Some reading:

In honor of International Women’s Day: March 8:

Where I work, I get to handle and see books sometimes a month or more before they are released. The security around here before the last Harry Potter book was available to the public was crazy…I have just run across a new book called Girls Against Girls: Why we are mean to each other and how we can change, by Bonnie Burton. It made me think of a post by Clever Creative that I read a while ago, it was just a joke she put up, but it, in turn made me think of the “Lobsters” episode of the L Word (the one where Max talks about male lobsters helping each other climb out of the pot, but the female lobsters pull each other back down trying to climb over them.):

Friendship among women: A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. Not one of them knew anything about it.
Friendship among men: A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a buddy's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.

Girls Against Girls is written for teenage girls, and if you are a parent of a teenage girl, I would buy this book for her, and if she does not read it, then read it to her every night before she falls asleep! Read it for yourself either way. Oh yes, it is that important.

Women’s equality is still a way’s off, just like LGBTQ rights, hell, just like Human Rights in general, we need to come together as people, and quit making life so damn hard for each other, it’s hard enough just being born.

Even when I was a girl, this girl against girl stuff was going on, but today, it doesn’t stop at school, it’s being tracked on My Space, texting, IMing, and even email - it is everywhere for some girls who are picked on and they can’t just escape from it anymore. The author gives several popular theories of why this happens, but ultimately it doesn’t matter why, only that we stop using our strengths against each other, and start using them to build ourselves and other women up.

The book is full of quotes from women in all fields of accomplishment:

We live in a culture right now that pits girls against each other. We are brought up socially to be in competition with each other – who has the best body, more boyfriends, better clothes. And this kind of competition can be devastating on female friendships because it emphasizes a mentality that there isn’t enough to go around. Enough love. Enough attention. Enough success. But there is. There is enough to share with your girlfriends. -- Jessica Weiner, author

Women and girls are taught that it’s not OK to be proud of themselves – that if they talk about what they do well, they will appear “stuck up.” So, instead of accentuating their positive traits, they accentuate other girls’ negative ones, scoring social points not with their own accomplishments, but by honing in on the faults of others. -- Kate Izquierdo, music editor, SF Bay Guardian

Don’t make space in your head for people who make you miserable. And if one of your friends turns out to be one of those people? You might not have space in your life anymore for them either! Give ‘em a chance for redemption, but don’t let anyone keep screwing you over or hurting you repeatedly. -- Isabel Samaras, painter

We have to look at each other as allies, not enemies, and rise above the media’s messaging to us that says we have to hate other girls and women. What we need in this world right now is more unity and less cattiness. -- Jessica Weiner, author

The last thing we need are more women with low self-esteem who feel alienated. We need to learn to empower each other even if it’s one girl at a time. The problem is far from new, and the solution isn’t a big mystery. We just need to face up to our individual roles in the process. -- Jessicka, vocalist, Jack Off Jill and Scarling.

Being yourself is the best revenge. -- Lynn Peril, author of Pink Think

We’re already a team; we just don’t all realize it. There are so many areas of life in which it is still a man’s world – sucks but it’s true! Girls can be this incredible web of support for each other, if we all just get into the mindset of holding out our hands to each other. How great it would be if all girls had each other’s backs? -- Isabel Samaras, painter

Created in the image of God: Part III

Created in the image of God: Part II is HERE
Created in the image of God: Part I is HERE

During those times, I began to understand the first concepts that would bring me out of the lies and into the truth 9 years later. But it would take going all the way into the dark places first, before I could come to that truth.

What I still didn't understand was in my believing that I was somehow "wrong" and "sinful” and then suppressing those feelings; those beliefs became poisons eating away at my mental, spiritual and emotional health. I thought I was just shutting down my feelings for women, but really I was shutting down all my feelings. I became a complete emotional blank.

In those same years my marriage was finally beginning to show signs that all was not well in denial land. My ex started drinking a lot more, we fought constantly and it was just all around hell. My two boys were what really kept me going for a long time. I did leave him for 6 months in 1996, but agreed to reconciliation if he would quit drinking. He did, for about 5 months, but I had let him move back after 3 of those. I knew I was his enabler but a huge part of me didn't care. As long as he drank, I didn't have to worry very often about having sex with him. That is cold hearted, very, and I know it, I am not proud of it.

I went a very long time with out sex. I didn't really mind. I told myself I was frigid. I mostly believed that.

In 1999, my ex collapsed at a grocery store and was diagnosed with advanced vascular disease. At first the doctors and surgeons believed that he could be helped with surgery. They removed the affected arteries and replaced them with Gore-Tex tubing. After two years and about 20 surgeries later, he was declared permanently disabled. He was 44 years old.

When the first round of surgeries started, I worked part time and temporary jobs, not really wanting to work full time because I was always afraid he might have a heart attack or fall down when the kids were home with him alone. I no longer enjoyed being home, he was always there and he was always drunk. He could get around, walk, do things, he could have worked a part time, low stress job, but he didn't want to. I knew his self worth was very low, I tried to make him see that he still had a lot of life left in him, but he didn't see it that way. I couldn't take watching him kill himself slowly so I eventually had to go back to work full time, at a local golf club and after a year I accepted the position of Food and Beverage Director. That position kept me out of the house 10 to 16 hours a day (but at the same time was flexible) and it also kept my mind off of anything personal.

The boys and I during this time were very involved with the Cub Scouts and Boy Scouts. I was my younger one's Den Leader and I sat on the board of my eldest son's Troop. I would also bring them to work with me on the weekends, they would take golf lessons and we would have lunch together and then I would, if I could, make a short day of it and go home with them or movies or what ever.

I didn't have much time for talking to God during the first four or five years. Don't get me wrong, there was no anger or resentment towards God or even questioning why, I didn't feel anything at all really. I was tired, just too tired to talk or even think. I almost liked it that way.

During the slow season about four years ago, I caught a movie on IFC called When Night Is Falling. I had no idea what it was really about, but it was a little quirky at the beginning, a woman professor was engaged to another professor at a Christian University in Canada. Her dog died and she picked it up and put it in the freezer, LOL. OK I was hooked......I understood that she couldn't bear the loss of her dog, she loved the dog more than her fiance. (Lorrie can tell you I get the strange symbolism of movies, just a gift I guess.) As the story progresses, she ends up at a Cirque du Soliel type circus, with a beautiful trapeze artist. She keeps going back, fascinated with this woman, they become lovers and fall in love.......I shouldn't spoil the end if you haven't seen it. OMG I WAS THIS WOMAN. I knew the despair she felt, the inability to connect with her fiance, the endless loneliness, the conflict with her beliefs, everything. It was repeated several times that month, I tried to watch it each time I could, I think I managed 5 at least.

This movie cracked my ice, it didn't break it all the way down, but it sure did crack it. I let myself long for something more for the first time in many, many years. I was still stuck on the straight thing, kinda, I still couldn't admit, even to myself I was a lesbian, but I began to think maybe I was bisexual. Looking back, I don't know why I would find that more acceptable, but at that time, I did.

Something happened to me a month later. On Christmas Day actually. I got angry. I got angry with my life. I got angry at my ex, I got angry at God, I was really angry with myself. I didn't yell, I didn't say a word actually, but I was angry and I stayed that way for months. I woke up with the boys that morning for what else? Christmas Day. (Now, this isn't for pity that I say this, this is just how it was OK?) There was nothing for me. NOTHING, zilch, zip, zero. Not from my ex, not from the boys. I was not surprised because maybe only once every 5 years or so, would there be something from my ex. And it was the same with my birthday. I would give hints of what I might like, but I had learned over 16 years not to really expect it. I asked my ex once why and he always said he didn't know what to get me and he figured I would get myself something. LOL. He didn't get the hints now did he? I realized my sons didn't even know when my birthday was because it was never celebrated. I had gotten tired years ago of making or buying my own damn cake so I stopped.

See, that ice was really cracking now. Where before, I DID NOT FEEL WORTHY, I was beginning to. So, I made up my mind that I was going to start to feel something again, and it was not just going to be anger. I wanted a Christmas present really bad and I met him about a month later. Well, I was still mostly in denial, OK?

He was funny, he didn't drink, he was tall and healthy and charming. He works on an oil rig in Saudi Arabia, well, he did then, I don't know now, he was well traveled and educated and I found him fascinating. And he was the most open minded, non-judgmental about sex and life, person I had ever met up until that time. And I don't mean he liked really kinky stuff, he just had this attitude that sex was natural and not shameful and that it was unnatural to deny it. And he was easy to talk to. I had an affair. It was exciting and he made me remember all the hopes and dreams for my life that I had dropped along the way. The ambitions and passions too. I had no desire to marry him, or leave my ex at that time either. But he sure helped knock some more of that cracked ice off. He would work for 8 weeks and then have 4 off. I saw him for at least a few days every 8 weeks.

I found myself talking to him one day about my attraction to women. There was no shame in it, no embarrassment, no holding back, I just told him about it. He told me that my denying it was wrong and that I should explore it. He, laughed and said if I wanted him to join in he would be happy to, but he also said he didn't have to.

On my birthday that year I slept with a woman for the first time in my life. I knew I was at least bisexual, but even then I kinda knew I wasn't. It was everything anybody who had ever talked to me about sex said it was. It felt like it was the most natural thing in the world to me. It was only to be a one night stand. Months later I would find I was very glad it was.

Afterward, I thought I was having a nervous breakdown. I didn't know I was actually coming out of the one that I'd had for years. I couldn't stop shaking, I felt elated and then depressed, I would giggle all afternoon and cry all night. I knew I couldn't stay married any longer. I knew I couldn't continue to live a lie, nope, not one more day. I told my ex I wanted a divorce but not the total reason why. He was shocked a little, but finally agreed. The boys at first wished to remain with their father and help him out. I moved out a month after the divorce was final.

Looking back, I truly believe the next two months were destined to happen. You see, I didn't know how to meet lesbians. LOL. I didn't know what I was looking for in another woman. I didn't know if I just didn't want some real alone time. I signed up on Friendfinders.com, and put my profile up, listed my likes and dislikes, what I was looking for sort of and set my filters for within 25 miles, etc., etc., etc. I received many emails from men. I dated a few, all of them were very nice, but just like 20 years ago, there was no real click going on. I got a few from women too, most wanted a threesome with their boyfriends or husbands, not a friendship or "more", lol. I emailed some without boyfriends back, I didn't hear from most of them again.

One day, I was checking out my profile and mail and I noticed I had some emails in the "filtered" file. I opened it, they were all from too far away. I went to delete them. One caught my eye, it was her "handle." I am not going to reveal more than it had the word suburb, but it intrigued me because until recently, I had thought of myself as sort of "suburban." I opened the email and read a very thoughtful note about someone coming to Reno for a business trip and wanting to meet someone while she was here. I first thought I would write and say sorry, you live to far away. Then I thought, "Oh just delete it." And then I answered her back saying maybe I was interested in meeting her, could we maybe exchange a few emails? The odds of this being my Soul Mate still boggles my mind. I do see destiny and divine intervention written all over it now. The rest is absolutely wonderful history. And I think a whole different story.

I hadn't exactly begun talk to God yet, but I did start to listen. He asked me if I was going to continue to believe lies, or would I start to believe the truth?

He started one by one to show me all the lies I had been believing and living my whole life and then He began to show me the truth.

The biggest lie I had believed was that to be a lesbian meant I was evil and an abomination. I had come to a point were I even tried to explain my attraction to women as being a temptation by God to test my faith. That still small voice asked me: "Tempted for 40 years? Jesus was only tempted for 40 days!" God does not allow us to be tempted beyond out limit to resist and is it our faith he tests? Our redemption is not really based on OUR faith, but the faithfulness of God to keep His promise that all who call upon the name of the Lord are redeemed. What glory is there for God if it is my work that saves myself? Who's work is it that I believe, Jesus tells His Apostles that "It is the work of God, that you believe"

And when did children get tested for their faith? Jesus was 30 when He was "tempted" I did not know how to speak of it as a child of 6 and 7, but it was women I wanted to grow up and marry, society just didn't give me a choice. When I said I loved Mrs. Byrd, or Beth, no one put anything into that statement coming from a 6 year old in the 1960's. Of course I loved my teacher and a friend, why would they correct me at that time?

And why would I be tested when that very test, that temptation was ultimately what held me back from the person I was created to be? Had I not passed the "test" over and over and over and over again? Does not God want each of us to reach our potential as a full and complete human being? But I was so full of self loathing. Self loathing is not from God. We are created in His image, who do we hate if we hate our self image?

To save space, I am going to provide several links that discuss what I learned on the real sins of Sodom: Sin and the Sodomites; What Was The Sin Of Sodom?; and Whosoever: Sodom & Gomorrah

What of the thousands of passages that show us what God considers sin and evil? Anymore we hear little of these. Here are but a few:
Jeremiah 23.14 "I have seen also in the prophets of Jerusalem a horrible thing: they commit adultery, and walk in lies: they strengthen also the hands of evildoers, that none doth return from his wickedness: they are all of them unto me as Sodom, and the inhabitants thereof as Gomorrah."

Proverbs 6: 16 - 19:
These six things doth the LORD hate:
yea, seven are an abomination unto him:
A proud look, a lying tongue,
and hands that shed innocent blood,
An heart that devises wicked imaginations,
feet that be swift in running to mischief,
A false witness that speaks lies,
and he that sows discord among brethren.

Proverbs 19:5 A false witness will not go unpunished, and he who breathes out lies will not escape.

Exodus 20:16 “You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.

False witness is slander. Slander is malicious lies told to harm another person.

And what of the "gender variant" persons of faith in the Bible and of ancient times? I am speaking of eunuchs. We think of a eunuch only as a "castrated male". But in ancient times there were two kinds of eunuch: natural eunuchs and "mutilated" eunuchs. A natural eunuch was a gay male, a mutilated eunuch had, usually by disease or accident had damage done to his testicles or penis and was unable to procreate on his own. There were also men who had themselves castrated or were castrated to serve in government appointed posts open only to eunuchs. They were considered more trustworthy around money, less greedy and less likely to take bribes since they would have no children and thus no need for a family fortune. There were also men who were castrated in order to serve God more fully without the distractions of a sex life.

Where do I get this information from? There are several sources, Pliny the Elder was a Jewish historian and in his histories, he assigned eunuchs and hermaphrodites to the "third gender called half-male," Josephus, very often quoted by modern Christians as the historical authority of the time of Jesus, states in Jewish Antiquities IV 8,40, speaking of natural eunuchs indicated that in the case of some, since "it is evident that their soul has become effeminate, they have transfused that effeminacy to their body also." And from Jesus: "For there are eunuchs who were born that way from their mother's womb; and there are eunuchs who were made eunuchs by men; and there are also eunuchs who made themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. He who is able to accept this, let him accept it." (Matt 19: 8-12) Jesus was speaking to His fellow Jews at this time, Eunuchs in the Old Testament were prohibited from serving in the Temple and many other duties.
And in Acts 8:27-39 Phillip is sent by the Lord to convert a eunuch from Ethiopia. I notice he was not told to stop being a eunuch.

In ancient Roman Law it is laid out by the Roman jurist Ulpian in a document known as Lex Julia et Papia, Book 1 (Digest 50.16.128), that "Eunuch is a general designation: the term includes those who are eunuchs by nature, as well as those who are mutilated. In stature he places the natural eunuchs first. " The mutilated Eunuch was designated as one diseased and the natural Eunuch was designated as one not diseased.
The law (D 28.2.6) says that someone who cannot easily procreate is nonetheless entitled to institute a posthumous heir, but it gives no concrete examples of such a man. In the same context, it states that the "eunuch" holds this right as well, while "castrated men" expressly do not. Ulpian makes a distinction between the non castrated Eunuch and the castrated Eunuch.
Whole eunuchs who were freemen, unlike mutilated eunuchs, were eligible for marriage and for adopting children (D 23.3.39.1, 28.2.6). In fact, anatomically whole eunuchs had all the rights and duties of ordinary men.

There is no word in the Old Testament, either good or bad, about lesbians. I won't read into Ruth and Naomi more than is there. Only Paul has something to say about women and sex in the New Testament: "For this reason, God delivered them to degrading passions as their females exchanged their natural sexual function for one that is unnatural."

That is it. Look at what is being said. He is speaking of degrading passions and exchanging their "natural" function for one that is "unnatural." In the whole context of this chapter, he is talking about idolatry, greed and corruption. You can read into it that it is about lesbians if you wish, you can also read into that they had sex with multiple partners and participated in orgies, or you can read into it that they had anal sex with their partners and you can even read into that they did not wish to have children since that was considered at the time the sole purpose of a female having sex. You may think I am being snide here but I am not, to me, trying to be heterosexual was very unnatural. And my relationship with Lorrie is anything but degrading, it is the complete opposite actually.

And perhaps the newest truth I am learning is that our lesbian natures, are truly gifts from God.

Psychologist Mark Friedman, from a series of tests administered to both gays and lesbians, found that the homosexuals he tested were superior to their heterosexual counterparts in such psychological qualities as autonomy, spontaneity, orientation toward the present, and increased sensitivity to the value of the person. (Psychology Today, Vol. 8, No. 10 (March 1973), 27-33)

While gays and lesbians make up probably 4%–6% of the population, a study of the biographies of 1004 eminent people found 11% of them to be homosexual or bisexual, with certain categories higher: 24% of poets, 21% of fiction writers, and 15% of artists and musicians. (Myers, David, Sexual Orientation and Science” in LeDayne McLeese Polanski and Millard Eiland, Eds., Rightly Dividing the Word of Truth, The Alliance of Baptists and Baptist Peace Fellowship of North America, 172)

I personally believe we exist as a bridge between the male and the female, the bringing together of the sexes. And I believe because God is truly neither male, nor female we can express His whole nature made up of many facets. I have used the terms He, His and Him, but they are meant to be universal and unisex.

I am awed by the universe and its Creator, I am awed by its diversity and its magnificence and most of all I am grateful and awestruck to be a part of it. I am filled with joy that I have been given a true partner in my life to share it with, to love and be loved. Isn't that really what we were all created for? At last, I know I am wonderfully and fearfully made.

Created in the image of God: Part II

Created in the image of God: Part I is HERE

Well, I didn't refuse, I really liked him a lot and loved him as a friend. But about two months before the wedding I started having real doubts, the thoughts that maybe I was a lesbian were getting rather loud in my ears. But I shrugged it off to "cold feet", and besides I had laid out a good chunk of money towards the wedding, the invitations had been sent and my Dad was so happy and proud and had also spent quite a lot himself. I liked that I was making my Dad proud.

I got married at the chapel in Yosemite on December 4, 1988.

I knew two months after we were married I had made a huge mistake. But I didn't believe in divorce except for physical abuse and he was not physically abusive. I decided I would make the best of it. It helped that for the first year and a half my ex worked graveyard and I worked swing shift. At first it wasn't too bad, I just knew I didn't love him like I should and I had to fantasize about women in order to be intimate with him.

I did quite a good job of fantasizing and our first son was born almost two years after we were married. I stayed home for about a year with him. I didn't want to leave him, I really wanted to be a good mother and dreaded the thought that someone else would see all of his "firsts." My ex liked the idea also as his mom had worked two jobs to support he and his brother.

When I stayed home that first year, I didn't know many people outside of work, my whole day was wrapped up in my son, taking care of the apartment and my ex. I was very lonely, and decided to go back to work.

I went back to work for about another year and a half until my second son was born. Day care was way too expensive for what I made so this time I just stayed home with them. Only I made an effort to meet other stay at home moms and do things with them and our children. I enjoyed it much more this time. It was nice having adults to talk to while the kids would play together.

When my youngest was about a year old, we bought a fixer upper on 7 acres outside of a little town called Silver Springs. It was great, I set out working on the yard, clearing sagebrush and doing little things to fix up the place inside. The town was about 5 miles away and we didn't have close neighbors, so I joined the church to meet people. Besides I felt it was time the boys started attending and getting that good old "ole time religion" instilled in them. I didn't really worry that my earlier experiences would be repeated. I was after all a married woman with two children. And I sure as hell wasn't going to talk to anyone about being attracted to women.

It was in this town and on the 7 acres that God began to show himself more fully to me, maybe because it was so quiet out there, not very many distractions and I had lots of time to read the Bible and other books when the boys were napping. My ex was working a lot of hours, he would come home, eat some dinner, drink and then go to bed. Since I had made friends from the Church, we formed an informal Bible study once a week. We would study on a topic, like love or faith and it was nice because we could talk freely about anything related to God in our lives, no one would say the other was wrong or right but we would offer our own opinions and debate ideas, certainly we would all have things to think about until the following week.

I have not been a "literal" believer in the Bible since the exorcism and subsequent studies on my own. I felt that God showed me that believing the Bible is inerrant can be a form of idolatry. I came to realize that sometimes people can worship the Bible itself, and not the God who inspired it. Jesus often said when referencing what we call the Old Testament, but he would have called the Torah or Septuagint, "you have heard it said.....but I say unto you......" And spoke of the Spirit of these and not the "letter of the law." Jesus was not much into literally interpreting passages either. It was through these informal studies that I really began to understand this concept. I do believe it is largely inspired and that from it we can begin to understand the nature of God and of ourselves.

I also began to study more about the historical context of some of the more bothersome passages. Like slavery, polygamy, genocide and capital crimes for seemingly minor offenses and yet rape was punished by forcing the rapist to marry his victim. There really isn't a good way to put historical context in these things. Slavery has always been wrong, it was wrong then. The fact that it would be outlined and have laws and rules for owning slaves in the Bible is because simply these things existed. Women were considered property, so once raped she was damaged goods to her family trying to marry her off, the rapist had to marry her to provide her father with the lost dowry.

There are voices in the Bible, voices speaking out against these things and more. These voices were the Prophets. What do we think Isaiah was talking about when he says in chapter 1 verses 16 and 17: Wash you, make you clean, put away the evil of your doings from before Mine eyes, cease to do evil; Learn to do well; seek justice, relieve the oppressed, judge the fatherless, plead for the widow. And in 21 - 23: How is the faithful city become a harlot! She that was full of justice, righteousness lodged in her, but now murderers. Thy silver is become dross, thy wine mixed with water. Thy princes are rebellious, and companions of thieves; every one loveth bribes, and followeth after rewards; they judge not the fatherless, neither doth the cause of the widow come unto them.

I began to see that women and children have always been important to God, as is justice, fairness and truthfulness. Who would be the oppressed? Why the slaves! As well as the poor, women and those who were treated unfairly or discriminated against. Even 3000 years ago there were voices speaking for those with out voice, with out rights and with out justice. God it seems is indeed unchangeable. It is only some of humanity that has changed.

Part III to follow.........

Created in the image of God: Part I

I have wanted to blog about how I came to reconcile being gay with being a Christian for a while. I didn't realize when I came out, that I would be expected to reject being a Christian. I did, for many years, believe that I had to reject being gay because I am a Christian because my pastors and youth leaders and "The Bible" told me that being gay is a sin. A sin worthy of death and eternal damnation. Or so I thought. So many people believe.

I am going to give you a story I haven't told anyone in 30 years, not even Lorrie. Not the story of coming out, but my story of how much I denied my lesbianism in the name of "christianity."
When I was in high school I belonged to a youth group at our local Presbyterian Church. The leaders were a young couple very much excited in the Lord. My friends all belonged and we had a lot of fun there. What I didn't understand until many years later is that they were what is known as a Five Fold Ministry. (I don't have the space to explain this so click on the link if you don't know what that is.)

One important point about the Five Fold Ministry is that a lot of what they believe in is what I call "touching the supernatural." One of the things that many of them still believe in is exorcists and exorcism. They believe that most of our ills are caused by the devil and his demons and their are people in the church endowed with the "gift" of exorcism. OK, so now you know already where I am going with this one don't cha......

I opened up to the youth counselors about feeling not normal, my attraction towards women, even after I was saved and baptized and received the Holy Spirit. They decided we had to take a weekend trip up to see one of these "gifted exorcists" because the only way I could still have these feelings after I was saved was because I was possessed.

HEY, stop laughing you guys, I really didn't want to be "gay," I didn't want to be a "sexual pervert," gays got put in loony bins and received shock treatment for crying out loud!!! I am and always have been fairly rational, intelligent and sane, sane sane. But everything I thought I knew about homosexuality told me if I was, then I was insane.

So, I got exorcised of my demon of homosexuality, along with a few other really scary ones. It seems I was really badly possessed. Oh, the demon of homosexuality is simply called Sodomy, in case you were wondering......

So, after this weekend at the exorcist's house, and lots of praying and crying and really only having Jesus scared out of me, I quit going to the youth group and church. I didn't stop believing in God, but I realized humans were unbelievable.

And I still was attracted to women.

I continued to talk to God, to read my Bible, only I used Strong's Concordance while I did so I could look up the words in the original Hebrew and Greek. I learned a lot about what we think the Bible says, isn't quite how it was written in it's original language. Part of it has to do with the "concept" behind the words. Words have meanings that take many more words to explain them to someone who does not speak the language. Like exorcism. It is one word, but it has a concept behind it that takes pages to explain. When we know what the word means, we no longer need to take pages to explain it.

Take the word "witness," in the original Greek it isn't about trying to convince someone with words, it is about living your life so that when people see how happy and fulfilled it is, they want to become like you.

My witness sucked. I didn't even want to be like me. I was in college, drinking and smoking lots of pot to feel better, trying desperately to find a man who could make me feel like the people in the sappy movies felt. I thought there was something wrong with the guys I dated (but it was probably me). Or at least they just weren't "the one." The longest I ever went out with anyone before I married my husband was 6 months. Why waste their time or mine if they weren't the one? I continued to have crushes on women, but you know, don't we all, you just don't act on them, right?

I quit smoking pot, didn't drink so much and moved to Yosemite National Park to work for a summer. I stayed 5 years. I talked a lot to God in Yosemite. It is a good place to do that. It is awe inspiring and serene. Mostly I think I whined to God. Why wasn't I normal like other people. (other women) Why couldn't I be happy with some guy and having a family. How come I still got crushes on women? What a one track mind I had then.

God did too, every time I whined, Psalm 139 would go through my head:

O Lord, you have searched me and known me. You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from far away. You search out my path and my lying down, and are acquainted with all my ways. Even before a word is on my tongue, O Lord, you know it completely. You hem me in, behind and before, and lay your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is so high that I cannot attain it.

Where can I go from your spirit? Or where can I flee from your presence? If I ascend to heaven, you are there; if I make my bed in Sheol, you are there. If I take the wings of the morning and settle at the farthest limits of the sea, even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me fast. If I say, ‘Surely the darkness shall cover me, and the light around me become night’, even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is as bright as the day, for darkness is as light to you.

For it was you who formed my inward parts; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; that I know very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes beheld my unformed substance. In your book were written all the days that were formed for me, when none of them as yet existed. How weighty to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! I try to count them—they are more than the sand; I come to the end—I am still with you.

O that you would kill the wicked, O God, and that the bloodthirsty would depart from me— those who speak of you maliciously, and lift themselves up against you for evil! Do I not hate those who hate you, O Lord? And do I not loathe those who rise up against you? I hate them with perfect hatred; I count them my enemies.

Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my thoughts. See if there is any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

I wasn't getting the message. I thought I was being told to just try harder to "pray away the gay." I wasn't listening because I didn't want to believe what was obvious. God wasn't asking me if he could search my heart, he already had, he was telling me that I needed to search my own heart and realize just how fearfully and wonderfully made I already was.

I worked very hard and many hours to fill up the void I felt inside. I got promoted a lot and actually had a pretty good time there. I made lots of friends and we would go backpacking together on our days off. They were all women. As much as I loved those trips, and looked forward to them, they were really, really frustrating.

I met my ex-husband in Yosemite. He was also working there, actually he worked for me as the cafeteria manager at Curry Village. He was funny and smart and good looking. We would stay up late after work and talk and watch old movies together. We would go out for coffee or to the Mountain Room Bar for cocktails. That was it. We didn't hold hands, or kiss or anything so I really enjoyed spending time with him.

He went golfing one day down in Wawona with a friend of ours, and on the way home took a back road. LOL. A back road in Yosemite is a fire road, they only get used if there is a forest fire and you aren't supposed to drive on them ever. On the back road the car hit a rock and had the oil plug knocked off, they blew the engine about 3 miles from the main road. They started walking and got lost as it was getting dark. They walked all night until they found a main road about 15 miles from the one they were headed for. They hitchhiked back to the park.

At 5:00 in the morning he knocked on my door and told me about it. He said all he could think of was getting back to me and that he was afraid he would never see me again if they died in the woods.

He asked me to marry him.

How could I refuse?

The Ready Point

I came out to a friend this week. She has known for a very long time I wasn’t happy in my marriage and I knew recently she was confused by my trips to Reno and trips I would take without my kids. The Lorrie she knew would not willingly and continually take vacations without her kids. And no, ten years ago when my kids were little I wouldn’t have. That brings me to the thought that maybe that is the reason that 10 years ago I would not have let my thoughts continually travel to my attraction to women. Yes, those thoughts would creep up from time to time; but I would think about them for a few minutes and then shove them back down deep because they didn’t fit into my life. I had little kids to raise, a job to excel at, a house to take care of and a husband…. Well the husband was too busy working and self absorbed into his hobbies and interests to worry too much about what was going on with me and the kids…so I have to say his presence alone would not have stopped me from exploring my attraction to women much earlier.
I guess that brings me to one of the reasons for this blog. Before you can admit and come to terms with your attraction to women or I guess any major awakening in your life, you have to be at a point in your life where you are ready for it! Three years ago, I was there. My kids were not babies anymore, they were 12 and 7…they still needed me but were capable of doing many things on their own allowing me more free time ….time to think…time to allow those thoughts to creep up more often..and I no longer wanted to push them back down. I wanted to explore them! Also, both of my parents had passed away within the previous 4 years leading me to not only examine their lives and happiness in their lives but also to examine my happiness in my life. I came to realize that life is too short to not explore all of your feelings, especially the ones that are going to give you great happiness. Stop suppressing feelings. Start exploring them. Start living your life the way you want.
Now, back to coming out to my friend. She took it well when I told her about my love for Rebecca. She took it well when I told her about the state of my marriage. My H and I are staying together for now, for the kids; we are roommates and co parents. But other than that, I am with Rebecca and he is pursuing other relationships. She was OK with that because the kids have a great life and are happy.
The only statement she seemed to have an issue with is: “I am gay.” Her immediate response was “You are not gay, you are bi.” I am sure this is her way of dealing with it. We have been friends for over 20 years and were even roommates at one point. I decided if thinking I was bi made her feel more comfortable, then that was OK. Maybe friends (family, coworkers) also have to be at the point in there life where they are ready to accept your gayness. We have dealt with our gayness for many years; even when we were suppressing it we were still dealing with it in some ways. We can’t expect those that we come out to, to be totally accepting immediately. They need to get to the ready point just like we did.