Sunday, October 12, 2008

No More Fear and Lies

As yesterday was National Coming Out Day, and the premier of this blog, I have to confess something, I am only "sort of" out of the closet. I came out to my ex-husband, he outed me to my teenage sons, who didn't say anything to me about it, until I came out to them a few months later. They said they already knew "cause Dad told us".
My oldest took it pretty well, but he has several gay friends. My youngest didn't understand how I could have lied to myself for so long, but in the last two years, he seems to have finally come to grips with that. I too have come to grips with it.
I have since come out to two of my three sisters, my mother (who just prefers to ignore it), all of my friends, my two immediate supervisors, who wanted to know why I fly to Philadelphia all the time, LOL, and some of my co-workers. I have not come out to my brother, who is an evangelical Christian and I don't see much of him anyway, we live about 1000 miles apart. For the past 10 years, we only talk on holidays. He has never asked even if I am dating someone, so I just don't tell. I haven't come out to my father either. He has very strong ideas about things. Maybe I better leave it at that. If he ever asks about my social life, I will not lie though.
When I was young, homosexuality was still considered a mental disease, a crime in many states and my 2nd cousin had jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge in the early 70's mainly because our family could not accept him. In my mind, I couldn't be gay because I wasn't crazy and I came from a family where it seem to matter more what the neighbors thought than what we did. All the things I believed about myself and life were really just fear and lies.
Those lies kept me from even acting on my deep crushes, caused me to stay married to an alcoholic for 18 years and kept the best parts of me frozen as well. I have realized that by holding in check the feelings I had for women, I stunted all my other feelings as well.
One of the many amazing things to happen to me over the past two years is a discovery the I am passionate! About love, about living, about wanting to help others, about music and really about everything! Especially about Lorrie, the love and passion there is indescribable and boundless.
Romantic movies now make sense to me. I love music now! I have always loved art, but now it moves me like never before. I cry now too. And it is GOOD! I feel more a WOMAN now too! I have become much less "tom boy" as I have grown to accept myself.
I have tried not to have any regrets about my life, I do wish I had been stronger when I was younger and not so afraid to be honest about myself. I only know that the next 40+ years looks very wonderful to me!
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