Thursday, January 15, 2009

My Story.......My Journey

Well, I guess it’s time I tell my story since this is half my blog, lol!

I am a 45 year old woman, in love with a wonderful woman you all know as Rebecca!!!

I am also a mother to two wonderful kids. I work full time as a scientist in the R&D area. I am a sister. I am a friend. I am a spouse.

Yes, you read that right, I am still married. But you notice I did not use the word wife, I hate that word, lol. Maybe because I was not good at it; I was not a good wife, did not enjoy being a wife, was never comfortable being a wife…no longer consider myself a wife. In 2009 I will have been married 20 years and it never felt right. I have known Rebecca for 2 years and 4 months and it has felt right every moment! So why am I still married? For the kids…some of you may agree, some may not….but that is the decision my H and I have made for now. He has known about Rebecca from day one; I have never lied to him about my relationship with her. We now live together as roommates and co-parents; it works for now…it will work until it doesn’t work anymore….. I believe when the time is right, I will know when to tell my kids…no they do not know that their Mom is a lesbian. Again, some of you may agree, some may disagree..but again this is where I am right now. A 15 year old daughter has enough to deal with trying to figure out who she is; is it cruel to throw in the confusion of “by the way, your Mom is a lesbian”?

Do I wish I had gotten a divorce before I met Rebecca? Yes! But I didn’t and this is the path we find ourselves in. Rebecca is wonderful, she is understanding, she has never pressured me to leave my marriage, she understands the kids are better off with two parents for now. We live 2500 miles apart and are both busy raising our families. We will not live 2500 miles apart forever!!!! Rebecca and I will someday be able to wake up together each morning!

For all of you that didn’t figure out your attraction to women until your forties or after, I’m sure you said to yourself many times “This would have been easier if I figured this out much earlier. So many things in my life would have made more sense.” I know I have. But I really have no regrets. I have two great children!!!!

Looking back, I can pick out times when I knew I was attracted to women…in high school, in college, at a bar when I was supposed to be checking out the men, at a wedding while dancing with my husband so wishing I was dancing with that woman across the floor (and no it wasn’t just because he is a terrible dancer, lol)…but I always stuffed those feelings way back down because that was not what I was “suppose to do”. Then I hit my late 30’s and early 40’s and those feelings, those attractions toward women kept pushing back up…and there was no pushing them down…I didn’t want to…I needed to find out who I was…something huge was missing. I needed to be honest with myself!

From the moment I met Rebecca, from the moment we started talking, seeing, being with each other; I felt connected more than I ever have in my life, emotionally, physically, totally! I found what I was missing!

So…coming out later in life might not be the easiest thing to do….it is full of life changing decisions affecting many people, not just ourselves… is truly a journey…but we all deserve to be happy, to be the person we are suppose to be!
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