ignorantly becomes angry with him, who would be at fault? And who would be without fault?” It is far better to try to forgive, and reintegrate your friends back into community than to ostracize and alienate them through punishment. Try to practice compassion, work at developing a deeper understanding of how and why people behave. It seems that we prefer a simple explanation of things, yet you need to understand that human beings and the relationships between each other are complex. Understanding the ways of the world and the people in the world requires wisdom and self control. Use the opportunity to forgive as a means of growth!

Stage 5 – Identify Some Good in the Other Person

This step, finding some good in the other person is probably the most crucial step in bringing about lasting forgiveness. It can also be the hardest depending on the severity of the event you are trying to forgive.

According to Francis Bacon, the key to forgiveness is in “not expecting the other to change, to give love, to be kind and develop the ability to see that in everyone else’s eyes and heart there is some good.” In forgiving, you try not to think of yourself as being good and the other person bad. You can find it easier to forgive if you can understand that the other person has difficulties too, or was harmed in the past.

If you do not practice this step, then forgiveness will be futile because it will be done with a sense of contempt for the other person. If you can not find good in the other person, then at least pray for them. A wonderful technique for developing your vision of good in another is to imagine a seed of goodness in their heart, and in prayer imagine that both you and God are watering it to make it grow stronger. Better yet is to image that each person already has this great flower of goodness in them already. Admit that it has been obscured from your view because of your anger, resentment and justifications. Learn to look for the good. At first, like developing any skill, it is challenging. You will become better at it with practice!

Stage 6 – Develop Genuine Neutrality

Hopefully in the process of forgiveness you will come to resolve any negative emotions and thoughts about yourself and the other person or organization. To do so requires that you do not expect or demand any payment or restitution after forgiveness. You must assume that there is no debt owed to you. Mother Theresa once said “it is between God and myself, it was never between me and them anyway.” This must be practiced daily. It is easy to slip into anger and resentment if you do not cultivate a practice of neutrality. Depending on the severity of the event, you may choose to not have any further contact with the person, but if you meet them by chance, you want to have a sense of neutrality and a sense of calmness instead of avoidance.

Stage 7 – Stay in the Present

“Bury the hatchet” is a phrase you may have heard many times. There is wisdom to this phrase if you understand its original meaning. The phrase comes from spiritual traditions of North American Indians who would put all weapons out of site while smoking a peace pipe. For your own forgiveness work, you must keep the original wound out of sight, or out of present mind. It is necessary to acknowledge what happened, to not forget it, but also not drag it up again as a fresh wound. Resurrecting the event and bringing it up again with the person who harmed you will cause you to feel the associated feelings again. Balance your memory of the event with your memory of the forgiveness work you have done. Practice loving those you don’t feel warmth towards.

All of your forgiveness work can be undone, and the resentment rekindled if you begin to dwell on the event again. If you begin to rerun your mind’s movie of the harm, then you may find yourself in an angry and hurt state again. It is the nature of your mind to ruminate, and therefore you must develop self-discipline and remind yourself that you have completed forgiveness work around this issue. Thank your mind for the intrusive thought, and send it off into the far reaches of the universe! Refuse to bring the past into the present again, as it will re-trigger you back into hurt and anger. Continually rise above the injury! Practice compassion and unconditional love towards all people!

And lastly, remember what forgiveness is not:

• Letting wrongdoers off the hook,
• Failing to hold people accountable for their actions,
• Forgetting, denying, ignoring, or overlooking the wrongs that have occurred,
• Repressing genuine feelings of hurt, anger, or hate.
• Condoning, excusing, or justifying bad behavior, unkindness, or abuse or becoming complicit in continuing it,
• Denying, minimizing, or excusing your hurt or your feelings,
• Condemning the offender, demonstrating they deserve to know they are wrong, or that you are morally superior.
• Contingent on seeking justice or compensation. It is not a bi-lateral transaction; it is a unilateral act of generosity.
• Placation or simply calming down. While equanimity is valuable, forgiveness requires more than a superficial tranquility.
• Insincere, thoughtless, casual, often easy, or a sign of weakness.
• Equivalent to trust. Forgiveness can be given, but trust must be earned.
• Contingent on religious beliefs.

The Not Yet Ex's, The Ex's And The Kids, part IV

This series hopes to explore what our husbands and children go through when we decide to come out of the closet. Click here for Part I, Part II and Part III

All of our experiences in coming out have things in common as well as many differences, just as we have a before and after, our children also have a before and after. When we changed our lives, the lives of those closest to us were also changed forever.

As each child is different and in a different place, I think it might be best to listen to the voices of the kids themselves in this:

The first comments are by Abigail Garner, author of: Families Like Mine: Children of Gay Parents Tell It Like It Is. The following is her answer to "Isn’t it confusing and complicated for a young child to have two moms or two dads?"

Only when people tell them it’s confusing and complicated.

When my nephew was five, he was talking on the phone with my father and said, “Grampa, you weren’t home yesterday when I called so I talked to Grampa.” For my nephew, it is completely normal and acceptable to have two grandpas in one house who love him dearly. It gets complicated when a teacher, a friend, or a friend’s parent says, “That’s impossible. You can’t have two grampas in the same house. Which one is REALLY your grampa?” This situation happens time and time again for very young people who are not confused by the love that comes from their family. Speaking from experience, the younger children are when they learn a family member is LGBT, the more accepting they are.

What I knew as a child and what I still know is that I was always wanted and always loved by the caring adults who raised me. I have never doubted that for a second. To a child, there is NOTHING complicated or confusing about having parents who love them.

The struggles that typically come from having a LGBT parent are not because the parent(s) are LGBT, but because the children hear messages everyday that remind them that plenty of people question the validity of their families. This is understandably wearing and frustrating, but it is not the result of parents being LGBT. It is the result of living in a homophobic society.

Most of the quotes below are from queerspawn.community:

Juliana, whose father came out in 2005, believes her family lived a lie for decades.

James, my own son, also became angry at the lie because he felt that he and Kevin were not born of love but simply as a cover for my own sexuality. Kevin just hated the divorce.

Ryan Enschede, 34, was an adult when his parents divorced and his father came out as gay. “I think growing up I missed a male heterosexual role model, and I think I missed the role models of parents in a good relationship,” he says. “I think my growing-up experience has contributed to my adult feeling of being an outsider in our American culture.” Still, Enschede enjoys the vibe of being around gay men and maintains optimism about the power of queerspawn to transform the world. “We’re a large enough group to have some clout,” he says. “Our mere existence as a visible active group could force social/political change within the gay world which supports gay families, as well as the Religious Right world which condemns it.”

Cassie - "My name is Cassie, and my mom came out when I was eight. That I knew of, at least...she was out for some time before then. My parents divorced at that time and my mom moved to Vermont with her partner, Bridgette, who is still her partner now. They've been together for almost 12 years now, and they are my real parents more than my step-mom and my dad ever were.

I myself am bisexual, but that has nothing to do with my parents influence. I have a younger brother who was only three when my parents split, and he basically has been completely raised by two women, and he is straight. I also have a younger sister, who is asexual. :P I am active in the gay rights community - I wrote an essay about it on Fictionpress, and I talked to the Vermont senator at the time before civil unions were legal about my family and why I did not think it was fair that they were not able to get rights.

I think we're like any other family - I just happen to have been raised by two women instead of a woman and a man."

Ryan - "As a child of divorce I know how heart-breaking it is for family, friends and the kids. I remember when my biological parents divorced - mom and dad - when I was about 9. My grandmother died and my dog was run over by a truck passing by. Can we say trauma. The divorce seemed to be the one thing that I could fix, there was hope.

What I didn't know was that there was much more going on under the surface. They had fallen out of love. And mom had moved on. Soon after Mom met Sue. Mom and Dad had been together just about 10 years, Mom and Sue have been together 22. Mom followed love not gender. The two need to be separated when we look at gay divorce. The big difference is that kids are protected in a legal marriage. What happens when our parents fall out of love and then the courts fall out of recognition of their relationship."

Chelsia Rice, who grew up in a lesbian-headed family gave the following speech at a marriage equality rally in Portland, Oregon on Valentine's Day 2005:

What wasn’t easy is how society dealt with my family and how same-sex families are still treated today. The opposition says that if same-sex marriages are legally recognized, “Schools will be forced to teach that the homosexual family is normal.” Well, if the schools would have even come close to recognizing my family’s existence in a classroom - it would’ve made my life a lot easier. But, because we had to remain closeted to remain safe, it took me 13-years to meet another kid with lesbian parents. And when she approached me at school and told me she had lesbian mothers too, we celebrated and we instantly became friends. But regardless of knowing someone else, I still had no one to help protect me from societies scorn; I still had to defend myself from a barrage of bullies.

And it wasn’t just my peers – who often made spectacles of me in classes by passing notes and spreading rumors - in grade school, the PTA gathered to warn other parents that my mother might teach them how to be lesbians resulting in a huge loss of childhood friends who were no longer allowed to hang out with me, spend the night at my house, or come to my birthday parties. And when Measure 9 was on the ballot in the early 90s, even some of my high school instructors posted YES on 9 signs in their classrooms and on their desks. I even had one teacher who made us listen to Rush Limbaugh during lab. Not to mention, our house was vandalized several time during that election year.

Did I feel resentment and anger toward my family and society? Absolutely. Would I change a thing? Never.

Resources for coming out to your children and resources FOR your children:

COLAGE on coming out to your children COLAGE is a national movement of children, youth, and adults with one or more lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and/or queer (LGBTQ) parents. We build community and work toward social justice through youth empowerment, leadership development, education, and advocacy.



About.com Lesbian Life, How To Come Out To Your Child


How It Feels to Have a Gay or Lesbian Parent: A Book by Kids for Kids of All Ages


And PFLAG, Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays

Would I have come out still, knowing what I know now? About how it might have affected the ex and the kids? Yes, absolutely. I know I could not have staying in the closet any longer, but I think it could have been handled a lot better if I had taken the time to find things out first. Or had even known where to begin to look for answers.

What everything comes down to is: the real damage seems to come from influences outside of our control. The beliefs of others, and their comments we and our children hear from peers, the media and other adults who have negative opinions about LGBT folk hurt us all on so many different levels.

The best we can do is to do the best we can everyday, and try to remember that in the end, love always defeats hate....

The Not Yet Ex's, The Ex's And The Kids, part III

This series hopes to explore what our husbands and children go through when we decide to come out of the closet. Part III will attempt to address some of the worst case scenarios in our coming out process and how we can prepare to protect ourselves.

These issues are especially hard to think and talk about, it is hard on so many levels. But like bridgeout from Building or Burning Bridges in the Community commented, we need to know to keep ourselves safe and strong. Knowing is power, if you know, you can prepare. Fear defeats more people than any other one thing in the world. - Emerson

If you are wanting to come out, and reading this, it is important to keep in mind what lies at the end of this journey: joy, light, authenticity and, most of all, the freedom to be known and loved for who you really are.

Click here for Part I and Part II

ALL human beings are capable of anything given the right or wrong set of circumstances.

What are the worst things that can, have and do happen when we come out to our spouses:
Marital rape
Physical violence
Verbal and mental abuse
Saying things about you to the children to turn them against you including attempts to take the children away by false accusations of child abuse and/or molestation

And murder.

You have an idea what type of man you are married to already. If he is already fair minded, he probably will, after a time, still be fair minded towards you, there is still a chance for abuse however, hope for the best but prepare yourself in advance for the worst.

Studies have shown spousal rape occurs in about 14% of all marriages in the United States. Women are at particularly high risk of experiencing physical and sexual violence when they attempt to leave their partners, as this represents a challenge to their abusers' control and sense of entitlement. Similarly, women who are separated or divorced from their partners also appear to be at high risk for sexual abuse for the sense of entitlement does not necessarily end when a couple ceases living together (DeKeseredy et al., 2005; Dobash & Dobash, 1992; Kurz, 1997).

If he is an authoritarian type, perhaps deeply religious with firm beliefs on how men and women should act, including that the wife must submit to her husband, there is a greater chance for him to cross the line to verbal, sexual and physical abuse even if he was not so before. Or if he has friends who make jokes about abusing women, he has a higher chance of becoming abusive himself when you attempt to leave him.

If he is like my ex, not a physical abuser but abusive in other ways, he will remain mentally or verbally abusive, but understand there is a greater chance of his type crossing the line to physical abuse than a non-abuser. Prepare in advance your resources and contacts

If he is already physically abusive: DO NOT COME OUT TO HIM. First of all, get yourself professional and police help and then get you and the kids the hell out of there. There are crisis centers, churches and women's support centers to aid you in nearly every town in America. Don't let shame keep you in a dangerous situation. [National Domestic Violence Hotline]

You will find your own self esteem growing as you become more honest with yourself, see the abuse for what it is, not your fault but entirely his.

You will NOT be able to reason with him, you WILL NOT be able to stay with him and you WILL more than likely be the recipient of violence like you have never seen before. An abuser WILL resort to spousal rape, if he hasn't already, when confronted with your lesbianism and will beat you severely and he may VERY LIKELY TRY TO KILL YOU. He may succeed.

His abusive personality is not something that is your fault, it is his own lack of self worth that causes it. You don't deserve it no matter what you do. And you are not going to be able to change him by staying with him. Not all insecure people are abusers, but all abusers are insecure people.

If you are not out yet, but are coming to the point where you must come out start taking care of yourself right now. For most of your married life you have developed a social system completely built in a straight community, and change can appear overwhelming and even impossible. Making the change from wife and mother in a straight community to lesbian life is not an easy task. It is a path fraught with loss, guilt, separation and fear. Because of this, depression is quite common among married lesbians.

Depression can lead to suicidal thoughts or action. If hurting yourself has ever even crossed your mind, seek immediate psychiatric attention. National Suicide Hotline: 1-800-SUICIDE 1-800-784-2433

Resources for victims of spousal abuse:
Don't forget you have local resources too! Find an affirming church in your area, they will know of even more resources. Your employer may offer an Employee Assistance Program, these services are of no cost to you and are confidential. Also, go to a library to use their computers so he can't see what you are looking up, call from pay phones, or talk to people in person to reduce the risk he will find out what you are doing.

National Domestic Violence Hotline 1800-799-7233 (SAFE)

Hotline Services Include:

• Crisis intervention, safety planning, information about domestic violence and referrals to local service providers
• A direct connection to domestic violence resources available in the caller’s area provided by a Hotline advocate
• Assistance in both English and Spanish with Hotline advocates having access to more than 170 different languages through interpreter services
• Assistance through e-mail on the contact page
• Informational materials on such topics as domestic violence, sexual assault, battering intervention and prevention programs, working through the criminal justice system and related issues
  

Stop Abuse For Everyone, includes GLBT specific resources and has contact information nationwide
Stop Abuse For Everyone
16869 SW 65th Ave #212
Lake Oswego, OR 97035-7865
U.S.A.
(503) 853-8686

National Online Resource Center on Violence Against Women

Gift From Within and GFW main page

Women are Dreamers Too Support and education for getting it all together after you are free

Support for overcoming depression:

Discovering Pride

I Am A Lesbian Married To A Man

Don't forget your local resources here either, there are coming out groups, therapists and affirming clergy and your workplace may offer confidential services that will assist you!

You should also be ready to contact a lawyer, just to speak with them, they all offer a free 30 minute session, don't be afraid to use this valuable resource. Ask them about divorce laws in your state, ask about child custody, how to protect yourself against false charges, etc., get a list going and if half an hour isn't enough time, then call another one to ask the rest of questions of.

Good luck, God bless and always remember what lies at the end of this journey: joy, light, authenticity and, most of all, the freedom to be known and loved for who you really are.

Continuing, our children......

Created in the image of God: Part III

Created in the image of God: Part II is HERE
Created in the image of God: Part I is HERE

During those times, I began to understand the first concepts that would bring me out of the lies and into the truth 9 years later. But it would take going all the way into the dark places first, before I could come to that truth.

What I still didn't understand was in my believing that I was somehow "wrong" and "sinful” and then suppressing those feelings; those beliefs became poisons eating away at my mental, spiritual and emotional health. I thought I was just shutting down my feelings for women, but really I was shutting down all my feelings. I became a complete emotional blank.

In those same years my marriage was finally beginning to show signs that all was not well in denial land. My ex started drinking a lot more, we fought constantly and it was just all around hell. My two boys were what really kept me going for a long time. I did leave him for 6 months in 1996, but agreed to reconciliation if he would quit drinking. He did, for about 5 months, but I had let him move back after 3 of those. I knew I was his enabler but a huge part of me didn't care. As long as he drank, I didn't have to worry very often about having sex with him. That is cold hearted, very, and I know it, I am not proud of it.

I went a very long time with out sex. I didn't really mind. I told myself I was frigid. I mostly believed that.

In 1999, my ex collapsed at a grocery store and was diagnosed with advanced vascular disease. At first the doctors and surgeons believed that he could be helped with surgery. They removed the affected arteries and replaced them with Gore-Tex tubing. After two years and about 20 surgeries later, he was declared permanently disabled. He was 44 years old.

When the first round of surgeries started, I worked part time and temporary jobs, not really wanting to work full time because I was always afraid he might have a heart attack or fall down when the kids were home with him alone. I no longer enjoyed being home, he was always there and he was always drunk. He could get around, walk, do things, he could have worked a part time, low stress job, but he didn't want to. I knew his self worth was very low, I tried to make him see that he still had a lot of life left in him, but he didn't see it that way. I couldn't take watching him kill himself slowly so I eventually had to go back to work full time, at a local golf club and after a year I accepted the position of Food and Beverage Director. That position kept me out of the house 10 to 16 hours a day (but at the same time was flexible) and it also kept my mind off of anything personal.

The boys and I during this time were very involved with the Cub Scouts and Boy Scouts. I was my younger one's Den Leader and I sat on the board of my eldest son's Troop. I would also bring them to work with me on the weekends, they would take golf lessons and we would have lunch together and then I would, if I could, make a short day of it and go home with them or movies or what ever.

I didn't have much time for talking to God during the first four or five years. Don't get me wrong, there was no anger or resentment towards God or even questioning why, I didn't feel anything at all really. I was tired, just too tired to talk or even think. I almost liked it that way.

During the slow season about four years ago, I caught a movie on IFC called When Night Is Falling. I had no idea what it was really about, but it was a little quirky at the beginning, a woman professor was engaged to another professor at a Christian University in Canada. Her dog died and she picked it up and put it in the freezer, LOL. OK I was hooked......I understood that she couldn't bear the loss of her dog, she loved the dog more than her fiance. (Lorrie can tell you I get the strange symbolism of movies, just a gift I guess.) As the story progresses, she ends up at a Cirque du Soliel type circus, with a beautiful trapeze artist. She keeps going back, fascinated with this woman, they become lovers and fall in love.......I shouldn't spoil the end if you haven't seen it. OMG I WAS THIS WOMAN. I knew the despair she felt, the inability to connect with her fiance, the endless loneliness, the conflict with her beliefs, everything. It was repeated several times that month, I tried to watch it each time I could, I think I managed 5 at least.

This movie cracked my ice, it didn't break it all the way down, but it sure did crack it. I let myself long for something more for the first time in many, many years. I was still stuck on the straight thing, kinda, I still couldn't admit, even to myself I was a lesbian, but I began to think maybe I was bisexual. Looking back, I don't know why I would find that more acceptable, but at that time, I did.

Something happened to me a month later. On Christmas Day actually. I got angry. I got angry with my life. I got angry at my ex, I got angry at God, I was really angry with myself. I didn't yell, I didn't say a word actually, but I was angry and I stayed that way for months. I woke up with the boys that morning for what else? Christmas Day. (Now, this isn't for pity that I say this, this is just how it was OK?) There was nothing for me. NOTHING, zilch, zip, zero. Not from my ex, not from the boys. I was not surprised because maybe only once every 5 years or so, would there be something from my ex. And it was the same with my birthday. I would give hints of what I might like, but I had learned over 16 years not to really expect it. I asked my ex once why and he always said he didn't know what to get me and he figured I would get myself something. LOL. He didn't get the hints now did he? I realized my sons didn't even know when my birthday was because it was never celebrated. I had gotten tired years ago of making or buying my own damn cake so I stopped.

See, that ice was really cracking now. Where before, I DID NOT FEEL WORTHY, I was beginning to. So, I made up my mind that I was going to start to feel something again, and it was not just going to be anger. I wanted a Christmas present really bad and I met him about a month later. Well, I was still mostly in denial, OK?

He was funny, he didn't drink, he was tall and healthy and charming. He works on an oil rig in Saudi Arabia, well, he did then, I don't know now, he was well traveled and educated and I found him fascinating. And he was the most open minded, non-judgmental about sex and life, person I had ever met up until that time. And I don't mean he liked really kinky stuff, he just had this attitude that sex was natural and not shameful and that it was unnatural to deny it. And he was easy to talk to. I had an affair. It was exciting and he made me remember all the hopes and dreams for my life that I had dropped along the way. The ambitions and passions too. I had no desire to marry him, or leave my ex at that time either. But he sure helped knock some more of that cracked ice off. He would work for 8 weeks and then have 4 off. I saw him for at least a few days every 8 weeks.

I found myself talking to him one day about my attraction to women. There was no shame in it, no embarrassment, no holding back, I just told him about it. He told me that my denying it was wrong and that I should explore it. He, laughed and said if I wanted him to join in he would be happy to, but he also said he didn't have to.

On my birthday that year I slept with a woman for the first time in my life. I knew I was at least bisexual, but even then I kinda knew I wasn't. It was everything anybody who had ever talked to me about sex said it was. It felt like it was the most natural thing in the world to me. It was only to be a one night stand. Months later I would find I was very glad it was.

Afterward, I thought I was having a nervous breakdown. I didn't know I was actually coming out of the one that I'd had for years. I couldn't stop shaking, I felt elated and then depressed, I would giggle all afternoon and cry all night. I knew I couldn't stay married any longer. I knew I couldn't continue to live a lie, nope, not one more day. I told my ex I wanted a divorce but not the total reason why. He was shocked a little, but finally agreed. The boys at first wished to remain with their father and help him out. I moved out a month after the divorce was final.

Looking back, I truly believe the next two months were destined to happen. You see, I didn't know how to meet lesbians. LOL. I didn't know what I was looking for in another woman. I didn't know if I just didn't want some real alone time. I signed up on Friendfinders.com, and put my profile up, listed my likes and dislikes, what I was looking for sort of and set my filters for within 25 miles, etc., etc., etc. I received many emails from men. I dated a few, all of them were very nice, but just like 20 years ago, there was no real click going on. I got a few from women too, most wanted a threesome with their boyfriends or husbands, not a friendship or "more", lol. I emailed some without boyfriends back, I didn't hear from most of them again.

One day, I was checking out my profile and mail and I noticed I had some emails in the "filtered" file. I opened it, they were all from too far away. I went to delete them. One caught my eye, it was her "handle." I am not going to reveal more than it had the word suburb, but it intrigued me because until recently, I had thought of myself as sort of "suburban." I opened the email and read a very thoughtful note about someone coming to Reno for a business trip and wanting to meet someone while she was here. I first thought I would write and say sorry, you live to far away. Then I thought, "Oh just delete it." And then I answered her back saying maybe I was interested in meeting her, could we maybe exchange a few emails? The odds of this being my Soul Mate still boggles my mind. I do see destiny and divine intervention written all over it now. The rest is absolutely wonderful history. And I think a whole different story.

I hadn't exactly begun talk to God yet, but I did start to listen. He asked me if I was going to continue to believe lies, or would I start to believe the truth?

He started one by one to show me all the lies I had been believing and living my whole life and then He began to show me the truth.

The biggest lie I had believed was that to be a lesbian meant I was evil and an abomination. I had come to a point were I even tried to explain my attraction to women as being a temptation by God to test my faith. That still small voice asked me: "Tempted for 40 years? Jesus was only tempted for 40 days!" God does not allow us to be tempted beyond out limit to resist and is it our faith he tests? Our redemption is not really based on OUR faith, but the faithfulness of God to keep His promise that all who call upon the name of the Lord are redeemed. What glory is there for God if it is my work that saves myself? Who's work is it that I believe, Jesus tells His Apostles that "It is the work of God, that you believe"

And when did children get tested for their faith? Jesus was 30 when He was "tempted" I did not know how to speak of it as a child of 6 and 7, but it was women I wanted to grow up and marry, society just didn't give me a choice. When I said I loved Mrs. Byrd, or Beth, no one put anything into that statement coming from a 6 year old in the 1960's. Of course I loved my teacher and a friend, why would they correct me at that time?

And why would I be tested when that very test, that temptation was ultimately what held me back from the person I was created to be? Had I not passed the "test" over and over and over and over again? Does not God want each of us to reach our potential as a full and complete human being? But I was so full of self loathing. Self loathing is not from God. We are created in His image, who do we hate if we hate our self image?

To save space, I am going to provide several links that discuss what I learned on the real sins of Sodom: Sin and the Sodomites; What Was The Sin Of Sodom?; and Whosoever: Sodom & Gomorrah

What of the thousands of passages that show us what God considers sin and evil? Anymore we hear little of these. Here are but a few:
Jeremiah 23.14 "I have seen also in the prophets of Jerusalem a horrible thing: they commit adultery, and walk in lies: they strengthen also the hands of evildoers, that none doth return from his wickedness: they are all of them unto me as Sodom, and the inhabitants thereof as Gomorrah."

Proverbs 6: 16 - 19:
These six things doth the LORD hate:
yea, seven are an abomination unto him:
A proud look, a lying tongue,
and hands that shed innocent blood,
An heart that devises wicked imaginations,
feet that be swift in running to mischief,
A false witness that speaks lies,
and he that sows discord among brethren.

Proverbs 19:5 A false witness will not go unpunished, and he who breathes out lies will not escape.

Exodus 20:16 “You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.

False witness is slander. Slander is malicious lies told to harm another person.

And what of the "gender variant" persons of faith in the Bible and of ancient times? I am speaking of eunuchs. We think of a eunuch only as a "castrated male". But in ancient times there were two kinds of eunuch: natural eunuchs and "mutilated" eunuchs. A natural eunuch was a gay male, a mutilated eunuch had, usually by disease or accident had damage done to his testicles or penis and was unable to procreate on his own. There were also men who had themselves castrated or were castrated to serve in government appointed posts open only to eunuchs. They were considered more trustworthy around money, less greedy and less likely to take bribes since they would have no children and thus no need for a family fortune. There were also men who were castrated in order to serve God more fully without the distractions of a sex life.

Where do I get this information from? There are several sources, Pliny the Elder was a Jewish historian and in his histories, he assigned eunuchs and hermaphrodites to the "third gender called half-male," Josephus, very often quoted by modern Christians as the historical authority of the time of Jesus, states in Jewish Antiquities IV 8,40, speaking of natural eunuchs indicated that in the case of some, since "it is evident that their soul has become effeminate, they have transfused that effeminacy to their body also." And from Jesus: "For there are eunuchs who were born that way from their mother's womb; and there are eunuchs who were made eunuchs by men; and there are also eunuchs who made themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. He who is able to accept this, let him accept it." (Matt 19: 8-12) Jesus was speaking to His fellow Jews at this time, Eunuchs in the Old Testament were prohibited from serving in the Temple and many other duties.
And in Acts 8:27-39 Phillip is sent by the Lord to convert a eunuch from Ethiopia. I notice he was not told to stop being a eunuch.

In ancient Roman Law it is laid out by the Roman jurist Ulpian in a document known as Lex Julia et Papia, Book 1 (Digest 50.16.128), that "Eunuch is a general designation: the term includes those who are eunuchs by nature, as well as those who are mutilated. In stature he places the natural eunuchs first. " The mutilated Eunuch was designated as one diseased and the natural Eunuch was designated as one not diseased.
The law (D 28.2.6) says that someone who cannot easily procreate is nonetheless entitled to institute a posthumous heir, but it gives no concrete examples of such a man. In the same context, it states that the "eunuch" holds this right as well, while "castrated men" expressly do not. Ulpian makes a distinction between the non castrated Eunuch and the castrated Eunuch.
Whole eunuchs who were freemen, unlike mutilated eunuchs, were eligible for marriage and for adopting children (D 23.3.39.1, 28.2.6). In fact, anatomically whole eunuchs had all the rights and duties of ordinary men.

There is no word in the Old Testament, either good or bad, about lesbians. I won't read into Ruth and Naomi more than is there. Only Paul has something to say about women and sex in the New Testament: "For this reason, God delivered them to degrading passions as their females exchanged their natural sexual function for one that is unnatural."

That is it. Look at what is being said. He is speaking of degrading passions and exchanging their "natural" function for one that is "unnatural." In the whole context of this chapter, he is talking about idolatry, greed and corruption. You can read into it that it is about lesbians if you wish, you can also read into that they had sex with multiple partners and participated in orgies, or you can read into it that they had anal sex with their partners and you can even read into that they did not wish to have children since that was considered at the time the sole purpose of a female having sex. You may think I am being snide here but I am not, to me, trying to be heterosexual was very unnatural. And my relationship with Lorrie is anything but degrading, it is the complete opposite actually.

And perhaps the newest truth I am learning is that our lesbian natures, are truly gifts from God.

Psychologist Mark Friedman, from a series of tests administered to both gays and lesbians, found that the homosexuals he tested were superior to their heterosexual counterparts in such psychological qualities as autonomy, spontaneity, orientation toward the present, and increased sensitivity to the value of the person. (Psychology Today, Vol. 8, No. 10 (March 1973), 27-33)

While gays and lesbians make up probably 4%–6% of the population, a study of the biographies of 1004 eminent people found 11% of them to be homosexual or bisexual, with certain categories higher: 24% of poets, 21% of fiction writers, and 15% of artists and musicians. (Myers, David, Sexual Orientation and Science” in LeDayne McLeese Polanski and Millard Eiland, Eds., Rightly Dividing the Word of Truth, The Alliance of Baptists and Baptist Peace Fellowship of North America, 172)

I personally believe we exist as a bridge between the male and the female, the bringing together of the sexes. And I believe because God is truly neither male, nor female we can express His whole nature made up of many facets. I have used the terms He, His and Him, but they are meant to be universal and unisex.

I am awed by the universe and its Creator, I am awed by its diversity and its magnificence and most of all I am grateful and awestruck to be a part of it. I am filled with joy that I have been given a true partner in my life to share it with, to love and be loved. Isn't that really what we were all created for? At last, I know I am wonderfully and fearfully made.

Created in the image of God: Part II

Created in the image of God: Part I is HERE

Well, I didn't refuse, I really liked him a lot and loved him as a friend. But about two months before the wedding I started having real doubts, the thoughts that maybe I was a lesbian were getting rather loud in my ears. But I shrugged it off to "cold feet", and besides I had laid out a good chunk of money towards the wedding, the invitations had been sent and my Dad was so happy and proud and had also spent quite a lot himself. I liked that I was making my Dad proud.

I got married at the chapel in Yosemite on December 4, 1988.

I knew two months after we were married I had made a huge mistake. But I didn't believe in divorce except for physical abuse and he was not physically abusive. I decided I would make the best of it. It helped that for the first year and a half my ex worked graveyard and I worked swing shift. At first it wasn't too bad, I just knew I didn't love him like I should and I had to fantasize about women in order to be intimate with him.

I did quite a good job of fantasizing and our first son was born almost two years after we were married. I stayed home for about a year with him. I didn't want to leave him, I really wanted to be a good mother and dreaded the thought that someone else would see all of his "firsts." My ex liked the idea also as his mom had worked two jobs to support he and his brother.

When I stayed home that first year, I didn't know many people outside of work, my whole day was wrapped up in my son, taking care of the apartment and my ex. I was very lonely, and decided to go back to work.

I went back to work for about another year and a half until my second son was born. Day care was way too expensive for what I made so this time I just stayed home with them. Only I made an effort to meet other stay at home moms and do things with them and our children. I enjoyed it much more this time. It was nice having adults to talk to while the kids would play together.

When my youngest was about a year old, we bought a fixer upper on 7 acres outside of a little town called Silver Springs. It was great, I set out working on the yard, clearing sagebrush and doing little things to fix up the place inside. The town was about 5 miles away and we didn't have close neighbors, so I joined the church to meet people. Besides I felt it was time the boys started attending and getting that good old "ole time religion" instilled in them. I didn't really worry that my earlier experiences would be repeated. I was after all a married woman with two children. And I sure as hell wasn't going to talk to anyone about being attracted to women.

It was in this town and on the 7 acres that God began to show himself more fully to me, maybe because it was so quiet out there, not very many distractions and I had lots of time to read the Bible and other books when the boys were napping. My ex was working a lot of hours, he would come home, eat some dinner, drink and then go to bed. Since I had made friends from the Church, we formed an informal Bible study once a week. We would study on a topic, like love or faith and it was nice because we could talk freely about anything related to God in our lives, no one would say the other was wrong or right but we would offer our own opinions and debate ideas, certainly we would all have things to think about until the following week.

I have not been a "literal" believer in the Bible since the exorcism and subsequent studies on my own. I felt that God showed me that believing the Bible is inerrant can be a form of idolatry. I came to realize that sometimes people can worship the Bible itself, and not the God who inspired it. Jesus often said when referencing what we call the Old Testament, but he would have called the Torah or Septuagint, "you have heard it said.....but I say unto you......" And spoke of the Spirit of these and not the "letter of the law." Jesus was not much into literally interpreting passages either. It was through these informal studies that I really began to understand this concept. I do believe it is largely inspired and that from it we can begin to understand the nature of God and of ourselves.

I also began to study more about the historical context of some of the more bothersome passages. Like slavery, polygamy, genocide and capital crimes for seemingly minor offenses and yet rape was punished by forcing the rapist to marry his victim. There really isn't a good way to put historical context in these things. Slavery has always been wrong, it was wrong then. The fact that it would be outlined and have laws and rules for owning slaves in the Bible is because simply these things existed. Women were considered property, so once raped she was damaged goods to her family trying to marry her off, the rapist had to marry her to provide her father with the lost dowry.

There are voices in the Bible, voices speaking out against these things and more. These voices were the Prophets. What do we think Isaiah was talking about when he says in chapter 1 verses 16 and 17: Wash you, make you clean, put away the evil of your doings from before Mine eyes, cease to do evil; Learn to do well; seek justice, relieve the oppressed, judge the fatherless, plead for the widow. And in 21 - 23: How is the faithful city become a harlot! She that was full of justice, righteousness lodged in her, but now murderers. Thy silver is become dross, thy wine mixed with water. Thy princes are rebellious, and companions of thieves; every one loveth bribes, and followeth after rewards; they judge not the fatherless, neither doth the cause of the widow come unto them.

I began to see that women and children have always been important to God, as is justice, fairness and truthfulness. Who would be the oppressed? Why the slaves! As well as the poor, women and those who were treated unfairly or discriminated against. Even 3000 years ago there were voices speaking for those with out voice, with out rights and with out justice. God it seems is indeed unchangeable. It is only some of humanity that has changed.

Part III to follow.........

Created in the image of God: Part I

I have wanted to blog about how I came to reconcile being gay with being a Christian for a while. I didn't realize when I came out, that I would be expected to reject being a Christian. I did, for many years, believe that I had to reject being gay because I am a Christian because my pastors and youth leaders and "The Bible" told me that being gay is a sin. A sin worthy of death and eternal damnation. Or so I thought. So many people believe.

I am going to give you a story I haven't told anyone in 30 years, not even Lorrie. Not the story of coming out, but my story of how much I denied my lesbianism in the name of "christianity."
When I was in high school I belonged to a youth group at our local Presbyterian Church. The leaders were a young couple very much excited in the Lord. My friends all belonged and we had a lot of fun there. What I didn't understand until many years later is that they were what is known as a Five Fold Ministry. (I don't have the space to explain this so click on the link if you don't know what that is.)

One important point about the Five Fold Ministry is that a lot of what they believe in is what I call "touching the supernatural." One of the things that many of them still believe in is exorcists and exorcism. They believe that most of our ills are caused by the devil and his demons and their are people in the church endowed with the "gift" of exorcism. OK, so now you know already where I am going with this one don't cha......

I opened up to the youth counselors about feeling not normal, my attraction towards women, even after I was saved and baptized and received the Holy Spirit. They decided we had to take a weekend trip up to see one of these "gifted exorcists" because the only way I could still have these feelings after I was saved was because I was possessed.

HEY, stop laughing you guys, I really didn't want to be "gay," I didn't want to be a "sexual pervert," gays got put in loony bins and received shock treatment for crying out loud!!! I am and always have been fairly rational, intelligent and sane, sane sane. But everything I thought I knew about homosexuality told me if I was, then I was insane.

So, I got exorcised of my demon of homosexuality, along with a few other really scary ones. It seems I was really badly possessed. Oh, the demon of homosexuality is simply called Sodomy, in case you were wondering......

So, after this weekend at the exorcist's house, and lots of praying and crying and really only having Jesus scared out of me, I quit going to the youth group and church. I didn't stop believing in God, but I realized humans were unbelievable.

And I still was attracted to women.

I continued to talk to God, to read my Bible, only I used Strong's Concordance while I did so I could look up the words in the original Hebrew and Greek. I learned a lot about what we think the Bible says, isn't quite how it was written in it's original language. Part of it has to do with the "concept" behind the words. Words have meanings that take many more words to explain them to someone who does not speak the language. Like exorcism. It is one word, but it has a concept behind it that takes pages to explain. When we know what the word means, we no longer need to take pages to explain it.

Take the word "witness," in the original Greek it isn't about trying to convince someone with words, it is about living your life so that when people see how happy and fulfilled it is, they want to become like you.

My witness sucked. I didn't even want to be like me. I was in college, drinking and smoking lots of pot to feel better, trying desperately to find a man who could make me feel like the people in the sappy movies felt. I thought there was something wrong with the guys I dated (but it was probably me). Or at least they just weren't "the one." The longest I ever went out with anyone before I married my husband was 6 months. Why waste their time or mine if they weren't the one? I continued to have crushes on women, but you know, don't we all, you just don't act on them, right?

I quit smoking pot, didn't drink so much and moved to Yosemite National Park to work for a summer. I stayed 5 years. I talked a lot to God in Yosemite. It is a good place to do that. It is awe inspiring and serene. Mostly I think I whined to God. Why wasn't I normal like other people. (other women) Why couldn't I be happy with some guy and having a family. How come I still got crushes on women? What a one track mind I had then.

God did too, every time I whined, Psalm 139 would go through my head:

O Lord, you have searched me and known me. You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from far away. You search out my path and my lying down, and are acquainted with all my ways. Even before a word is on my tongue, O Lord, you know it completely. You hem me in, behind and before, and lay your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is so high that I cannot attain it.

Where can I go from your spirit? Or where can I flee from your presence? If I ascend to heaven, you are there; if I make my bed in Sheol, you are there. If I take the wings of the morning and settle at the farthest limits of the sea, even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me fast. If I say, ‘Surely the darkness shall cover me, and the light around me become night’, even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is as bright as the day, for darkness is as light to you.

For it was you who formed my inward parts; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; that I know very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes beheld my unformed substance. In your book were written all the days that were formed for me, when none of them as yet existed. How weighty to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! I try to count them—they are more than the sand; I come to the end—I am still with you.

O that you would kill the wicked, O God, and that the bloodthirsty would depart from me— those who speak of you maliciously, and lift themselves up against you for evil! Do I not hate those who hate you, O Lord? And do I not loathe those who rise up against you? I hate them with perfect hatred; I count them my enemies.

Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my thoughts. See if there is any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

I wasn't getting the message. I thought I was being told to just try harder to "pray away the gay." I wasn't listening because I didn't want to believe what was obvious. God wasn't asking me if he could search my heart, he already had, he was telling me that I needed to search my own heart and realize just how fearfully and wonderfully made I already was.

I worked very hard and many hours to fill up the void I felt inside. I got promoted a lot and actually had a pretty good time there. I made lots of friends and we would go backpacking together on our days off. They were all women. As much as I loved those trips, and looked forward to them, they were really, really frustrating.

I met my ex-husband in Yosemite. He was also working there, actually he worked for me as the cafeteria manager at Curry Village. He was funny and smart and good looking. We would stay up late after work and talk and watch old movies together. We would go out for coffee or to the Mountain Room Bar for cocktails. That was it. We didn't hold hands, or kiss or anything so I really enjoyed spending time with him.

He went golfing one day down in Wawona with a friend of ours, and on the way home took a back road. LOL. A back road in Yosemite is a fire road, they only get used if there is a forest fire and you aren't supposed to drive on them ever. On the back road the car hit a rock and had the oil plug knocked off, they blew the engine about 3 miles from the main road. They started walking and got lost as it was getting dark. They walked all night until they found a main road about 15 miles from the one they were headed for. They hitchhiked back to the park.

At 5:00 in the morning he knocked on my door and told me about it. He said all he could think of was getting back to me and that he was afraid he would never see me again if they died in the woods.

He asked me to marry him.

How could I refuse?