Friday, October 31, 2008

Happy Halloween and Nevada Day!

Have been busy this week, it is mid-terms, and very exciting elections, the Phillies in the World Series!!! YEAH PHILLIES!!! And next week I will be spending some time in Pennsylvania with My Love! Any more, I feel like that is home, and I am only going to school and working here in Nevada.
Lorrie and I knew we wanted this blog to be a forum for women like us, who for what ever reason could not either admit to themselves, and/or anyone else that they are lesbians. We just don't know how it will develop. Time will tell. We know that this process can be painful and difficult. Especially if you have been married and have children.
I know I am very excited about our future, and that all the things that we have to go through are so very worth it.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008


Tonight I pulled out my old journal from college. I started it in October of 1980, and it goes on and off until December of 1984. I am struck by how many times I wrote of feeling different, of not quite fitting in and not knowing why.

My long term goals were outlined, I wanted to be an actor or a journalist. I wanted to make a mark in the world, I even knew and wrote that I had to stop caring so much about what other people thought, especially my father.

Over and over I write of a longing, a deep unknown longing that cannot be filled. At one point I became very, very religious. I don't mean spiritual, I mean get in your face, you sinner, religious. While I have never stopped believing in God, I finally realized He wanted no more of that kind of worship, than people wanted to hear my fire and brimstone lectures.

Again and again I write of confusion, unhappiness and longing.
I wrote lots of poetry, mostly like this one:

I hear a bird call out in the evening.
It cries, endlessly calling it's mate.
Yet rarely do I hear a reply.
Gently I weep, though, not for the bird
But because my own song goes unheard.
And my cries softly die in the cool evening breeze,
unheard, unanswered and almost unspoken.

I never became an actor or a journalist. I make more plans and goals, I drift, I drink, I do drugs and I long. For what? Anything, someone, anything but I didn't know what or how to express it. I marry, I decide to join the Jones'. What is glaring to me now is how much I didn't write of those days. Not even in my private journal will I confess I have a huge crush on my roommate Cori. But I sure wrote how excited I was when we got an apartment together. How much fun it was to decorate it together, to cook for each other, to party together. I didn't write of the pain when she moved in with her boyfriend a year and a half later, only that I needed to get another roommate to help with expenses.

The journal ended December 7, 1982 (really!) LOL, significant? The last entry: I am just a pretender in the world of intellectuality. That wasn't all I was pretending.

Had I kept a journal for the next 24 years, it would have read much the same, I would have noted my marriage, my questioning it 2 months later, was I was crazy? and what did I do? I'd have written of the absolute joy at the birth of my first son, again of my second. The years after that would have been about them, what we did together and how much I love them.

In 2004 I'd have begun writing about my feelings of loving women, to love a woman, to be honest finally. I'd have written of my first experience with a woman and how I knew, I really knew I was a lesbian (oh but maybe, just maybe bi) and there was no going back. I started to like myself and accept myself and I stopped believing the lies people tell you to keep you down.

There would have been an entry for September 18, 2006

I think I have just fallen completely in love for the first time in my life, she lives 2500 miles away! Oh God what do I do now?

That one was easy, because loving Lorrie is the easiest thing I have ever done, and feeling her love and loving loving her is all there ever needs to be.

True love is eternal, infinite, and always like itself. It is equal and pure, without violent demonstrations; it is seen with white hairs and is always young in the heart.
-Honore de Balzac

Monday, October 13, 2008

Fountain of Youth

Ponce de Leon searched for the Fountain of Youth, and he found his version of it. Well I have to tell you, I found a much better and truer version of the fountain of is called True Love!
The kind of love that makes you feel alive for the first time ever. It makes you want to experience so many things with your Lover, not just sexual things, but everyday things that you just want to share with her! It makes you feel like a teenager all over again!!!! Yes, a teenager..and what a wonderful feeling...especially after 42 years of feeling like something was missing..a big piece of me was missing!
I met Rebecca over two years ago and our relationship has been an absolute eye opener for me...wonderfully so! I feel energized, alive, awake, passionate, youthful....oh...and Sexy!!! Yes...I feel Sexy for the first time ever!!! So watch out world...this, now 45 year old woman has found her Fountain of Youth!!! And..I plan on feeling like a teenager forever...with Rebecca!!!


Sunday, October 12, 2008

No More Fear and Lies

As yesterday was National Coming Out Day, and the premier of this blog, I have to confess something, I am only "sort of" out of the closet. I came out to my ex-husband, he outed me to my teenage sons, who didn't say anything to me about it, until I came out to them a few months later. They said they already knew "cause Dad told us".
My oldest took it pretty well, but he has several gay friends. My youngest didn't understand how I could have lied to myself for so long, but in the last two years, he seems to have finally come to grips with that. I too have come to grips with it.
I have since come out to two of my three sisters, my mother (who just prefers to ignore it), all of my friends, my two immediate supervisors, who wanted to know why I fly to Philadelphia all the time, LOL, and some of my co-workers. I have not come out to my brother, who is an evangelical Christian and I don't see much of him anyway, we live about 1000 miles apart. For the past 10 years, we only talk on holidays. He has never asked even if I am dating someone, so I just don't tell. I haven't come out to my father either. He has very strong ideas about things. Maybe I better leave it at that. If he ever asks about my social life, I will not lie though.
When I was young, homosexuality was still considered a mental disease, a crime in many states and my 2nd cousin had jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge in the early 70's mainly because our family could not accept him. In my mind, I couldn't be gay because I wasn't crazy and I came from a family where it seem to matter more what the neighbors thought than what we did. All the things I believed about myself and life were really just fear and lies.
Those lies kept me from even acting on my deep crushes, caused me to stay married to an alcoholic for 18 years and kept the best parts of me frozen as well. I have realized that by holding in check the feelings I had for women, I stunted all my other feelings as well.
One of the many amazing things to happen to me over the past two years is a discovery the I am passionate! About love, about living, about wanting to help others, about music and really about everything! Especially about Lorrie, the love and passion there is indescribable and boundless.
Romantic movies now make sense to me. I love music now! I have always loved art, but now it moves me like never before. I cry now too. And it is GOOD! I feel more a WOMAN now too! I have become much less "tom boy" as I have grown to accept myself.
I have tried not to have any regrets about my life, I do wish I had been stronger when I was younger and not so afraid to be honest about myself. I only know that the next 40+ years looks very wonderful to me!

Saturday, October 11, 2008

A Love Poem...

Nothing can describe, the way I feel for you
Your love is warm and precious
Your heart so pure and true
Heavens angels brought
To knock upon your door (or email to your inbox)
To give you all my love
To keep you wanting more
The special bond we share, will guide us on our way
To a perfect life were dreams come true
What more can I really say
We were brought together, never will we part
Your my special gift
Your my shining star
I'll love you unconditionally
With all my heart and soul
I'll never break your spirit
I'll always keep you whole
~by Susanta Bandha~

Can you imagine being married for 19 years and never feeling comfortable saying these words to your husband? I can! But then something wonderful happened to me...after the age of 40, I decided to explore those long suppressed feelings and desires I had for women...and amazingly I met her...the woman I can say those words to and not only feel comfortable saying them but relish the feeling that runs through my heart as I say them!!

In the past two years since meeting My Love, my body and soul have been awakened, that missing puzzle piece has been found!!

We are sure there are more stories like ours out there! We would love to hear them!
Posted By LORRIE

Truth, finally

It is so wonderful to be loved as much as I love, that was something I used to believe I would never know……
Almost 4 years ago, I realized I needed to find out who I really was and why I never felt "normal" or "whole" as a human being or as a woman. I had been married for 16 years, had two children and had tried to do all the things that, as a child I was told, would make me happy. I found myself instead, profoundly unhappy.
It wasn't any one thing I could put my finger on, my marriage was not going well, true, but I knew that wasn't what was causing such deep despair. It was the feeling I had that somehow, I wasn't "right" at all. I am a spiritual person and the more I prayed the more the feelings of not being right increased. No, the feeling that increased was that I was living a lie.
It wasn't until I watched a movie called "When Night Is Falling" that I started to realize that what I thought was something to be denied in myself, was really who I was. I suddenly understood what lie I had been living most of my life. I was attracted to women. The feelings I had so long dismissed as aberrations were real. Once I admitted this to myself, I could for the first time, believe Psalm 139 "for you formed my inward parts: you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made"
Living THE LIE was wrong, how I was made, was not!

I knew I couldn't stay married to my husband any longer. He would not have allowed an open marriage, even if I only saw other women. I only told him I wanted a divorce, not the reason why He agreed and I filed a week later. Living in Nevada, the divorce decree came 6 days later, LOL. Several months later I came out to him and he was not surprised! He said he had suspected it for many years.
I didn't know it then, but I had just taken the truest step in my adult life.
Two months later I would meet the woman who I knew was my soul mate from the moment I laid eyes on her! We have now been seeing each other for two years, and everyday of those two years our love has only deepened, and loving each other is the easiest thing in the world....
She sent me this two months ago:

When you meet your soul mate, this person will have an instantaneous effect on you.
soul mate is someone who makes your knees go weak and takes your breath away.
With but a single glance they lessen your burden, and but a smile, touch your heart.
You will feel a sense of total connection with this person.
They will touch you so deeply on so many levels that you will want to share you innermost secrets. For the first time in your life someone will make you feel almost like a goddess.
Once you have met your
soul mate, for better or sometimes worse, your life will never be the same...
One of the things which makes this encounter so unique is the sense of a profound spiritual experience. You both feel like this is meant to be and that you've been together before in a past incarnation.
When you meet your
soul mate something happens — the deep yearning, the compelling energy drawing you to become physically intimate overwhelms many...
Nothing will have ever felt so right...There's a sense of safety with this person.
You knowingly let go of your defenses as a deep empathic bond is formed.
Unlike any other relationships you may have had, there will be no game playing or hidden agendas, only truth...
There is something about the passion you share with a
soul mate that goes so far beyond just the physical body. For a moment in time you two are the only ones who exist in the universe.
Hearts beating in rhythm as your souls have intertwined themselves becoming one.
Your spiritual energies meld and you feel the flame of creation move through you like a wave of the ocean on a hot summer's day.
Soon you begin to lose track of where you begin and your partner ends...
From within the depths of your exquisitely passionate union, your
soul mate will know exactly how and where to touch you. It will be different, more intense, and more gratifying than any lover from your past... And more electrifying than anything you have ever imagined...
They will look into your eyes and you will feel your
soul open wide. For some people, there is the "rush". All the love, all the lust, and all the need will surge forth from your soul like captives from a cage.
At this moment you will know what it means to get lost within someone's eyes.
You will experience a realization you have never felt before and your desire and passion will rise to new levels.
But in the end, as you lay there, as the warm afterglow begins to fade, you will realize what just happened was not merely sex. Sex pales in comparison to what you have just experienced. .. To put it simply, your soul mate will be able to make love to you in ways no one else will ever be able to match...


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